Just One Of Those Days (I)

Thanks to the people who reviewed this, but I agree, I used waaay too much description here. So, it's dead now. (Got bored of it anyway.)

OK guys, this is my first EVER story on YWS, so please, I beg of you, rip it to shreds and feed 'em to the dogs if you have to. I've been known to go overboard with my descriptions, my apologies!

If you care, then I have a brief announcement to make: the story will be getting very dark once the next chapter begins, and there will be some strong swearing and Hitler-bashing (although I don't think anyone will really mind that one too much). You have been warned!

Thanks again if you've read it! I really appreciate it... T_T

You have this sort of voice, it just plays through in the first paragraph, that grabs me. Here's my first crit:
'e clouds had wept mercilessly on absolutely every single person who step'
absolutely every single...that's very, very, very, very, redundantly redundant.
second:
'hung over-ed worms,' uh, just say 'hung over.' it sounds better and is every bit as gramatically correct as your creative spelling. But I see you cared to try a spelling..
third:
Uh, yeah, you go overboard on description. Kind of like me in my story 'hermanway house.' Look at it in my portfolio if you want to.. but back to the uh crit... Sorry, but I am sleepy. *it's my meds, not your story!* I will finnish this soon...
sleepily: Cheers.
--Voxina

Hello there, mnesomeye! My name is Max. This is actually OK for your first post on YWS. I found it very enjoyable and it was great, as the user above me said, "you have a sort of voice that draws me in."

Well, she was absolutely right, it's true, and my dear it's a good voice. I don't really critique much and tell people how good their work is, so I'd consider you lucky. It's a good beginning for a story, I do ask you that you please carry on writing and have a good time doing it.

Well, enough of my blabber lets get to your story, the beginning where you started off.

"It started off as a regular/beautiful,ugly morning, blah blah blah..." Please, discard it, meaning get rid of it. It's not exactly tasteful. It feels like something rolling around in my mouth. Completely tasteless, I'm not saying this to be rude, no, no, no. But I think it would be better that way. And fill in a little bit more detail. Good! leave us hanging when they say.

"Follow me."

That leaves us hanging, so kudos to you!

Anyways this is completely meaningless crit and I think I shall be on my way.

-Max

mnesomeye --

That’s what he liked – short, concise, to-the-point.

Rather ironic, then, as this story is anything but. Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you -- but let's think about it for a moment. In this one (albeit short) chapter, what has happened? John walked into a building and sat down. At that rate we'll never get anywhere.

Pace yourself; I don't believe we need to know every thought running through John Meyers' mind at this point in the story. Everything needn't be scrutinized and elaborated upon.

For example:

but enough to cause him to hurl a black obscenity into the water-drenched air surrounding him.

How overblown; how unnecessary. The narrator has a good, strong voice, but that voice quickly becomes a shout when it oversteps its bounds. Don't let it become overbearing. Let the story breathe -- if he trips, fine; let him trip and leave it at that. The above quote is all fluff. It contributes nothing, and it only manages to annoy.

But then a cloud ... And then, of course, it had started to rain.

I don't hate thens quite as much as a certain other reviewer, and I can tolerate one every now and then (hoho), but these two are too close for comfort. Repetition is something I do dislike.

mercilessly

Was that meant to be bold?

"I know never to trust you again, you stupid ball of plasm--"

Funny.

... last syllable of his pet name, "Saturday is our day! ..."

That comma can be a period.

I have to say, I hardly feel drawn in. There's a hint of conflict, but not much. Where's the hook? What makes me want to keep reading? If you're going to make your chapters short, they must have something in them to urge the reader onwards. Otherwise we simply get small blocks of nothing.

Best of luck on the rest!

Prokaryote