I cant believe myself. How could I even think that way? For crying out loud i should know it wouldn't end well. Why was I sad that things didn't end the way i wanted them to end. Any ways this is a tale of not long ago when I had a crush on my best friend's 'brother'. Lets just call her Marium It was wrong at so many levels; firstly he was a guy, secondly he was three years younger to me and above all he was Marium's brother.
The first time i got acquainted with him was when my friend told me her brother 'liked' me and he would smile at me next time he sees me. I knew it was creepy but i figured that was just him. The first time I actually saw him was on the school staircase when he whacked me on the head and then smiled. I remember running after him to avenge but then i just let it go. I complained about him to his sister. She advised to let him be.
Now that I look back I do not remember the exact moment the conversation started but I am quite sure it was when Marium was around. I don't know what got over me but he just made me so happy. He was young, crazy and so very adorable. We could talk about any thing under the sun and not worry about being judged, it was amazing to have him around. The little gestures of friendliness, the cheek-pulling and the random phone calls.
The day the monotony broke was when we had a two hour phone conversation in which he randomly asked me;
"Would you ever kiss a guy?"
"Well maybe, for the right price that is."
I joked.
After that i remember things getting more intimate, more personal and i used to try really hard, just to get noticed. a series of little games followed. I would ignore him out of the blue and expect him to come to me, and he did. He would complain why i didn't spend time with him and would come to me after school for an exclusive talk, go all mushy; holding my hand or just getting close. What can I say, what was I to believe? I really thought it was going somewhere, regardless the age, the gender and the fact that I would probably hurt my friend if I did get close to him.
All the gestures were indefinite, it could just be a joke or something. But the actual confession came this sunny day, under a tree outside school. We were sitting under the tree and talking about really random stuff, in fact it might not be as random but what followed was so overwhelming the conversation escapes my mind. Marium came along and we got up, I was talking to her when he whispered something in my ear, at first I couldn't believe my ears but it was definitely what i thought it was he said;
"I Love You."
I was shocked, had no idea how to react i just looked at him and smiled. Maybe I sent the wrong signs, he just looked down and left, he looked sad, I didn't know what to do. Had never been in such a situation, I figured a smile would be the modest thing to do, I wouldn't be confessing to anything yet I would let him know I didn't dislike his effort. That day it was all i could think of, those three words sounded so real and I couldn't cope with the fact that something that appeared so real, so pure and so honest could be wrong. Yet i followed my heart and thought it was my duty to tell him how i felt too. I told him i loved him on facebook; that was all I could manage.
We would talk about things like dates and a life together and stuff and the best thing was with him it was a bliss he just made talking about anything really easy. What was to come next? I didn't know what to do now, was I to give in to my emotions and break so many rules? I decided to go with the flow and when the next step finally came, it was devastating.
We were talking and we got in to an argument. The last thing he said was that he didn't want to talk to 'a fag' like me. It broke me with in. I knew he didn't mean it and I knew i couldn't be mad at him but it was the point when i realised something. It was never meant to be. I was living in a fool's paradise. I went in to a depression, couldn't believe how everything blew up in my face. Guess it was meant to be. I stayed away from him for a week. I got over the fact that it was love. Or maybe it was love but not the kind of love I was hoping it to be.
I still see him, visit him and act like nothing ever happened. It looks as in I am indifferent to him, I sit a seat or two away from him when i am at his place, yet when I see him somewhere I wave at him. I guess I just have to maintain this balance. I still find him as adorable as always(although he has taken up smoking which really creeps me out) but i know I have to be strong.
