Two Maidens

Two little girls
were once best friends,
creating imaginary worlds
full of flying horses
and strange adventures.

In those worlds,
they were always the heroines;
they didn't need some prince
to find their happy endings.

Time shaped the girls
into maidens, who watched
other maidens get swept away
by handsome princes.

Together they bemoaned
the lack of good princes
in their world
and wondered if they
were destined for loneliness.

One day, a prince came
for one maiden.
She shrieked with delight
and the other rolled her eyes,
knowing what would happen
and praying that it wouldn't.

The first maiden returned
after her so-called prince
used her body and bruised her heart,
but somehow she kept running back
every time he called her name.

But then a second prince came
and banished the first one.
He took the maiden's hand
and swore that her heart
would be safe with him.

They asked the second maiden
for her blessing, which she gave.
But right before he took her friend,
she whispered in her ear,
Be careful this time,
it probably won't last.

The first maiden nodded,
but still believed more strongly
in happily-ever-after
as she rode off with her new prince.

The second maiden watched,
her own heart now filled
with bitter loneliness,
and prayed her prince
would hurry up and save her.

Hey hi hello, niteowl!

Two little girls [Plain words may they be, but still they made a fine beginning.

were once best friends, [I'm not very into this line – it's too ordinary for my taste. The words "best friends" always make me a little resisting. Also, by saying "were once" you're sort of spoiling the rest of the poem, because you're stating in the very start they're no more best friends.]

creating imaginary worlds [Could you say this in a way that's more interesting? I think you could. Like, "swinging through the spirals of make-believe" (lousy example, but you got the idea, I hope?)]

full of flying horses [This is also a bit too plain. We know flying horses, they're not so cool anymore. In an imaginary world there must be all kinds of different new things, other than those horses we're already familiar with (At least I am )]

and strange adventures.["Strange" is a word too boring to describe those wonders the girls must have gone through in their make-believe games.]

I understand that this is more of a story than a poem, and so it's lacking breathtaking imagery and unique metaphors, which I'm grown very fond of. Of course, not all the poems should be full of them, especially the ones of this kind that are actually just telling a story.

In those worlds,

they were always the heroines;

they didn't need [s]some[/s] any prince

to find their happy endings.

I switched the "some" to "any" (as you can see), because I think it fits better to the atmosphere you're creating.

Time shaped the girls [I like this line!]

into maidens, who watched

other maidens get swept away

by handsome princes.

This is an alright stanza; it doesn't sweep me away (:D), but the first line saves it.

Together they bemoaned

the lack of good princes

in their world [I smell a perfect place for a reference to the imaginary worlds of their childhood!]

and wondered if they

were destined for loneliness.

It's kind of funny when their attitude changes like this: first they don't need princes, now they "bemoan" the lack of ones. I still think you should explain the sudden change of mind with a couple of words, it doesn't take much.

One day, a prince came

for one maiden.

She shrieked with delight [Shrieked? A little odd word choice for this, though it does connect with the despair of getting a prince.]

and the other rolled her eyes,

knowing what would happen [I was going to nag about the choice of "knowing", but then I realized it actually fits to this.]

and praying that it wouldn't. [This sounds awkward. Would "praying for the opposite" be better or is it completely off the idea?]

Nice twist of events.

The first maiden returned You should somehow mention the passage of time; otherwise it's confusing.]

after her so-called prince

used her body and bruised her heart, [I like the latter metaphor, not very crazy about the first one – too plain]

but somehow she kept running back

every time he called her name. [Oh dear. That maiden should be more assertive! ]

At this I started to have a feeling that maybe the happenings are closer than I thought...

But then a second prince came I don't know why, but this made it sound a little like the princes just popped there from some conveyer or something]

and banished the first one.

He took the maiden's hand

and swore that her heart

would be safe with him.

I would've liked a little more emotion; the maiden must be quite shocked, after all.

They asked the second maiden

for her blessing, which she gave. [These two lines flow well]

But right before he took her friend, [I'd maybe change it to "Right before her friend was gone", just flows a little better.]

she whispered in her ear,

Be careful this time,

it probably won't last.

This was my favourite stanza, I think. I like the bitterness in the end and the flow is there, too.

The first maiden nodded,

but still believed more strongly [This sounds a little off to me. There's something to it that just isn't quite there.]

in a happily-ever-after

as she rode off with her new prince. Some replacement with "prince" would be refreshing, my ears are full of princes. (Not literally )]

The second maiden watched,

her own heart now filled

with bitter loneliness,

and prayed [b]for her prince [She's already prayed for something, why not use another verb this time?

[s]would[/s] to hurry up and save her. [Save her from what? Is there something we don't know? Have you been keeping the details all to yourself?!]

Alrighty. I liked the fairytaley effect on this poem, but toward the end I couldn't thinking whether it was too story-like. You've got stories and then you've got poems – what is it that separates this poem from stories? And yeah, fairytales aren't the most philosophical things in the world, but I still don't feel like I should let you get away with not using any deeper description. And what would you like the reader to feel after reading this poem? What would you like to bring with it? Do you feel you've succeeded? Also, I like the stanzas of a poem to be equal, and in here we had all kinds of lengths, which disturbed me a little. I'd love if they all consisted of the same number of lines. But maybe that's just me.

Anyways, PM me if you didn't get something I said – I can be a little unclear at times. Thanks for the read!

(And the fact that I live in Finland is not an excuse to not be getting cookies!)


Demeter xxx

Hey there, Niteowl!

I liked this. The last verse was poignant yet ironic. My favourite, possibly:

Quote:The second maiden watched,
her own heart now filled
with bitter loneliness,
and prayed her prince
would hurry up and save her.

However, I think you need to elaborate more, flesh it out a bit, make it more beautiful by using description. It seems a bit bare, a bit sparse, for such a lovely story when you could be describing those little details that make a story real. Use more poetic devices to enhance your poem's beauty and meaning.

Choose the right words. It's been said that if a novel is "words in the best order," then a poem is "the best words in the best order." Think of the words you use as building blocks of different sizes and shapes. Some words will fit together perfectly, and some won't. You want to keep working at your poem until you have built a strong structure of words. Use only those words that are necessary, those that enhance the meaning of the poem. Choose your words carefully. The differences between similar sounding words or synonyms can lead to interesting word play.

The key, then, is to replace or enhance abstractions with concrete images, things that you can appreciate with your senses: a rose, a shark, or a crackling fire, for example. The concept of the objective correlative may be useful. An objective correlative is an object, several objects, or a series of events (all concrete things) that evoke the emotion or idea of the poem.

Really powerful poetry not only uses concrete images; it also describes them vividly. Show your readers and listeners what you're talking about--help them to experience the imagery of the poem. Put in some "sensory" handles. These are words that describe the things that you hear, see, taste, touch, and smell, so that the reader can identify with their own experience. Give some examples rather than purely mental/intellectual descriptions. For example: "He made a loud sound" versus "He made a loud sound like a hippo eating 100 stale pecan pies with metal teeth".

Good luck! I like your poetry very much indeed, and sorry for the vague review.

Sarah

I liked this piece. It spoke of the individuality that most women have toward men. I know that in this world woman are often looked down upon as being irrelevant. Women have came to a point in time where having a relationship and being engage to a man is optional. I love how there are independent women in this world, who strive for their own success and define their own lives. We have all been through a struggle, which in one way or another have strengthen us to become the very people we are today. But like you indicated, there are those maidens who wish to be swept off their feet and overwhelmed and taken by love. Sometimes its beautiful and sometimes its not. Your right, women do get used by men and men most of the time don't care after they received whatever gratification they expected. I wish like in your poem that there were more good princes to take women by there hands and show them a love and compassion that is true and real. A lot of people in this world are looking for love and to find that special someone who completes them and makes them whole. Sometimes you can't find that in other people. We look in the wrong places. Most of the time we find love and placement in the talent of our own lives and selves. No one can love us and behold us more then we can ourselves. Until we realize this, the maiden will always be searching for her prince. I loved this piece and hope that you continue to explore your creativity as a writer and poet. Well done and good job!!!

I don't know what it is with me; every time I read a poem with princesses in it, it immediately has a fairy tale flavour to it. Anywho...

The second princess seems a little bitter near the end. I liked it, because it seemed really real. You didn't make it too angsty, which could have been a real danger if you were a lesser author. Good job!