Crevice

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Points 1040

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Sat Dec 20, 2008 1:28 am

beemarie425 says... · Sat Dec 20, 2008 1:28 am

The sunset creates a halo on your hair
The pieces of my heart shed on my face
My heart is a filthy reminder of love lost
Of laughs shattered
And talks that never mattered
Of times when I felt alive
I was dying slowly inside
But your heart goes on…
A singular beat of exaltation
Reigns supreme
As my heart refuses to beat
Because when you left
You took something of mine
And I never want it back
It’s forever changed
And mangled
In your hand
And you may want to be charitable
Hand it back without compensation
But your reasons are selfish
A disgusting guilt
A powerful feeling
Is it distress?
Or love?

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Mars

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Points 6403

Reviews 312

Sat Dec 20, 2008 6:14 pm

Mars says... · Sat Dec 20, 2008 6:14 pm

Hey beemarie425! I'm kissthewitch and I'll be reviewing your poem today.

First, two little things:

beemarie425 wrote:The sunset creates a halo on your hair
The pieces of my heart shed on my face I like how you compare the sunset to the pieces of your heart, but it could be a bit clearer.
My heart is a filthy reminder of love lost
Of laughs shattered
And talks that never mattered
Of times when I felt alive
I was dying slowly inside
But your heart goes on…Okay, this is weird. You started out not rhyming, and then you did (shattered/mattered, alive/inside) and now you aren't anymore. Either rhyme or don't rhyme, but be consistent.

You obviously have some experience with this situation, and it shows. But I noticed that a lot of your poem is about "your heart beats, but mine doesn't, now give it back, I don't want it" etc, etc. It gets a bit repetitive, and then the end doesn't seem to fit. Is it love or distress? It's fairly uninteresting, and doesn't do the rest of the poem justice. Of course, these are just suggestions-feel free to ignore if you don't agree ;-)

I really did enjoy reading this, you did a great job! Just edit it a little and I think it will be excellent. PM me if you need any more help and I shall be glad to assist.

'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats

critiques // nano

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darko.demark666

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Points 1659

Reviews 223

Thu Dec 25, 2008 7:38 pm

darko.demark666 says... · Thu Dec 25, 2008 7:38 pm

beemarie425 wrote:First of all, I agree with "kissthewitch" about rhyme.

The sunset creates a halo on your hair
The pieces of my heart shed on my face (end of the line)
My heart is a filthy reminder of love lost could it be without that?
Of laughs shattered
And talks that never mattered,
Of times when I felt alive
I was dying slowly inside
[s]But your heart goes on…[/s] This doesn't fit cause it ends with "..." but the next verse is in rhyme with this one so it hurts the rhythm of the song...
A singular beat of exaltation
Reigns supreme Love it
As my heart refuses to beat
[s]Because when you left,
You took something of mine
And I never want it back[/s] Too long...too boring...
It’s forever changed
And mangled
In your hand
And you may want to be charitable
Hand it back without compensation Huh????
But your reasons are selfish
A disgusting guilt
A powerful feeling
Is it distress?
Or love? That is what you have to tell us...

Dreams they come and go...ever shall be so...

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Livinginfantasy

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Points 890

Reviews 192

Thu Dec 25, 2008 8:23 pm

Livinginfantasy says... · Thu Dec 25, 2008 8:23 pm

beemarie425 wrote:The sunset creates a halo on your hair
The pieces of my heart shed on my face
My heart is a filthy reminder of love lost
Of laughs shattered
And talks that never mattered
Of times when I felt alive
I was dying slowly inside
But your heart goes on…
A singular beat of exaltation
Reigns supreme
As my heart refuses to beat
Because when you left
You took something of mine
And I never want it back
It’s forever changed
And mangled
In your hand
And you may want to be charitable
Hand it back without compensation
But your reasons are selfish
A disgusting guilt
A powerful feeling
Is it distress?
Or love?

This is so cute... but it could have some more emotion. When I read this, it's like I'm hearing someone reminisce; but they are emotionless.

I love the first two lines, though. Nice description and very well structured.

So, sorry if this isn't any help but I suggest that you try adding some more emotion. Perhaps elaborating on how it got to this this point and what exactly this other person did?

I love those first two lines, though... so don't change those!

~LIF

P.S Happy Holidays!

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