Colors of love (New and Improved -hopefully-!)

Okay, after getting (awesome!) critique, I decided to edit this poem. Hopefully, it's changed for the better. Thanks for all the awesome crit, guys! I'm in awe that people took the time to write such long reviews. Makes me happy! lol, ok enough talking. Here's the poem:

Colors of Love

I: Red

Red is that night on the boardwalk
Putting flowers in your hair
Your kiss,
And you laughing at those flowers.
I saw scarlet the night we danced together,
Holding each other so close.
An eternal tango.
Red is the color of my passion.

II: Orange

Orange is the dress I wore to the prom
Jumping in the swimming pool
Peach ice cream
And you roaring like the tiger at the zoo.
We played like orange in the sprinkler,
Feeling the wet grass sticking to our feet,
And not caring.
Orange is the color of the fun we have.

III: Yellow

Yellow is that taxi to Broadway
Dancing together on the golf course.
Sunflowers
And you smiling at me.
The sun was our yellow that day at the beach,
When I buried you in the sand,
Up to your neck, and you were laughing.
Yellow is the color of my happiness.

IV: Green

Green is that St. Patrick's Day hat
Watching Sesame Street together
Key lime pie
And you playing with your brother.
I spoke in shades of green, that day I told you I loved you,
Sitting on the swing.
Holding your hand.
Green is the color of honesty.

V: Blue

Blue is that boat ride in the Mediterranean
Dancing in the rain
Boxer shorts
And watching you cry, not being able to make it better.
I heard blue that day you told me you would never leave me.
You'd be there forever,
And always.
Blue is the color of promises.

VI: Indigo

Indigo is that night under the stars
Dancing a waltz
Velvet
And you singing to me.
There was so much indigo in that broken phone call.
The night you rescued me.
The night you set me free.
Indigo is the color of trust.

VII: Lavender

Lavender is that carnation on Valentine's Day
Watching the sunset
Easter eggs
And you whispering in my ear.
Lavender is my favorite color,
My favorite word,
And what I feel when I'm with you.
Lavender is the color of bliss.


...a poem from a young girl to her first (and last) love.
The boy she is talking about is the man she later married (fictionally of course. The two characters are products of my imagination).
Everything she mentions relates to a particular incident that happened to them.
Hope you guys like, please tell me what you thought!

This_is_history wrote:Colors of Love


(Hey there! I'm June and I'm going to be reviewing this for you! )

I: Red

Red is that night on the boardwalk
Red is putting flowers in your hair
Red is your kiss
Red is you laughing at those flowers
Red is the color of my passion.

Okay, so, this could be a good beginning, as I see where you're heading with this-- but! your repetiton on "Red" takes away from the poem. Make this more poetic, more dramatic-- use imagery. This could be turned into something completely beautiful like;

"Red is that night on the boardwalk--
Flowers dancing in your hair;
The taste of your kiss.
Red is you laughing at the flowers;
The color of my passion."

The less repetition, the better.

II: Orange

Orange is the dress I wore to the prom
Orange is jumping in the swimming pool
Orange is peach ice cream
Orange is you roaring like the tiger at the zoo
Orange is the color of the fun we have.

Dramatize this! You can throw SO much more into here;

"Orange is the dress I wore to the prom;
Jumping in the pool; the taste of peach ice cream
Orange is you roaring like the tiger;
The color of the fun we have"

III: Yellow

Yellow is that taxi to Broadway
Yellow is dancing on the golf course.
Yellow is sunflowers
Yellow is you smiling at me
Yellow is the color of my happiness.

Again, the repetition of the color takes SO much away from the poem-- it kind of hurts it a lot.

"Yellow is the taxi to Broadway;
Dances on the golf course;
Sunflowers, joy and--
yellow is you smiling at me;
The color of my happiness."

IV: Green

Green is that St. Patrick's Day hat
Green is watching Sesame Street together
Green is key lime pie
Green is you playing with your brother
Green is the color of honesty.

Green is that St. Patrick's Day hat;
Watching Sesame Street together;
Key lime pie and--
Green is you playing with your brother;
The color of honesty.

V: Blue

Blue is that boat ride in the Mediterranean
Blue is dancing in the rain
Blue is boxer shorts
Blue is watching you cry and not being able to make it better
Blue is the color of promises

Blue is that boat ride in the Mediterranean;
Dances in the rain,
Boxer shorts and--
Blue is the color of watching you cry; not being able to help;
The color of promises.

VI: Indigo

Indigo is that night under the stars
Indigo is dancing a waltz
Indigo is velvet
Indigo is you singing to me
Indigo is the color of trusting

Indigo is that night under the stars
Dancing a waltz;
Velvet and--
Indigo is you singing to me
The color of trusting

VII: Lavender

Lavender is that carnation on Valentine's Day
Lavender is watching the sunset
Lavender is easter eggs
Lavender is you whispering in my ear
Lavender is the color of bliss

Lavender is that carnation on Valentine's day;
Watching the sunset,
Easter eggs and--
Lavender is you whispering in my ear;
The color of bliss.


...a poem from a young girl to her first (and last) love.
The boy she is talking about is the man she later married (fictionally of course. The two characters are products of my imagination).
Everything she mentions relates to a particular incident that happened to them.
Hope you guys like, please tell me what you thought!

I liked it a lot; I think it was very good-- I loved how you colorized love in a rainbow; and aside from the repetition, I love how it was thought out; it lacked punctuation, but I believe that was intentional.

Very good; 8/10

Keep writing! I hope I wasn't too harsh!!


xxJune

This is a beautiful poem, each line bringing forth amazing imagery. I love how the blend of images and emotions equal into the love that she feels for her guy. You can really see all of the time they shared, almost as though she were remembering this perfect summer.

I know that there are poems out there that do this sort of thing, take one word and build on it, but I do have to agree with the previous reviewer. I think that the reader could connect better with the shorter mentions of the colors. Because, I do have to admit that after a certain amount of time the mind skips over the colors. It's very interesting to look at, though.

Comments are in Bold.

Colors of Love

I: Red

Red is that night on the boardwalk
Red is putting flowers in your hair
Red is your kiss
Red is you laughing at those flowers
Red is the color of my passion.
I like how you can really see the passion that they feel and how this all seems to be referring to one single moment in time. Which is why it might be better to limit all of the red and let the moment shine through.

II: Orange

Orange is the dress I wore to the prom
Orange is jumping in the swimming pool
Orange is peach ice cream
Orange is you roaring like the tiger at the zoo
Orange is the color of the fun we have.

III: Yellow

Yellow is that taxi to Broadway
Yellow is dancing on the golf course.
Yellow is sunflowers
Yellow is you smiling at me
Yellow is the color of my happiness.
I love how random things find their way into your imagery. I mean, most of these words can connect into the color itself, like the orange dress and the taxi, and then there are the other ones that remind you of the color. Like jumping into the swimming pool and dancing on the golf course. Yet it still reminds you of the color itself, although it certainly does connect to the character.

IV: Green

Green is that St. Patrick's Day hat
Green is watching Sesame Street together
Green is key lime pie
Green is you playing with your brother
Green is the color of honesty.

V: Blue

Blue is that boat ride in the Mediterranean
Blue is dancing in the rain
Blue is boxer shorts
Blue is watching you cry and not being able to make it better
Blue is the color of promises
I like how there's a mixture of sadness and faith within this stanza. There's also the mix of happiness and sadness, with the boat ride and dancing and then the crying. But, I like how you remind the reader of the downs of a relationship as well as the good times. And, that does show the power of promises.

VI: Indigo

Indigo is that night under the stars
Indigo is dancing a waltz
Indigo is velvet
Indigo is you singing to me
Indigo is the color of trusting
I think here is where I have basically the only problem with the poem. And it's basically just that last word to the stanza: trusting. See, for all of the rest of the poem that last word hasn't been a verb and now there's suddenly a verb. We go from passion to fun, to happiness, to honesty, to promises, and then to trusting and then onto bliss. It just seems to jar me and I think 'the color of trust' is better.

VII: Lavender

Lavender is that carnation on Valentine's Day
Lavender is watching the sunset
Lavender is easter eggs
Lavender is you whispering in my ear
Lavender is the color of bliss
Nitpick, Easter is usually capitalized, as well as you capitalized Valentine's Day. I love how lavender is the sunset, so different than one usually expects, but you can imagine them curled up somewhere watching a particular sunset, focusing more on the darker colors than the bright pinks and oranges.

Overall, I love the imagery. Even with the repetition, this is an amazing poem. You can really see their love as well as the memories that this character is showing us. Not a cliche love poem at all and it seems as though you put a lot of thought into this.

Good luck with your poetry!

- Tatra