Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

I think that there are parts of this poem that definitely need work, but I was in a playful mood this morning, so I decided to write this, in the hope that its good. Please review, and tell me what you think.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

There once lived a queen
In a distant land,
Who pricked her finger
“Ouch, that was my goddamn hand.”

It was then,
When she finally stayed still,
She saw the blood on the snow
That had fallen on the ebony window sill.

“Oh hell,” she said,
“Oh I wish I could grow,
A daughter with lips as red as blood
whose skin shall be as white as snow.”

“But one more condition,
would make her whole.
With her hair's color as ebony black,
She'd be right up there in the princes shoal.”

But my dear friends,
When you make a wish,
I would advise some caution indeed, For
When the daughter was born, the queen was dead as a fish.

The girl Snow White,
Grew up way too fast.
When the King married a hag,
She doubted she would last.

The hag wasn't a beast,
Oh yes she was pretty.
Her mirror told her,
“Oh hell are you nitty.”
But sooner than later
Snow White turned seven.
Around the time,
That the hag decided to send her to heaven.

The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”

The vain old hag,
just wanted to win.
One way to do this,
Was to slit Snow White's chin.

The axeman she hired,
Turned out very bad.
He fell in love with the slut,
That stupid damn cad.

He told Snow White to run away,
A bunch of cretins gave her a home,
But these miserable shorties
Made her, a princess, work like a garden gnome.

The hag asked the mirror time again,
Who truly owned beauty,
The Mirror responded once again,
“Snow white, what a cutie!”

The witch found a grumpy dwarf
who knew about Snow White.
Unintentionally, of course,
The grumpy short cretin, started one hell of a fight.

Dressed as an old woman,
The hag arrived at the door,
holding an apple in her hand,
Snow White, naïve as she was, ate it right up to the core.

That little ungrateful slut of a girl,
Let the apple go to her head.
Instead of thanking the hag,
She decided she'd be better off dead.

But what made matters worse,
Was this vain, self-righteous prince,
Who fell in love with her body
Despite her being mince.

The prince stole the body
From those poor short men,
And handed her over to his slaves,
Who would carry her to the prince's den.

But the princes slaves,
believe it or not,
were even less intelligent than him. For behold somehow,
They fished her out from her destiny to rot.

The stupid clots,
Clumsily fell,
Snow white, dead as she was,
vomited up the apple, core, seed, and shell.

Then the worst happened.
The slut awoke,
The peace of her absence,
had long since been broke.

She seduced the prince, and married him,
She made him think that she wanted to shag,
When in truth what she really wanted,
Was to kill the old hag.

Seriously? No one has reviewed this yet?

yrclever wrote:I think that there are parts of this poem that definitely need work, but I was in a playful mood this morning, so I decided to write this, in the hope that its good. Please review, and tell me what you think.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

There once lived a queen
In a distant land,
Who pricked her finger
“Ouch, that was my goddamn hand.” I seriously laughed out loud when I read this! Good job. However, this line is a lot longer than the previous three...I would change those, but not this one, because this one is gold

It was then, Honestly, this line isn't doing anything for me. I think it's unnecessary.
When she finally stayed still,
She saw the blood on the snow
That had fallen on the ebony window sill. This, again, is longer than the previous three lines. I get that it's on purpose (right?), like a pattern, but I still don't think it really works.

“Oh hell,” she said,
“Oh I wish I could grow,
A daughter with lips as red as blood
whose skin shall be as white as snow.” Perfect. Except you could ditch the comma after grow.

“But one more condition,
would make her whole.
With her hair's color as ebony black,
She'd be right up there in the princes shoal.” Come on. Give me something to critique here!

But my dear friends,
When you make a wish,
I would advise some caution indeed, For Oh, you did. This stanza is kind of bad...sorry. (You didn't mean to capitalize For, right?) Indeed is unnecessary, and the last line-what does 'dead as a fish' mean? Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I've never heard that expression before. It feels like you just chose 'fish' because it rhymes.
When the daughter was born, the queen was dead as a fish.

The girl Snow White, Consider, instead of the comma, doing 'The girl-Snow White-'
Grew up way too fast.
When the King married a hag,
She doubted she would last.

The hag wasn't a beast, Just an opinion, but you could write 'The hag was a beast/But oh, she was pretty' or something. Because she was a beast, right? Mentally, anyway.
Oh yes she was pretty.
Her mirror told her,
“Oh hell are you nitty.” Is nitty a word?
But sooner than later
Snow White turned seven.
Around the time, No comma here. And, sorry for all the rewording, but I think it would flow better if you used something like, 'And that's when the hag/decided to send her to heaven', because the last line has too many syllables.
That the hag decided to send her to heaven.

The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.” Excellent.

The vain old hag, Ditch the comma.
just wanted to win.
One way to do this, This one too.
Was to slit Snow White's chin.

The axeman she hired,
Turned out very bad.
He fell in love with the slut,
That stupid damn cad.

He told Snow White to run away,
A bunch of cretins gave her a home,
But these miserable shorties
Made her, a princess, work like a garden gnome. Good thought, but if you ditch the 'the princess' it will flow better.

The hag asked the mirror time again, Consider replacing 'time again' with 'one more time' or something, since you use again in one of the next line and because time again doesn't make sense here.
Who truly owned beauty,
The Mirror responded once again,
“Snow white, what a cutie!”

The witch found a grumpy dwarf
who knew about Snow White.
Unintentionally, of course,
The grumpy short cretin, started one hell of a fight. Ditch the comma and the two adjectives. Otherwise, this stanza is great.

Dressed as an old woman,
The hag arrived at the door,
holding an apple in her hand,
Snow White, naïve as she was, ate it right up to the core.

That little ungrateful slut of a girl, This is something I've noticed throughout the poem-I can't decide whether you sympathize with the queen or with the girl, because you call the queen the hag but the girl the slut. Do you just hate them both?
Let the apple go to her head.
Instead of thanking the hag,
She decided she'd be better off dead.

But what made matters worse,
Was this vain, self-righteous prince,
Who fell in love with her body
Despite her being mince. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

The prince stole the body
From those poor short men, Stop calling them short. It was funny, but now we get it.
And handed her over to his slaves,
Who would carry her to the prince's den. Consider replacing 'prince's' with 'his'.

But the princes slaves, prince's.
believe it or not,
were even less intelligent than him. For behold somehow,
They fished her out from her destiny to rot. What? this stanza is confusing. You could even omit the entire thing.

The stupid clots,
Clumsily fell,
Snow white, dead as she was,
vomited up the apple, core, seed, and shell.

Then the worst happened.
The slut awoke,
The peace of her absence,
had long since been broke. Well...grammatically it's broken, but I understand why you used broke. But you could do, 'The slut was awoken' and then 'had long since been broken'..if you wanted.

She seduced the prince, and married him,
She made him think that she wanted to shag,
When in truth what she really wanted,
Was to kill the old hag.

Ah, this was great. Good job. All my suggestions are above. PM me if you need anything.

yrclever wrote:I think that there are parts of this poem that definitely need work, but I was in a playful mood this morning, so I decided to write this, in the hope that its good. Please review, and tell me what you think.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves DWARFS.

There once lived a queen
In a distant land,
Who pricked her finger
“Ouch, that was my goddamn hand.”

It was then,
When she finally stayed still,
She saw the blood on the snow
That had fallen on the ebony window sill. IT'S A BIT FORCED RHYME.

“Oh hell,” she said,
“Oh, I wish I could grow,
A daughter with lips as red as blood WHO'S DAUGHTER? YOU ALREADY MENTIONED BLOOD.
whose skin shall be as white as snow.” +RHYTHM+... DID YOU KNOW THAT WHITE SKIN WAS OBLIGATORY FOR GIRLS IN THAT AGE SO THEY HAD TO STAY IN HOUSE SO THEY COULD GET PALE...?

“But one more condition,
would make her whole.
With her hair's color as ebony black,
She'd be right up there in the princes shoal.” WHY THE ""?

But my dear friends,
When you make a wish,
[s]I would advise some caution indeed, For
When the daughter was born, the queen was dead as a fish.[/s] TOO LONG

The girl Snow White,
Grew up way too fast.
When the King married a hag,
She doubted she would last.

The hag wasn't a beast,
Oh yes she was pretty.
Her mirror told her,
“Oh hell are you nitty.”

But sooner than later
Snow White turned seven.
Around the time,
[s]That the hag decided to[/s] send her to heaven.

The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”

The vain old hag,
just wanted to win.
One way to do this,
Was to slit Snow White's chin.

The axeman she hired,
Turned out very bad.
He fell in love with the slut,
That stupid damn cad.

He told Snow White to run away,
A bunch of cretins gave her a home,
But these miserable shorties
Made her, a princess, work like a garden gnome. I LOST MYSELF....IF I DON'T KNOW THE STORY I WOULD BE CONFUSED...THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS...YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN US HOW THE STORY FLOWS...

The hag asked the mirror time again,
Who truly owned beauty,
The Mirror responded once again,
“Snow white, what a cutie!”

The witch found a grumpy dwarf
who knew about Snow White.
Unintentionally, of course,
[s]The grumpy short cretin, started one hell of a fight.[/s] THIS SOUNDS CHILDISH...BUT IT'S A STORY ABOUT SNOW WHITE SO IT'S OK. BUT THEN WHY ARE YOU USING WORDS AS SLUT,SHAG...?

Dressed as an old woman,
The hag arrived at the door,
holding an apple in her hand,
Snow White, naïve as she was, ate it right up to the core. AGAIN TOO LONG.

That little ungrateful slut of a girl,
Let the apple go to her head.
Instead of thanking the hag,
She decided she'd be better off dead.

But what made matters worse,
Was this vain, self-righteous prince,
Who fell in love with her body
Despite her being mince.

The prince stole the body
From those poor short men,
And handed her over to his slaves,
Who would carry her to the prince's den.

But the princes slaves,
believe it or not,
were even less intelligent than him. For behold somehow,
They fished her out from her destiny to rot.

The stupid clots,
Clumsily fell,
Snow white, dead as she was,
vomited up the apple, core, seed, and shell.

Then the worst happened.
The slut awoke,
The peace of her absence,
had long since been broke.

She seduced the prince, and married him,
She made him think that she wanted to shag,
When in truth what she really wanted,
Was to kill the old hag.

4/10 ---JUST FOR MAKE ME LAUGH...

Very entertaining!

'The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”' <--- this is my favorite line. very clever wording. it made me smile. =)

I agree with what the other 2 critiques say about having certain lines that are too long. It sounds rushed, not rythmic, so i'd try to fix that. (The specific places have already been pointed out.)

In my opinion, i think this poem would be just as cute and funny without the swearing. However, it currently has a definite flavor, so if that's what you're going for, then well done. Otherwise, you could go for a harmlessly humorous feel by emitting some of the language. Just a thought.

And i guess this last part isn't so much a critique, but it took me a long time to figure out that the 'slut' was actually 'snow white.' I think it's because all the fairy tales and such put her in such a different light that it didn't occur to me. The way you portray her is unique, therefore interesting to read. I just thought i'd put it out there for comprehension's sake, that i didn't quite get it right away.

Nice job overall. muy enjoyable!

oh, and by the way, i actually kind of liked the 'dead as a fish' line. Not because it necessarily makes sense, but it was funny, and it matched the rest of the poem that way.

Very entertaining!

'The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”' <--- this is my favorite line. very clever wording. it made me smile. =)

I agree with what the other 2 critiques say about having certain lines that are too long. It sounds rushed, not rythmic, so i'd try to fix that. (The specific places have already been pointed out.)

In my opinion, i think this poem would be just as cute and funny without the swearing. However, it currently has a definite flavor, so if that's what you're going for, then well done. Otherwise, you could go for a harmlessly humorous feel by emitting some of the language. Just a thought.

And i guess this last part isn't so much a critique, but it took me a long time to figure out that the 'slut' was actually 'snow white.' I think it's because all the fairy tales and such put her in such a different light that it didn't occur to me. The way you portray her is unique, therefore interesting to read. I just thought i'd put it out there for comprehension's sake, that i didn't quite get it right away.

Nice job overall. muy enjoyable!

oh, and by the way, i actually kind of liked the 'dead as a fish' line. Not because it necessarily makes sense, but it was funny, and it matched the rest of the poem that way.

Very entertaining!

'The hag asked the mirror
Who truly owned beauty.
But the mirror responded,
“Snow white – What a cutie.”' <--- this is my favorite line. very clever wording. it made me smile. =)

I agree with what the other 2 critiques say about having certain lines that are too long. It sounds rushed, not rythmic, so i'd try to fix that. (The specific places have already been pointed out.)

In my opinion, i think this poem would be just as cute and funny without the swearing. However, it currently has a definite flavor, so if that's what you're going for, then well done. Otherwise, you could go for a harmlessly humorous feel by emitting some of the language. Just a thought.

And i guess this last part isn't so much a critique, but it took me a long time to figure out that the 'slut' was actually 'snow white.' I think it's because all the fairy tales and such put her in such a different light that it didn't occur to me. The way you portray her is unique, therefore interesting to read. I just thought i'd put it out there for comprehension's sake, that i didn't quite get it right away.

Nice job overall. muy enjoyable!

oh, and by the way, i actually kind of liked the 'dead as a fish' line. Not because it necessarily makes sense, but it was funny, and it matched the rest of the poem that way.