Fallen (edited)

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I actually wrote this when I was bored one time, so it may not be my best work, but I think it's all right. Let me know what you think.

~Okay, in response to the comments of Stella Thomas and *writewatiwant*, I have added some things and changed some things about this poem. Feel free to leave comments about this new version.

----

Awaking to nothing, to impending black
Can’t seem to remember my name.
I feel destiny’s stare burning into my back,
And I find I’ve got no one to blame.

A solitary shadow cast onto the wall,
Light comes from everywhere, nowhere at once
The eternal blankness preceding my fall,
But who was it to give such a thrust?

Flashing,
Thrashing,
My life was at stake.

Falling,
Crawling,
Expected to break.

Defeated and wounded, I lie on the ground,
My only hope is to find him.
As memory returns, I’ve suddenly found
My previous wish was to blind him.

Rejected by all and consoled by none,
The story of my newfound life.
He did not fall, this is not fair,
The world I know is pain and strife.

Silent,
Violent,
Hearing my screams.

Keening,
Bleeding,
Can’t find my dreams.

If this is all I’m living for,
I don’t know why I exist.
He pushed me away, that much is clear,
There’s no reason at all to persist.

It takes too much strength to keep my head up,
And nothing makes sense anymore.
This cave where I’ve fallen is no place like home,
But I can’t lift myself off the floor.

Hopeless,
Helpless,
Alone in the dark.

Crying,
Dying,
The beats of my heart.

But as I listen for the help that can save me,
I hear the faint sounds of walking.
I know they won’t help me, that they too will hate me,
But suddenly, I hear him talking.

He tells me he’s sorry, he says it with shame,
His eyes are too bright, too persuasive.
I’m finding myself falling into his spell,
He’s right here beside me, striking, invasive.

Flying,
Sighing,
Finally saved.

Soaring,
Restoring,
The rescue I craved.
Last edited by dark_angel on Sat Dec 20, 2008 8:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.
♥Your tears don't fall,
they crash around me,
her conscience calls
the guilty to come home...♥
~Tears Don't Fall, Bullet for My Valentine




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Hey there dark_angel, and may I cordially welcome you to YWS! You can call me Stella or Stel if you really want, and I shall critique you today...

A solitary shadow cast onto the wall,
Light comes from everywhere, nowhere at once
The eternal blankness preceding my fall,
But who was it to give such a thrust?


This stanza isn't working for me. The last line is throwing away the cute little rhyming scheme you had going on there... also "nowhere at once" isn't making a lot of sense. In fact, not much of this stanza is...

Flashing,
Thrashing,
My life was at stake.

Falling,
Crawling,
Expected to break.


These are, quite honestly, cool.


Rejected by all and consoled by none,
The story of my newfound life.


Again the tossing away of that pretty little rhyming scheme.

But it was very nice apart from those little things. The thing is, I'm not quite understanding what is going on. She's lying on the ground, and I get the feeling something awful's just happened to her (at least I think it's a she). I get that you're trying to be subtle, and I understand that it's very hard to be subtle and get your message across at the same time- trust me, I know. But could you perhaps try to make it a little clearer?

Apart from that, it was really good! Don't doubt yourself!

Hope I've helped and feel free to PM me if you have any questions, about my critique, the poem, YWS in general, or anything at all,

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hey there!
really, really but I mean REALLY good!
At least for me...
Anyway, one of my favs! And I'm hard to please so be happy, you've done a good work.
The mistakes found were brought up above, so I don't have much to say, but....
I still love it! So dark, so sad, so... me!
LOL
I think we have the same kind of style, so if you have any time, or if you'd be interested, you could check my dramatic poems :D
Anyway, good work and keep writing!
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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