"Mobile Caught"

Hallo, to all the members of YWS.
Basically,I have never written before so please don't be harsh at this moment.

Akki was caught red-handed doing something with mobile during lectures, after that her was punished to kneel down outside the class.Here I've tried to write whatever was going in his mind.

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Outside the class Akki being kneel down watched by students playing in ground. Denying his thoughts to stand still for some time to give rest to painful knees, he continued in kneel down position. He very well knew if in case teacher saw him in standing position, even for a single moment, he would be punished much worse. May be kneeling down in ‘outside principals’ office’ else in ‘open ground’. He wasn’t able to concentrate; his mind again and again wandered back into the class ‘What teacher might be doing with his mobile?’, ‘What if she decides to take me to Principal?’ Then principal will come to know what I was actually doing in class, he will call my parents to let them know my deeds. Being nervous and scared he tried to convenience himself with positive thoughts.

‘No! She won’t go Principal, after all I have good image in front of this teacher, this is my very first mistake, so most probably she will forgive me’ he thought. A warm smile spread across his face, when his mind accepted the thought that she won’t take him to principal.

He couldn’t bear the pain in his knees anymore, so he finally decided to stand up for few moments to give knees relief, taking a risk of being caught by teacher he stood up. But luckily nobody was there,teacher didn’t saw him, from there he watched students playing in ground cheerfully and howling. One of them dodged the ball and threw perfect into the basket.

Again his mind flew back into the class and calmness disappeared in second. Its was more then minute he was in standing position and now he realized what risk he took, wasting no time ho again got back into kneel down position. ‘What if she goes principal after this period and after that…’ sweat started trickling down his forehead; wiped sweat with handkerchief and adjusted himself to comfortable position, the thought made him go hollow all over again.

‘She will not go, if she wanted to take me to the principal then she might have taken me much earlier’ he thought to himself trying convincing himself with positive thought again, but the thought seemed to detract from his clam and came to surface.

‘What if she saw my mobile and the thing which was going on, She will come to know everything, she will know what actually I was doing, after that the image I have in front of teacher will be washed away. A new and puzzling despair overtook him, then she will then count me most stupid student, after all little image was left after being defeated in election that too will get ruined. ‘Jesus Save me!’ tension was on peak he was totally restless thinking and predicting future possibility.




Ding, Ding, Ding …Ding!!

Recess bell rang releasing floods of students from classes. Corridor which had silence moments ago was now full of noises and students, everybody came out of class like it was years ago they have seen recess. Except his class all the classes were empty only few took there lunch sitting within the class. Ghost ma’am still continued her lectures in class, none of students come out of his class.

‘Why ma’am is taking so long? Why long lectures today only?’ thought Akki and again got nervous. Every single passerby in the corridor stared him, being candidate for head boy in school elections, he was suppose to have good image and punishment for was shameful.

“If he’s punished, then even we have right to get punished” one of student passing in corridor said to his friend.

Every single comment was audible to him, but he didn't dared to look up, who so ever gave comment to him. He tired to ignore and continued puttinghis head with shame in down position

“Must be talking in class” said again the same student, trying to give the reason for his punishment to other passing student

“No! No! might not have done homework” replied other student standing nearby and both started laughing and both continued towards canteen ignoring Akki with punishment.

Helpless Akki wasn’t able to do anything. He just tied his fist to show anger towards them. ‘I will show you one day’ Akki thought.

It was usual habit of Tia to wander aimlessly in recess and make boys feel her presence in school. Tia the most infamous girl for scandals and everything, but her beautiful looks made students forget her scandals and bad deeds ,apart from boys every single girl of school knew her.

She was the single girl in whole school, who had guts to propose computer sir with suspension for school for 7 days as punishment. It was before few months back, that this girl proposed her crush Amit Sir, who use to teach them computer weekly.

Watching Akash kneel down Tia was surprised, to confirm she took a closer look and headed straight towards her class to find Priya and inform her about this shocking news. Priya and Akash nobody took there name alone, both best friends since 7th standard. Nobody has every seen Priya taking to other boys of school. Even there was rumor affair was going on between Priya and Akki, but both denied whenever asked.
‘Best-waste-Friend’ that’s what they gave name to their relation.

“Priya, your best friend has got punishment” said Tia catching her breath as she stopped in front of Priya eating her lunch sitting in bench alone int he class.

“What?” asked Priya surprised making O with big mouth bite still inside.

“Yeah! I have seen him kneeling outside the class”

“Are you sure?” she gulped to food without chewing.

“Yes, Damn sure”

Priya was confused to eat the last unfinished sandwich or leave it. Finally she closed her unfinished lunch box and started putting in bag. May be Akash was at much higher priority then lunch, after all she was the only one whom Akki trusted.

“Lunch finished?” asked Tia watching her putting lunch box in bag.

“Later, Akash needs me.”




To be Continued..

Hey, Rockon! I got your PM and I checked out your portfolio and I'm guessing this is what you want me to read, right? Hopefully I will be some help to you.

To start out, I skimmed first your piece and I noticed that you miss words in your sentences. You don't complete your thoughts. So, I'm going to go through and help by correcting them. All those corrections or words you should add will be in bold. Suggestions I will give you will be in red.

Well, here I go!

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Outside the class Akki was being [s]kneel[/s] kelt down while being watched by students playing [s]in[/s] on the grounds. Denying his thoughts to stand still for some time so to give rest to his painful knees, he continued [s]in[/s] to kneel down [s]position[/s]. He very well knew that if [s]in[/s] his case teacher saw him in a standing position, even for a single moment, he would be punished much worse. May be kneeling down in ‘outside principals’ office’ else in ‘open ground’. I'm not sure what you mean by this last sentence. Be sure to clarify what you mean when you write.

He wasn’t able to concentrate; his mind again and again would wander[s]ed[/s] back into the class ‘What the teacher might be doing with his mobile?’, I'm guessing when you say "mobile" you mean "phone" right? Instead of saying mobile, use cell phone so the reader doesn't get confused ‘What if she decides to take me to the Principal?’ Then principal will come to know what I was actually doing in class, he will call my parents to let them know my deeds. Being nervous and scared he tried to convenience himself with positive thoughts.

My advice at this moment is to put all your main character's thoughts in italics because you are speaking in third person so you have to have those in italics as to not confuse the reader

‘No! She won’t go Principal, after all I have good image in front of this teacher, this is my very first mistake, so most probably she will forgive me’ he thought. I'm really confused What is he talking about here? At first, I thought he was talking about himself. Make sure you clarify when you write. A warm smile spread across his face, when his mind accepted the thought that she [s]won’t[/s] wouldn't take him to theprincipal.

He couldn’t bear the pain in his knees anymore, so he finally decided to stand up for a few moments to give his knees some relief, taking a risk of being caught by the teacher [s]he stood up[/s]. But luckily nobody was there,teacher didn’t [s]saw[/s] see him, from there he watched students playing [s]in[/s] out in the grounds cheerfully and howling. One of them dodged the ball and threw it [s]perfect[/s] perfectly into the basket.

Again his mind flew back into the class and calmness disappeared in a second. Its was more then minute he was in standing position and now he realized what risk he took, wasting no time ho again got back into kneel down position. Again, clarify what you are saying here ‘What if she goes principal after this period and after that…’ sweat started trickling down his forehead; he wiped the sweat away with a handkerchief and adjusted himself to a comfortable position, but the thought made him go hollow all over again.

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Okay, I'm going to stop here.

First, I must comment on your sentence structure. I'm not sure if you realize or not but you miss words, or don't keep consistant with your tenses. Instead of saying something like:

‘No! She won’t go Principal, after all I have good image in front of this teacher, this is my very first mistake, so most probably she will forgive me’ he thought.

This is how you should word it:

“No! She wouldn’t dare go to the Principal. After all, she always used to tell me that I was her favorite student. Besides, this is my first mistake, and she’ll more than likely forgive me,” he thought with a smile.

See the difference? This way, you don’t sound so choppy and don’t confuse the reader.

Also, I don’t mean this in all the way harshly, but you have to make the reader want to read this. Right now, all we really know is that he got his phone taken away and is scared to go to the principal’s office. Make it more exciting, you know? Have him running away, or something. Grab the reader’s attention, you know?

And, you have to make your characters real. You have to make them come alive. Right now, all we know about your character is that he is afraid to get in trouble. We don’t even know how old he is. Give us more than what you are now. That way, you can flesh your character out while also making him more believable :wink;

Overall, I think you really just need to work on rewording all your sentences and fleshing out your story by making a more interesting story line. With more editing and tweaking, I believe that you can continue to improve your writing skills

With the Best of Luck!

~ashley