Poem

The boy
Have you seen that boy with the red hair?
The boy who partly lived his life alone.
Walked the streets in shame and gilt?
Wondering why he’s here. See the people
Laughing and playing while he sits and swings
The boy who fights for only himself and loves only
Himself. The boy who found the meaning of life and
A friend he calls Naruto.

Well, that was....interesting. I like how you portrayed Gaara's point of view. By the way, you spelled guilt wrong. I suggest revising for some awkward capitalizing.

LoVeGaArA wrote:
(Hey there! Welcome to YWS; I'm June and I will be your critiquer today. )

(So, I think you have a nice idea for a poem here, but I just think it needs to be cleaned up and refined a bit. No hard feelings at all; that's just the way poetry runs. I know you may have wanted to keep this short, but this is the type of poem that needs elaboration. Now, I am going to tear up your poem-- not to be rude, or harsh, but just to show you how I would personally improve it. I'm not trying to change your work, since poetry is a very vast field; I just become very picky when it comes to it. )

The boy

Have you seen that boy with the red hair?

(This is a good opening line; it questions as it pulls you in.)

The boy who partly lived his life alone.

(The repetition of "boy" isn't actually suited for this poem. You may try rewording it like; "The one who lived his life alone"; Partly isn't necessary here. )

Walked the streets in shame and gilt?

(I believe you meant "guilt"; I would have liked to see what makes him shameful and feel guilt in the poem; but the reader is left to guess here.)

Wondering why he’s here. See the people

(No offense; this line almost spoils the poem. See, above you use past tense and then you switch to present. Let's try;

"Wondered about his existence. Saw the people")

Laughing and playing while he sits and swings

(You switched your tenses, dear. I personally like the poem in past tense since it started in past. So, I would change this to;

"Laughing and playing while he sat on the swing"

I changed it to "sat on the swing" because swinging implies that he may be joyously swinging, you know?
)

The boy who fights for only himself and loves only

(Eh, this came off a bit iffy, darling. Let's try;

"The boy who fought for himself, and loves no other than")

Himself. The boy who found the meaning of life and

"himself. He's the boy who found the meaning of life and"

A friend he calls Naruto

(I liked that last line there ^_^ Very good.)

Overall it was a good poem. It needs elaboration on some parts or simplifying some. I always say that the shorter the sweeter; but the more indepth the better. Poetry is a very, very tricky form of writing to master-- everyone simply cannot do this in the blinking of an eye.


Things to pay attention to:

Your tenses: You switch them up a bit much; It was a little hard to keep track on the poem.

Clarification: I'm confused about why he wanders as he does. Is he an orphan? In poetry, I think it's great to have some vague points in a poem, but you should hint to the reader what is behind the poem.

Overall, I say it was good. 5/10. Keep writing and welcome to YWS!

June