Your heart can be painted with a red stroke
But for mine you see has been broke
There was two days to think
But it just washed down the sink
I don't know what she is thinking about
Just please don't tare my heart out
Silencer wrote:
(Hey there Silencer! Nice to meet you! I'm June and I'll be critiquing your poem here;)
()
Your heart can be painted with a red stroke
But for mine you see has been broke
She said she needs a couple of days to think
I thought about it, stayed up and cried and threw up in the sink
i don't know what she is thinking about
Just please don't tare my heart outYour heart can be painted with a red stroke
(Is this directed at the readers heart? As in my heart? How about we change this up a little--
"A heart can be painted with a simple stroke"; "A heart can be painted; a simple stroke"
Something like this, you see, you don't actually need to direct this at me; Make it vague to make the reader think about it, or make it clear so that the feeling is completely portrayed.)But for mine you see has been broke
(This line makes the above line make a little bit more sense! But the only problem I have is, this is too vague. It kind of irks me a bit, and I think it needs to be versed better than this. Drop the "but" it's not necessary, dear. I see you also have a rhyming scheme going on here; 1,1; 2,2; 3,3; so I see that you would like to keep "broke" here. In order to that we'd have to reword this. Throw some drama in there, make your heart fragile, delicate, or something so that you can say;
"My fragile heart has never broke")She said she needs a couple of days to think
(This line-- although simplistic seems to drag things out a bit. We need to fix this!!
"She says; she needs time to think" Make it simple-- clean cut; I always say the shorter, the sweeter.)I thought about it, stayed up and cried and threw up in the sink
(No offense, deary, but this is dragged out! "and" is a dragger, and you've used it twice. Poetry gives us the freedom to bend the rules of grammar often.
"I thought; I cried; vomited in the sink")i don't know what she is thinking about
Because you used capitalization above, you should capitalize "I" here. Deary, we understand that you don't know what she is thinking; so you really don't need to imply this, at least not in this way. How about she is all that you think about? Or you hope you're what she thinks about? )Just please don't tare my heart out
(The correct spelling of "tare" is "tear"; This is almost completely awkward for a closing line, dear, so I would flex the poetry muscles on this... Why can't you pray that she won't tear your heart out, or at least hope for that? Maybe you might cry your heart out? Be dramatic! Poetry gives you that freedom!)
By Greg E. Foster
(Now Greg, as Princess stated, it's dangerous to post your real name on the 'net. I would suggest coming up with a "pen name"-- like, mine is June; so I prefer for most people-- in real life too to call me June. If you ask me, "Silencer" is a great name to run by, so maybe you could use that instead!)
Your heart can be painted with a red stroke I don't actually understand this line. Maybe I am just not really observant. I am not really good at this figuring out what poetry is deal
But for mine you see has been broke This one helps me understand the first and like someone has said before, it is too vague for me. You might be able to add a comma in there to help readers figure out the rhythm of the poetry.
There was two days to think I am not sure if this is part of something that happened like a break up or something were you guys never talked to each other maybe but for the readers it barely makes sense. You could maybe some how find a way to elaborate on this part.
But it just washed down the sink This is a horrible metaphor to use. I kind of feel this was a branch off of 'And it washed down the drain' or something like that, and it does rhyme but it just doesn't seem to fit for me.
I don't know what she is thinking about You may want to work on your tenses because this doesn't match. It might make more sense if you used 'I didn't know what she was thinking about,'.
Just please don't tare my heart out Again, you have to watch the pretense and the grammar. You could have used something like 'I just hoped she would not tear out my heart' or something like that. Remember I am horrible at Poetry.
But for mine you see has been broke
There was two days to think
But it just washed down the sink
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