[deleted]

[not here anymore!]

Hey anti-pop.

What is the purpose of this poem? What theme are you trying to convey here? What is your target audience? Right now, what you have here is a jumbled mess.

Your use of stanza is poor. From what I've read, it seems to portray different aspects of the narrative's experience rather than different aspects of a theme or idea. As a result, your poem fails to work together to bring home the theme/idea that it's trying to portray. While I'm at it, what's the point of having a quatrain (four lined stanza) in each stanza? Really, there's no reason for it.

Because of the above, this in turn also detracted from the meaning of your figurative language. Your metaphors, symbolism and imagery practically have nothing to lean on. It's so haphazardly thrown together that you will be lucky if anyone actually understands as to what you mean.

I seriously have no suggestions for this piece other than to certify it and try something else. It's far beyond help.

Good luck.

Andy.

I have to say, I second Squall's words. I love the simmilies, and couldn't bring myself to really be nit-picky on the first readings because of the wonderful ring this poem has. But there are some issues. I'll try not to be too harsh, sorry if I sound that way, but I really did like it!
Crit one: I didn't get the point. Maybe you were right about the early morning poetry thing. I've done it, and they didn't make much sense either.
Crit two: the first two stanzas were lucid and, well, poetic. Mad perfect sense to me. Then I got to the last line of the second stanza. There, the flow broke. I couldn't decipher the meaning of 'with chocolate kisses'. It just doesn't seem to fit there. elaborate at that point why she has 'em. Explain it. Then I think it would be less of a distraction from the poem's flow.
Crit three: third stanza to me=very random. I didn't get it. Why is her pillow the only thing that connects her 'to this world'? I just really didn't understand it.
Crit four: It seems like, in the fourth stanza, you're building up to a major point you're going to make. Then the one you express doesn't make a bit of sense to me. What is the 'fruit'?
Crit five: The fifth stanza was so intense. This one is really lucid. I loved this one...
Crit six: Okay, this makes sense, the champagne is a similie for tears, no? But then the purple eyes...I don't get it.
Crit seven: This stanza was indecipherable. Very poetic if that's what you were aiming for, but I just didn't get it.
Crit eight: What transformation did she make?
Crit nine: Okay. The car crashes seems morbid, but I don't understand the inclusion of 'slick plastic cards'...
Crit ten: the last few stanzas...I kind of got it. But elaborate, make it clear where she is. Is she in the afterlife? Where? Is she in essentially, Hell? Is she having a flash-forwards to what will happen to her if she doesn't recover from the sort of things she's been doing?
I loved the 'pink daffodils' in the last line. Wow. What a haunting poem. I like it, but it needs to be more lucid to reach its potential.
Cheers!
--Voxina

1) The descriptions in your poem are good!
2) The words used in your poem are good!
3) The theme for the poem I didn't really get...

Can you PM me and explain to me the theme of the poem please?

Hi guys! Thanks for looking over my poem.
lol I'm well-aware of it's utter...idiocy? Reading over it this morning I'm saying to myself, 'What is this?'
So sorry guys, for those of you who read this and felt their IQ dropping.
But, I guess I'll try to decipher what was going on in my head, if possible.

There is a lonely girl

Who lives each day as if

It were so vital

In this sugar-spun life.

People often tend to take life too seriously and worry about petty things. Life is meant to be short and sweet, and there's not much we can do about it, so we should enjoy what it has to offer.

The pages of which

She writes her thoughts

Are smeared with

White chocolate kisses.

A girl who was once pure and good tries a taste of the life of those who are higher in society. She becomes obsessed, and over-indulges, leading her to drive towards what society classifies as 'perfect'.

She often forgets

That her pillow is

The only thing

Connecting her to this world.

Her 'pillow' is the only way she exists, because 'life is but a dream'. She forgets that life is a delicate yet simple thing and should be treated as such. She doesn't have to complicate and smash it to pieces.

This causes her to

Believe that there really is

No other way

To avoid the fruit.

Since she believes that life is so complicated and that once it ends it's over for good, she decides to taste the 'forbidden fruit' and live a life in sin.

So she tries that

Bittersweet taste of pure

Artificial emotion

And burns an X in her skin.

The 'artificial emotion' is the act that is put on by celebrities and other iconic figures in today's society. By burning an X into her skin, she is marking and therefore condeming herself to a miserable life.

The deeper wound

Is found inside her shoes

In the soles of her feet

Where the thorns are kept.

The thorns in her feet show what a barren road she has traveled to get to this point. The road is overgrown with hatred and discord, and the path of righteousness is not clear beneath the brush of temptation.

Champagne flows from

Her eyes as they

Burn a brilliant

Shade of purple.

Champagne represents a kind of 'ultimate temptation', if you will, and temptation now coarses through her entire being, even flowing from her eyes. Purple was once a color of royalty and riches, and since all she sees and wants from the world are material things, her eyes are scarred with a reminder.

The ice upon which

She stands splits

And she consumes

The boiling polish.

She's standing on 'thin ice' between the life she's chosen and the life she could've had. She is given one more chance to decide, but she choses the 'polished' material life and is forced to live forever with her choice.

When her transformation

Is complete

She is carried to

The bright red swing.

After she's finally consumed in sin, she begins to have second thoughts and is drawn back to the life she once lived as a child.

She thinks about things

Like slick plastic cards

And

Possibly fatal car crashes.

While she tries to think of trivial things like money (credit cards) and material items, she can't help but wander to the subject of reality, such as life and death.

While looking through a

One-way mirror

She comes face-to-face

With a green horror.

By looking through a one-way mirror, she is able to see her inner self without it seeing her. Because her inner greedy, selfish demon cannot see her, a small part of her remains untainted and innocent, yet miserable and trapped.

It eats away at

Her cobwebbed soul

And frightens away those

That only want to remove the mask.

Her demeanor scares off the ones she loved, who only wanted her to remove her 'mask' and become the person she once was.

If she had only tried

To clean her thoughts

She could have escaped

The looming tissue box.

If she had attempted to rethink her life, then she might have been spared from all of the sadness and hardship (shown by the tissue box).

If she could only

Learn to just replace

The books upon her shelf

With pink daffodils.

The books symbolize the knowledge and opinions she has of the world, full of nothing more than hate and anguish. Daffodils simply portray peace and happiness; a different frame of mind.



I really hope that makes more sense.
If not, eh. Just don't read it I guess.

Ok now I get it. Thanks. You got a great theme!

You're probably right about writing at midnight plus is not a good idea

I think you should try and rewrite this poem on the ideas you come up with related to it... during the day

Its nice though! the first 2 stanzas are great!

First, I didn't really understand what was going on, your similies and metaphors are awkwardly thrown together and don't really mean much to me. The first couple of stanzas are quite good, but I think the flow of this poem is a bit off, and that could be improved on.

Keep writing!