Invisible

Um, so these are my first attempt at lyrics, hope you like them!

~~~~~~~

[slow strumming on acoustic guitar]

my mind, my mind is so open
yet it always feels the hinges are closed
this world, this life is so harmful
that I can't keep denying it
live like tomorrow will never come
live like there will never be an end
so different, each day so different
and I can't help it

my mind is so open
yet it's locked shut
want to know
want to believe
but I can't
I can't

I never meant for it to be this way
so difficult
oh so difficult
but no one ever seems to understand
this pain
because I'm invisible
invisible
you'll never see me
even if you try
because deep down in your heart
you know you don't want to

close your eyes
block out noise
never listen to a word I say
you are so difficult
this life is so difficult
when you're invisible

[quote="OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo"]Um, so these are my first attempt at lyrics, hope you like them!

~~~~~~~

[slow strumming on acoustic guitar]

my mind, my mind is so open
yet it always feels the hinges are closed>> this is good, I think this.
this world, this life is so harmful
that I can't keep denying it
live like tomorrow will never come
live like there will never be an end
so different, each day so different
and I can't help it>>>I love this paragraph perfect start.

my mind is so open
yet it's locked shut
want to know
want to believe
but I can't
I can't>> This is a little shaky but it can work.

I never meant for it to be this way
so difficult
oh so difficult
but no one ever seems to understand
this pain
because I'm invisible
invisible
you'll never see me
even if you try
because deep down in your heart
you know you don't want to>>>Ok, no offence but you kind of go down hill from this paragraph and below, sorry don't mean to be rude. Try something like... This (below)

Things turned out, wrong.
I won't be sorry, because it's not my fault.
You can never understand my pain!
Leave me alone! Since I'm so invisible.
Close your eyes,
even then you can't see me.
Don't try, don't try.

(Or something like that)

close your eyes
block out noise
never listen to a word I say
you are so difficult
this life is so difficult>>not bad but not good.
when you're invisible[/quote]
______________

I'm sorry I just ruined your lyrics but you should really think about it. Good job for your first time. I hope this helps at all.

I kind of like what you've got... the first verse and the chorus flow.

Like October Girl said though... I'd reword the second verse to give it a little more substance... you seem to be repeating a lot more words in that verse. I'd also reword it to make the rhythm of the second more like the first.

I'd also maybe play with the rhythm a bit - there's some lines where I feel like there are extra words that don't "belong"... for example,

you are so difficult
this life is so difficult
when you're invisible

The second line has one extra syllable than the first and it sort of threw me off... Maybe make it "This life so difficult" - I know it's not a lot, but I find when reading lyrics/poetry that when the rhythm gets off at all, I stop and kind of go "huh? where'd that come from?"

Thank you guys so much! That's a lot of help