Forbidden Worlds (ch 1)(revised)

7 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 34
I was sitting in my room on my bed staring up at the ceiling. My stomach quenched like I was about to throw up. I wanted to run away as far as I could away from everyone, but I couldn’t run away from this problem. Wherever I went the same exact problem would be right in front of me. I was pregnant or at least I was positive I was this time. There were so many times I almost became pregnant because of my carless, stupid mistakes. So many miracles I had been given that I was sure that God wasn’t going to spare me another one. I was only seventeen years old and I had been drinking and smoking before I was even old enough to drive.

The busy, ignoring parents I had never cared what I drank, if I smoked, or where I was half the time. However, the minute they found out I was pregnant they would throw me out in the cold.

I stuck a cigarette in my mouth and lighted it. An abortion could be a possible answer, but I didn’t have the money and I was a wuss. As I sat there, smoking my cigar, I thought about what I should do. The pregnancy test that I bought at Walgreens drug store lay on top of my dresser. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to face the fact that I was really pregnant. Maybe if I just ignored my problem for a few months it wouldn’t bother me. After taking a few more smokes, I stuck my cigarette in the ash tray on my bed stand and rolled out of bed. Snatching the pregnancy test, I went into the bathroom down the hall from my bedroom.

Two minutes later, I came out of the bathroom shaking the stick. As I walked back into my room, I hung my head and closed my eyes. “Please, please, please,” I whispered. Holding my breath, I shot a quick glance at the stick. “No,” it read. I let out a sigh of relief. I threw the pregnancy test into a small waste basket, plopped back down on my bed, and stuck another cigarette into my mouth. After taking a couple of smokes, I picked up my Blackberry and dialed my best friend, Jen’s number.

“Hey, Jen,“ I started to say into the phone, but Jen interrupted me.

“Liz, what happened? Are you pregnant or not?” Jen asked, fervently.

“No,” I muttered.

“Oh my god Liz, you have to stop this. One of these days you are really going to be pregnant.”

“I know, I know. You can cut the criticism here.”

“Well, what else do you want me to say?” I didn’t answer. “I have to go. I have homework to finish,” Jen told me.

“Whatever, bye,” I grumbled, hanging up the phone. As my stomach still quenched, I curled up under the covers. My throat felt sore and scratchy and I felt like I was going to throw up any minute. However, I drifted off to sleep within seconds.

Hours later, I woke up by the sound of my alarm clock’s annoying beeping. I slammed it off and went back to sleep. Only a half an hour later the beeping went off again. I moaned, my head spinning from last night, as I rolled out of bed and unplugged my stupid alarm clock.
I slipped off my grey sweat pants and T-shirt and yanked on a pair of holes jeans and my green Hollister shirt. Short blond hair sat flat on top of my head as always. After I scrubbed my teeth, I blacked my eyes with makeup.

As I was eating a raw poptart, I heard my boyfriend honk his horn, furiously from my driveway. I pulled on my brown American Eagle coat and ran outside. Snow covered every inch of my neighborhood. Colorado, one of the coldest states in America is where I lived for as long as I could remember. I climbed in the passenger seat of Shawn’s warm truck. A half gone cigarette hung out of his mouth.

“Did you do it?” Shawn asked as he pulled out of my driveway.

“Yeah,” I muttered

“And?” he asked, annoyed, after a moment of silence.

“I’m not pregnant,” I told him glaring at the drifting snow out the window.

“OK, then what’s your problem?” He handed me a lighted cigarette and I took it gratefully.

“Thanks,” I muttered under my breath.

We rode the rest of the way to school in silence. Shawn parked his truck in his usual parking spot. After we tossed our cigarettes in the ash tray in Shawn car, we walked into the school building. I was just about to go my own way to my first class, when Shawn grabbed me by the arm and pulled me next to him so that my chest pressed against his. Shawn began kissing me affectionately on the cheek. I moved my head slightly so that our lips met.

“I love you,” Shawn said once we broke apart.

“I love you too. I’m sorry I have been acting weird ever since Wednesday night. I was just scared,” I admitted.

“That’s OK, baby. We just have to be more careful next time.”
I only nodded. I wrapped my lips around Shawn’s once more. When the bell rang, I unlocked my lips from his and pulled myself away from Shawn’s grip. I then hurried off to my first class, American history. I sat down in my usual seat near the back. Jen sat down in the seat behind me.

“Liz,” she hissed. I was still mad at her for being so critical yesterday. When I didn’t answerer, she began tapping me continuously on the shoulder.

Finally, I turned around to face her. “What?” I asked, angrily.

“Are you mad at me or something?” Jen asked.

“No,” I lied to get Jen off my back. When Jen didn’t say anything else, I turned back around to face the teacher who was babbling on about the Civil war. I was almost asleep from boredom, when a kid that looked a few years older than me came in the room and sat down in the empty seat next to me. The teacher ignored him and continued to babble on about the Civil war.

The kid beside me pulled a green note book and a pen out of his back pack and began taking notes of every little thing the teacher said. He had long light brown hair that barely touched his shoulders and glistered in the sunlight. His skin was clean and almost golden. His eyes were bright green and he wore a dark blue sweater and some nice jeans. Noticing me staring at him, he stopped writing.

“Hi, I’m Jasper,” he whispered.

“Liz” I muttered.

“No talking,” the teacher groaned.

Quickly taking my note book and pen out of my back pack, I flipped it to an empty page, scribbled a
note on the very top, and cautiously placed it on Jasper’s lap. It read, “You’re not from here, are you?”

Jasper wrote something quick and short and passed the notebook back to me. “No,” it read.

“Where are you from?” I wrote then gave it to Jasper.

“Somewhere far away,” was his reply.

“How far?”

“Farther than you think.”

“Where?”

“I can’t tell you.”

I became annoyed with Jasper as I read his last reply. “Why not?”

Jasper smiled up at me, showing of his sparkling white teeth that made my mouth water. “Why are you being so persistent?” he asked.

I sighed. Knowing that I wasn’t going to get my answer, I thought of another question. “How long are you in town?”

“Three months.”

“If you are on vacation, then why are you in school?”

“I never said I was on vacation.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

Jasper froze. His eyes stared directly on the paper as he pressed his pen down hard on one spot that it left a thick black dot. As I watched him impatiently, while he thought for a few minutes before he finally replied. “I’m here to study your country. Your country is very different from mine. Maybe you could show me around sometime,” He wrote, but before I could reply the bell rang. I stuffed my notebook and pen in my green and black back pack as the rush of the other students crowded the room.

When I was out in the hallway, I looked around for Jasper. But he had disappeared.
Last edited by twilightxd on Sun Jan 18, 2009 2:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1207
Reviews 86
Hey!

all right... so this was kind of choppy and moved too fast. Well how about i just get the nitpicks over with first.



I was sitting in my room on my bed staring up at the ceiling. My stomach quenched like I was about to throw up. I wanted to run away as far as I could away from everyone, but I couldn’t run away from this problem. Wherever I went the same exact problem would be right in front of me. I was pregnant or at least I was positive I was this time. I don’t know how many times I almost became pregnant because of my carless, stupid mistakes. I had so many miracles that I was sure that God wasn’t going to spare me another one.

New Paragraph I stuck a cigarette in my mouth and lighted it. I could just have an abortion, but I didn’t have the money and I was a wuss. As I sat there, smoking my cigar, I thought about what I should do. The pregnancy test that I bought at Walgreens drug store lay on top of my dresser. I wasn’t sure if I could face the fact that I was really pregnant. I wondered if I just ignored my problem for a few months it wouldn’t bother me. After taking a few more smokes, I stuck my cigarette in the ash tray on my bed stand and rolled out of bed. I snatched the pregnancy test and went into the bathroom down the hall from my bedroom.

New Paragraph I came out of the bathroom shaking the stick. I went back into my room as I hung my head and closed my eyes. “Please, please, please,” I whispered. I held my breath and shot a quick glance at the stick. “No,” it read. I let out a sigh of relief. I throw the pregnancy test into a small waste basket, plopped back down on my bead, and stuck another cigarette into my mouth. After taking a couple of smokes, I picked up my Blackberry and dialed my best friend, Jen’s number.

New line because of dialogue “Hey, Jen-“ I started to say into the phone, but Jen interrupted me.

“Liz, what happened? Are you pregnant or not?” Jen asked, fervently.

“No,” I muttered.

“Oh my god Liz, you have to stop this. One of these days you are really going to be pregnant.”

“I know, I know. You can cut the criticism here.”

“Well, what else do you want me to say?” I didn’t answerer answer. “I have to go. I have homework to finish,” Jen told me.

“Whatever, bye,” I grumbled, hanging up the phone. I curled up under the coverscomma my stomach still quenching. My throat felt sore and scratchy. I felt like I was going to throw up any minute. However, within seconds I drifted off to sleep. Not really sure about this sentence...it doesn't work for me. I would write "However, I drifted off to sleep within seconds."

I woke up hours later by the sound of my alarm clocks this should be "clock's" annoying beeping. I slammed it off and went back to sleep. Only a half an hour later the beeping went off again. I moaned, my head spinning from last night. I rolled out of bed and unplugged my alarm clock.

New paragraph I slipped off my grey sweat pants and T-shirt and yanked on a pair of holes jeans and my green Hollister shirt. My short blond hair sat flat on top of my head as always. I scrubbed my teeth and blacked my eyes with makeup.

New paragraph. I think you should work on this transition. Put something like "while i was putting the finishing touches on my left eye, i heard the rumbling of an engine pull into my driveway." My boyfriend pulled his black truck into my driveway and started honking, furiously. I pulled on my brown American Eagle coat and ran outside. Snow covered every inch of my neighborhood. I lived in Colorado, one of the coldest states in America. I climbed in the passenger seat of Shawn’s warm truck. A half gone cigarette hung out of his mouth.

“Did you do it?” Shawn asked as he pulled out of my driveway.

“Yeah,” I muttered

“And?” he askedcoma before and after annoyed annoyed after a moment of silence.

“I’m not pregnant,” I told him glaring out at the drifting snow out the window.

“Ok this should be either "okay" or OK , then what’s your problem?” He handed me a lighted cigarette and I took it gratefully.

“Thanks,” I muttered under my breath.

We rode the rest of the way to school in silence. Shawn parked his truck in his usual parking spot. We tossed our cigarettes in the ash tray in Shawn car and walked into the school building. I was just about to go my own way to my first class, when Shawn grabbed me by the arm and pulled me next to him so that my chest slightly pressed against his. Shawn began kissing me affectionately on the cheek. I moved my head slightly so that our lips met. you used slightly in the sentence before too, maybe a change in word?

“I love you,” Shawn said once we broke apart.

“I love you too. I’m sorry I have been acting weird ever since Wednesday night. I was just scared,” I admitted.

“That’s ok, baby. We just have to be more careful next time.”

I only nodded. I wrapped my lips around Shawn’s once more. When the bell rang, I unlocked my lips from his and pulled myself away from Shawn’s grip. I then hurried off to my first class, American history. I sat down in my usual seat near the back. Jen sat down in the seat behind me.

“Liz,” she hissed. I was still mad at her for being so critical yesterday. I don't get this. I don't know about you but if my friend was constantly on a pregnancy scare I would be critical too and if i was on the opposite side I would expect the criticism... maybe that's just me though When I didn’t answerer, she began tapping me continuously on the shoulder.

Finally, I turned around to face her. “What?” I asked, angrily.

“Are you mad at me or something?” Jen asked.

“No,” I lied to get Jen off my back. When Jen didn’t say anything else, I turned back around to face the teacher who was babbling on about the Civil war. I was almost asleep from boredom, when a kid that looked a few years older than me came in the room and sat down in the empty seat next to me. The teacher ignored him and continued to babble on about the Civil war. saying the Civil war again is a bit redundant... unless you want it to be redundant to express the m.c's feelings... if so good job!

New paragraph The kid beside me pulled a green note book and a pen out of his back pack and began taking notes of every little thing the teacher said. He had long light brown hair that glistered in the sunlight. His skin was clean and almost golden. His eyes were bright green and he wore a dark blue sweater and some nice jeans. He noticed me staring at him and stopped writing.

“Hi, I’m Jasper,” he whispered.

“Liz” I muttered.

“No talking,” the teacher groaned.

I quickly took out my note book and pen and flipped it to an empty page. I scribbled a note on the very top of the page and cautiously placed it on Jasper’s lap. It read, “You’re not from here, are you?”

Jasper wrote something quick and short and passed the notebook back to me. “No,” it read.

“Where are you from?” I wrote then gave it to Jasper.

“Somewhere far away,” was his reply.

“How far?”

“Farther than you think.”

“Where?”

“I can’t tell you.”

I became annoyed with Jasper as I read his last reply. “Why not?”

Jasper smiled up at me. “Why are you being so persistent?”

I sighed. Knowing that I wasn’t going to get my answer, I thought of another question. “How long are you in town?”

“Three months.”

“If you are on vacation, then why are you in school”

“I never said I was on vacation.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

Jasper froze. His eyes stared directly on the paper and he pressed his pen down hard on one spot that it left a thick black dot. I watched him impatiently as he thought for a few minutes before he finally replied. “I’m here to study your country. Your country is very different from mine. Maybe you could show me around sometime,” He wrote, but before I could reply the bell rang. I stuffed my notebook and pen in my green and black back pack as the rush of the other students crowded the room.

New Paragraph When I was out in the hallway, I looked around for Jasper, but he had diapered. I think after "jasper" there should be a period then "but he disappeared" should be a new sentence... also notice the spelling of "disappeared

Okay so it's good but needs some work. One thing I noticed throughout the story was that you started a lot of sentences with I, He etc. You're a good writer! I know you can figure out other ways to start them! ha ha Just before you submit, do a quick little grammar and spelling check... I know, I know it's annoying but it will help. Sometimes I even read my stuff out loud, it helps trust me.

I hope I helped! Can't wait for the next installment!!

~Dommy :D
This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do,
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2365
Reviews 146
That was really good! I loved that it wasn't rushed, but you did make a lot of mistakes. I'm pretty sure Dommy checked most of them, but just check over your work when your finished. :)

Some of your paragraphs are just too long, so when you write just be sure to check for that, too. A little more description about the characters would have been good also. We don't really know them other than that Liz and Shawn are, I'm guessing, rebellious kids. I don't know how old they are, where they are, or the character itself.

This looks interesting and what I love most is your originality. Some of your current plot seems a bit over-used, like boy-meets-girl-in-class-and-falls-in-love sort of deal, but your characters seem unique. There aren't a lot of bad couples out there, so this definitely caught my eye. I'll be looking for your next chapter! :D
Got YWS?

You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 17895
Reviews 489
Just a few mistakes. Nothing to serious. i found the storyline to be kind of rushed and not very descriptive, of course i could understand this for most of the time a writer wants to get to the exciting parts as quick as possible. some wont get past the beginning just because they want the excitement.

other then that i am pretty interesting in the storyline. the main character is very offbeat which is kind of interesting and i like the fact that she isnt a perfect innocent angel that most protagonists turn out to be.

other then that i'm sure the nit picking has been made already. Just a few mistakes that could be fixed but otherwise you have a very interesting storyline going on there and i cant wait to read more.
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 115
I like it. Are you going to write more? I really think that you should. You are a very talented writer!!

_Writing for love is a passion_

or lexie ;)
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 34
Thanks for the reviews. They really helped. I'm posting more soon.
I'm going to La Push Jacob off a cliff,
and stab him with Forks!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1188
Reviews 38
Hi, I'm Jordan and I will be reviewing your work today.

I agree with Dommy, you moved a bit too fast.
I liked the very first part where she thought that she was pregnate, It
showed her emotion and how she was feeling. Like everybody you also had some little, almost no importance mistakes.

Overall, It was a good Chapter 1.
Well, yes mate. See, I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you need to watch out for, because you never know when they’re going to do something incredibly..stupid.
Jack Sparrow<3



I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
— Flannery O'Connor