Driven

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Driven

The moon shadows the sleek BMW
that tears apart the shimmering night.
At the wheel, my granddad tells me
how he visited my father
in the fatherland
(a complete pariah, I might add).
He asks him
if he would kindly
buy the son he hasn’t seen
in lengthening years
a jet-black car,
a trophy to reward the toil
of cultivating the destiny that lies ahead.
Of course,
I can picture the reaction:

my father flushes red
with a muddying laughter
that seethes: “Doubtless,
his dreams will sink into the bog
of gormlessness.”
(In real life, he’d be far too busy
arranging the next banquet of girls
for his nephew to consume
to even care.)
But I dream

of dashing my father’s doubts
against the perfect vehicle
for my contempt:
its diamond-like wheels
would drive his mirth into the mud
and smear it all over
his reddening face.

The car disappears
in a flash of pitch black laughter
and tears down yellow-streaked tarmac
past an expanse of flickering memories,
towards the sign
that proudly announces:
”You are entering your Destination.

No speed limit.”
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.

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Gender Female
Points 6517
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Hey Gahks -- I don't usually review poetry, but I try to give the best reviews I can! I hope this is what you're looking for.

my father flushes red
with a muddying laughter
that seethes: “Doubtless,
his dreams will sink into the bog
of gormlessness.”

This stanza confuses me a bit - two words throw me off. I understand muddying, but it reads sort of odd. On the other hand, gormlessness is an extremely off word and I'm not sure the point you're trying to make.

The story behind the poem is very nice. I'm not entirely sure what was so important about the vehicles, as the format sort of slowed me down a bit. I feel like the story is interrupted with too many stops. Like, the lines are too short - I feel like some of the descriptions should be on the same line, rather than making me linger and finish the detail in the next line. Like, put "the car disappears in a flash of pitch black laughter", all in one line. It will make the poem thicker, but I think it will look and read much nicer. This is stylistic though, and only a personal opinion.

I like your use of parentheses, and you have some good imagery in here. You should keep writing poetry - I don't think I've seen you much in these forums! Or maybe I just haven't noticed.

PM me for anything!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?



The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe