Under no condition am I okay

the emotion's not shown
and the voice not in right tone
because deep in my mind
I know your not kind
the traps you lay
just happen to say
that inside of your heart
there is nothing as dark
as another human being
I have lived just seeing
people go on and on
with no care for the con
so drop the act, this life
who wants it filled with strife
what you want isn't life at all
so with a push enjoy the fall

Hey there!

and the voice not in the[?] right tone

This is a very dark and morbid poem, I have to say. At least, the ending is. I'm not sure it's the best it could be. First of all, punctuate and capitalize where applicable. It will make it more readable. I also think the rhyme scheme ruins it in places, not to mention you don't always follow it. (heart/dark) This sort of rambles on... leaving me, your reader, left by the road side and slightly confused. Instead of talking a lot about something, why not choose a situation and describe the situation? Er, of course you're killing someone at the end... You're writing it more like a letter to the person, it seems to me, and it does have an interesting message: if you hate my life so much, you must not like yours, so you're not going to live. Dark, if not interesting?

But it doesn't catch me well enough. Like I said, it rambles on. It doesn't give enough emotion, it doesn't make me feel what you are feeling. What emotion isn't shown? I think if you let the idea sit around for a while, and you came back to it with a more concrete thought about what you wanted to produce, it would be better. Also, it would be better if you didn't let the rhyme scheme suffocate it. Sometimes a poem needs to breathe! Which means it doesn't need to rhyme. ^_~

Good luck! If you have any questions feel free to message me.

Hey there! Looks like you've already had some good advice from Suzie but I'll see if I can't add my own as well.

I know [s]your[/s] you're not kind

[Also I'd suggest a colon at the end of this line.]

Punctuation

Let's start with the basics. You need capitals, commas and full stops! Without punctuation, your reader doesn't know how the lines should be said, they get no space for breath and your poem looks generally unprofessional. Then after that, think about lovely dashes, colons and semi colons and possibly even a little irregular capitalisation. Punctuation can also be used to place emphasis on certain words or sections or to show the tone. A dash can illustrate a snide aside or several can show a fragmenting, a breaking of the narrator's pace or mind.

Structure

So this is a little more precise. Sometimes a structure works and sometimes it does not. In darker poems, like this one, I tend to suggest free verse but if you're going to use rhyme then be consistent and do it with style. Add rhythm so it flows better (have the same number of syllables in each line or alternating lines or couplet lines) and consider breaking this up into a couple of stanzas. Your poem's at the sort of length where it can just about get away with being a single block of writing but stanzas don't just make it more manageable, they show a switch in direction or the natural movement to another theory or emotion. They're very handy!

Content

So my main criticism of this poem is that the content is vague and it's something that's been said before and it isn't presented in a unique way. You want to write a dark poem, yes? And you want it to touch on the deceit of humanity and the general treachery of the world but there's no real depth of emotion. I'd suggest you flesh this out with imagery and more specific details; make it a narrative poem. Think of your narrator and why they feel this way and then think of who it is directed at. If it's a general audience, what deceit might they have made? What deceit has everyone made at least once in their life and what darkness lays in their heart: anger, jealousy, greed. But don't just state these, show rather than tell and put them into a situation.

I hope this helps a little, pm me if you have any questions!

Heather xx

Alright, let's see what can be said about this, shall we?

evanrith wrote:The emotion's not shown,
and the voice not in the right tone
because deep in my mind
I know you're not kind.
The traps you lay
just happen to say
that inside your heart
there is nothing as dark
as another human being.
I have lived just seeing
people go on and on
with no care for the con. I dunno, but this line seems a bit funny to me. Maybe consider rewriting it?
So drop the act; this life,
who wants it filled with strife?
What you want isn't life at all,
so with a push, enjoy the fall.

This could have been a great poem, but the lack of punctuation and grammar annoyed me too much. Also, the wording throughout your piece is odd. I think you should give up the rhyming; it flows better that way, especially in free verse. And learn how to use a semicolon.