Moments

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sorry no longer posted.
Last edited by ButterFlyInk on Mon Mar 23, 2009 8:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
["DD:why are you wearing 2 hats? GM: because i have 2 hats!" XD ]

"my mind isn't working properly..and so my fingers are following the trend." ~ Me




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Nice ! when reading this , i did feel a bit of confusion .. but i also felt inspired.
a good freehand ,
ps. the quote was a good idea , it brought it all together.




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Thank you :)
["DD:why are you wearing 2 hats? GM: because i have 2 hats!" XD ]

"my mind isn't working properly..and so my fingers are following the trend." ~ Me




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Hello ButterFlyInk! I'm kissthewitch, here to review your piece!
First of all, is this a poem? It's written like prose, whereas poetry usually has more line breaks. Try breaking it up, hitting the enter key when you want readers to pause or when you really want to emphasize something. That way it can be even more effective.
Other than that, I have a couple of nitpicks:
There[s]’s[/s] should be 'are' moments in time where everything seems to be in place. Moments [s]in time[/s] where everything is perfect. Life [s]seems to be[/s]is at its best, there is love and life and [s]moments of[/s] wonder. Then those moments fade; only scars of pain and bitter happiness, memories of those moments are alive in the mind and soul. Then the moment reappears but it [s]still[/s] isn’t what it was before.

Life itself has changed; the moments that were once held dear have faded from sight and mind. Love has been lost.

As time changes one moment into the next, new memories are found and held dear, there is hope, love, lust, dreams, fear[s]s[/s], passion, anger, inspiration, doubt. A new beginning is born with each day, each second that passes by.

Hope can be lost in a moment but [s]can be[/s] regained in the next, life begins [s]with moments[/s] and [s]it[/s] ends in moments.

There. There were a couple of grammar things that need to be fixed, and then I took out some words, which will make it flow better-but of course it's all up to you :D The line breaks really are a must, though. Your ideas and words are good, but your poem will be much more effective that way.
PM me if you need any help! xoxokissthewitch
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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