To Love An Infidel

The night was still, but my heart raced
A constant pounding through my veins.
There in that harsh and lifeless place
Is where love had lived and blood had stained.
That city of tents and wind blown sand,
Was to me a metropolis of marble stone.
Where passion sprang from lifeless land
But for which I paid the price with flesh and bone.
So as the moonbeams shone upon my hair
My hands shook with anticipation
The horizon was not threatened by my stare.
I waited silently for liberation.
In the tent next to mine, my father laid
He was my slaver and my gracious captor.
My debt to him could never be paid
For it was my soul he sought after
He so graciously let me live
Then trapped me like a bird.
He took everything I had to give,
Then called my thinking mind absurd
He prayed for his daughter’s death
He wished I would disappear.
And if one day I ceased to live,
He wouldn’t even shed a tear.
I kept one eye trained on his tent,
The other on the sand and rock.
I waited for an angel sent
A savior to pull me from the stocks.
I caught sight of a shadow,
Creeping along the path
Its outline is moving toward me
in a constant sand-blown bath.
My heart thumped in my chest
Sweat came upon my brow
I knew my angel would save me
But I didn’t know how.

Something appeared vaguely in the night,
First stumbling left, then swaying right
I peered on with deathly fright
Hoping for deliverance with all my might
A single being among the sand
Held out and extends his hand
I abandoned all caution and well laid plans
To go and embrace this fearless man.
I sprinted to the figure and extended my arms
I knew that I was safe from harm
And there under the midnight stars
I could feel the presence of his charms
He touched my arm and cradled me
He held me as close and as firm as can be
Then he rocked my body like the sea
And in his embrace I was finally free
I was carrying nothing away
Not even my clothes, dusty and gray
My only possession was the sun of the day
And the fabric on my body which did tear and fray
But earthly things mean nothing at all
If the heart which you hold is diseased and small
Or if your own self-doubt is a mountain so tall
That your quest for contentment will indefinitely stall
And then he broke from my embrace
To begin an impossible race
I stole one more look and his strong face
And I looked back on a soulless place.
The dessert sand distorted my eyes
The whipping wind muffled my cries
I looked at him to see his form
While my brain disregarded the storm
I could not remember when I first had known
I could not recall how my love had grown
All I knew was there I was
I was falling in love as every girl does
However I was no longer innocent
My actions showed mature intent
I peered at his rugged face
His step ever vacant of grace
I loved him not for any outward part
But for the capacity of his heart
I spoke to him in a quiet voice
“You have finally given me a choice
Through all my years of shame
In the prison of my father’s fame
I could not even think a thought
Or his fury I wrought
The earth may shake and rumble
But we will never stumble
Forever hand in hand
We will go to tame the land.”
He held my hand and kissed my head
My inhibitions he had let me shed
Time went ahead and ticked on by
Finally the sand cleared from the sky
All of the dust seemed to have fled
“I need a place to rest”I said
He took my hand and I followed his lead
For it is his very hand I need
He pulled me to the top of the dune
And pointed towards the setting moon.
“On the horizon.” He said to me
“ There is an oasis as grand as the sea.”
I saw it even through the night
It seemed to exude its own light
The moon spotlighted a saving grace.
That wonderful, warm, welcoming place
A flower in a sandbox
An answer in a paradox
I breathed a sigh of gratitude
Void of pleasant platitudes
It was real emotion bursting through my breath
A sudden deliverance from certain death
We locked hands and mirrored our steps
I peered into his eye’s churning depths
I was miles and miles away from my home
I had a single man with whom to roam
My father would soon be fast on my trail
And I would have no reprieve but to scream and to wail
Our only hope was to escape in the night,
To move and to run when the moment is right.

We came to a patch of palm trees
That grew to unholy heights
The heavens themselves these plants could seize
And the water reflecting myriads of sights
The water cleansed my skin of sand
It was like a lover’s kiss upon my brow
So there in the freshened pond did I stand
Like a lost and thirsty sow
He came and picked me off my feet
Then played gently with my toes
I stared into his eyes and looked down deep
I loved him more than he would ever know

But my love was in danger grave
I, myself in danger too
And though I tried to be calm and be brave
My worries were many and my comforts are few
Until I caught a glimpse of his moonlit face
And his dark resplendent hair
His eyes exuding boyish grace
I could not help but stare
I walked to him so cautiously
As he looked out at the stars
I wished to be him, so lost, so free
And pretended not to see his scars
I touched his shoulder lightly
And he lowered his face to mine
His skin shone so brightly
It seemed as a heavenly sign
That this was the moment to finally do
What had been forbidden before
I leaned in my face as the tension grew
And I knew what was in store
In this moment I turned away
From everything I was taught
About infidels and how their hearts are gray
And how alongside demons they fought
I could not understand
How men believed that to be true
That here in this oasis land
These feelings of hate could stew
And as he pressed his lips against my own
I knew that this was right
And I finally felt that I was no longer alone
No longer abandoned in the night
Arms entangled we laid against the ground
And I began to sleep
And right then he broke the sound
He told me a secret I had to keep
He whispered softly in my ear
“ I love you so much more than life”
And right as my soul began to cheer
I heard the clanging of a knife

They killed my love that night
They tore him from my arms
And no matter how much I tried to fight
I couldn’t keep him from harm
I committed the gravest sin
That to my father, could exist
I feel in love with a sweet boy’s grin
And that infidel I kissed
His body lies now with the sand
And I wonder if my father knows
That the boy has my heart still in his hands
And my love for him will only grow
He has not stifled the flame
That burns within my mind
I will no longer be put to shame
I will not be treated unkind
The only way to silence me
Will be to end my life
And even then my soul will be
With my love, free from strife

Hey there!

First I would like to say that I appreciate your patience. It's sad that no one reviewed this for about twenty four days, but to tell you the truth the length probably put them off. If I were you, I'd split this up into different parts.

Okay, I loved this poem and this idea but I think you were focusing on rhyming than the actual story itself. The title is what caught my attention and from the beginning to the end, I didn't know what made this boy an infidel and who is this girl and her father and where does she live. I know this is just a poem but poems tell organized stories as well. Establish your beginning, your middle, and your end and then add all the glitzy rhymes at the end. Dramatic poetry is supposed to make the reader feel for the narrator's story.

All in all, I commend you for rhyming and actually making sense but this can use some more work. Don't give up on this, I think this a lot of potential.

Ta,

~Angel

Hi there! I'm Dark Angel, and I'll be critiquing your poem today. >.<

For starters, I'm not going to nitpick every little thing I find, because this is a VERY long poem! Like Angel said, you may want to split this up, so as not to scare off the poor reviewers of YWS. xD Anyway, I'm just going to give my overall impression.

My take on this is that most of the rhymes were a little contrived. Again, like Angel said, it seemed that you were concentrating on the rhyming scheme and not the story. Also, the rhyming pattern kept changing, which confused me. You might want to stay with the same pattern in the future (such as every other line rhyming) so as not to confuse your reader.

I didn't quite understand what the situation was with the man being an infidel. I was left with a lot of questions at the end, and maybe those could be answered. Yes, poetry is pretty and used mostly for descriptions, but as you've posted in Dramatic Poetry, you might need more of the story elements in there rather than a series of situations.

But don't think I hate it, not at all! I loved the description of the oasis and him playing with her toes - that was adorable. Keep going with this, it's a really good start!

~Dark Angel

This is an interesting poem. I liked the story of the freedom through love, as it holds a great imagery. Your poem truly has a story to tell.

Unfortunately, I think that your poem is much too dreamlike and that the reader can't quite connect to your story. It might just be my ADD, but I found that your poem was a bit too long for me, though it wasn't the actual length of the poem that bothered me. It was the lack of short stanzas that did me in. See, stanzas are what allow you to see the rhythm of a poem, unless you're dealing with epic poetry. Now, I'm not saying that you need to cut them down so that each stanza has 4 or 5 lines, but I think you would do well to cut the stanzas into existence based on ideas.

You just go through so many things within the first stanza that it's hard to focus on it. She goes from wishing to escape to the person coming to her and it continues on that way. Plus, when you shorten down the stanzas you would have a better time of tightening the language of your poem. When you base your stanzas on ideas, you get a better sense of what needs to be said and what does not. Although, that just might be my mind, I think that a few of these lines could be tightened.

As another reviewer has mentioned, the rhyming scheme doesn't quite work for this poem and it does almost seem like you focused to much on rhyming and keeping to the same length. Barring the long stanzas, the consistent length of the lines was also distracting me from the actual poem. While it is a bad idea to have totally choppy lines, like one line being 5 words long and the other only 2 and then up to 6 lines, you also want some sort of variety so that you keep the reader focused. Part of a true rhyming scheme is to have even your syllables in a rhythm, and that might be one thing you might want to try. Try and see if there are some words that you can cut down to a more concise word, varying the line lengths. This also might help with some of the flowery words that also make this more into a dream than a poem.

I do kind of like how this all seems to be a daydream that one has, if one ignores the ending. It reads like a great story, though it does need tightening up. The story itself needs a bit more work, as well, to let their forbidden love to shine through. I think that if you tighten up your story and your wordings, the rest of your problems might be easier to deal with.

He so graciously let me live
Then trapped me like a bird.
He took everything I had to give,
Then called my thinking mind absurd
He prayed for his daughter’s death
He wished I would disappear.
And if one day I ceased to live,
He wouldn’t even shed a tear.

This part seems to totally contradict the rest of the poem, or, rather, the rest of the poem contradicts this one part of the stanza. First, why didn't the father just kill her when she was born, if he didn't want a daughter? The setting that you tell us of does suggest that it might be possible that it's rugged enough that the dad would kill her with no problem. Also, why doesn't he want the daughter? Is it because sons are better, or because she fell in love with this guy. And, if he didn't want her anymore, why did he go to such lengths to get her back? Wouldn't he just be as happy to say that she mistakenly ran off into the desert and that she was then as good as dead? Leaving the camp is the same thing as disappearing, never to be heard from again. If he prays for her death, why doesn't he want her to go off with this guy? You need to think of your culture and then explain it a bit better within the poem.

The other on the sand and rock.
I waited for an angel sent
A savior to pull me from the stocks.
I caught sight of a shadow,
Creeping along the path
Its outline is moving toward me
in a constant sand-blown bath.
My heart thumped in my chest
Sweat came upon my brow
I knew my angel would save me
But I didn’t know how.

I really think that the wording on all of this needs to be tightened, so that the story and not the flowers shine through. First underline, this word is apparent that you chose it to rhyme with 'rocks,' and I do have to wonder what a desert culture would know about the stocks? A day in the stocks could easily kill some one, depending on how hot the desert is at that time. Second underline, I feel that that line is a bit redundant, and that you should try and find a new way to describe this figure, without flowery language. This might be a good time to mention that she actually knows this person and that he's an infidel. Third underline, what is she so worried about? We get all of her emotions, but none of the explanations, none of the details of what's going on and why this is happening.

I'm not even going to isolate any one part of the next stanza; I just have to say that I think it's too slow. While we're told everything that this person is feeling and such, I don't really get a sense of the tension felt by this character. She's about to sneak away in the night, waiting right outside the place where he father sleeps. If he wakes up, this would be the end of the plan, and her boy just might be killed as the alarm is rung! We should be getting nervous, anxious for her to get out. Also, I think a better plan would be her sneaking to the edge of camp to wait for this guy, so that there's less footsteps within the camp. It would also be quicker for her to just leave than for him to sneak into camp and then for both of them to sneak out of camp. Then, the way you start describing their reunion is too long, they should be moving as fast as they can! I mean, I can see one windswept moment as they meet at the beginning, but then she should give one last glance back to the camp and get out of there as fast as they can move. This is a very sensitive thing, if her father wakes up in the middle of the night, or some one is up--and certainly a camp like that, with tents and all, should have watchmen up at night, even if they are just shepherds and such--her love would be cut down and her freedom ended. We need to be in the moment, instead of in love.

And then you mention this storm, but all of their actions are all kind of muffled by your character staring at her lover. You need to define their actions and they need to move as fast as they can to get as far as they can before her people wake up. I mean, it would still be possible for the men to catch up if they have horses or some mode of transportation that outpaces walking, but their--the two who are trying to make their way to freedom--mission is to get as far away as they can. If they wanted to die they would just hang around camp. And, again, we want to feel the tension. We want to feel like we're the ones running away from home with our forbidden love.

Keep involving us, lose us within the moment, so that their stopping at the oasis to make love doesn't go against the rush we felt from escaping. The boy being an 'infidel,' he should know how important it is to keep moving. He should know all of the tricks of the trade for escaping from this large of a mob. Of course, you might try delving deeper into his character, to find out what exactly he does know. I can't help but wondering if he truly loves her or not, or is he a lovesick boy who stole a horse once? I think you really do need to look at your characters and your story a bit more closely to see how much you can improve our impressions of them.

I committed the gravest sin
That to my father, could exist
I feel in love with a sweet boy’s grin
And that infidel I kissed

This is the part that contradicts with the earlier part, why would her father send out a whole mob in order to kill the guy and get his daughter back if he prays for her to die. That isn't just that he is upset with her, or that he doesn't really love her, that implies that he wants her to die that instant. Also, how could it be a greatest sin to fall in love, if the father doesn't love her? How could he want her to die if he loved her? If this is a culture thing, you really need to make that clear. Also, when did they find out that she was missing? Even if they ran the whole night, how could they reach them in such a shorter time than that. Your timeline is too blurred.

Overall, I'm sorry but I just kind of feel like the whole thing is pointless. I mean, I love the death of her lover, and I love her strength, but the story itself needs improvement. It's not the story that is pointless, it's just that the way you tell it needs to be improved so that we feel the impact. Instead of telling us that she's trapped, her lover took her away, that they had one perfect night, and then that he was killed, but her heart still belongs to him. Show us. Connect us to this woman who has made the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person, that she is willing to give up everything to be with him, that they couldn't run fast enough. The guard spotted them as they started running and he quietly alerted the camp. They had horses and they were right behind them, the two stopped at the oasis for a short break. Once heartfelt glance and time slipped away, one kiss, maybe something more, and then they feel hoofbeats as the mob goes in for the attack. What does her guy do when faced with so many people that they just 'cut him down?' Does he try to protect her, fight, run away, or just stand there? This is a great moment, right where the tension climaxes, we need images. And what does she do after he dies? Does she come along quietly? Does she suspect that she is pregnant, and has a reason to live? Or would she kill herself in that moment or as soon as she gets the opportunity? Emotion, we need emotion for Drama.

My suggestions for improvement: Try writing this without any rhymes at all, try writing it as a short story, get a better idea of what your story is and what your message is, and then write the poem, picking a rhyming scheme and staying with it throughout. Show us what's happening and what the characters are feeling, and also trust us to bridge the gap in communication--to a certain extent. Or, you could write it out as a short story and then figure out how to tighten the words of your poem to bring across that story. It's a wonderful story, I really do love the potential within the story, but the poem itself is rather hard to get through to find the passion underneath. Also, I do have to say that the whole story, the brief moment of passion and freedom, reminds me of the short story Harrison Bergeron by Kurt Vonnegut. One of the most amazing moments that ever existed.

Beyond this, I have to commend you for the length of the poem. It takes dedication to write a poem that long, and to keep the story going through all of those lines. But, as with all long things, it takes a lot of work to improve it. I do love the story that this one tells, although my ADD leaves me wanting a tighter way of telling that story. It truly is amazing.

Good luck with this poem and feel free to PM me with any questions!

- Tatra