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I wasn't sure of Tv show formatting, but this is the first episode. Please read it, even if it totally pisses you off.
Basically it's a teen show, so the grammar isn't supposed to be exactly perfect.



Episode One.
Scene one.

[Asha walking into big school, looking at a map and schedule while people watch her.]

Asha: (voiceover)Ok, so I was shitting myself. First day at my big new school. All these people looking at me wondering what the hell I was doing here.
[sees well dressed Roxana walk past] Oh, yeah, I was going to fit in real nicely.

[Asha walks into class, takes an empty seat at the front of the classroom. Robert, Gloria and Roxana walk into class together, stare at Asha, then sit down at the back of the classroom on the same table. Rest of class come in and sit down. Becky sits on Asha’s table.]

Becky: Hi, you must be new, I’m Becky!

Asha: Uh, hi, I’m Asha.

Teacher: All right, quiet down. Quiet down. Now, for today’s lesson we will be learning about communism-

Becky: But sir, we have a new student with us! From India!

Asha: I’m not from Ind-

Teacher: Oh I see, new student, hmm, well stand up and introduce yourself.

Asha: Oh well, hi I’m Asha; yeah I’m not from India. I’m from a small town called Redford. So I moved here just this week. And, that’s basically it.

Teacher: Fascinating. Now if I could gauge what you already know about communism, we could start the lesson. Could someone please tell me something about it?

Becky: We’ve got to fight them!

Student 1: Hitler was a communist!

Student 2: So was Marx!

Teacher: Ah, you bring up a good point at last. Karl Marx, author of the communist manifesto. But many people would argue that he wasn’t a true communist, or even a true Marxist! But communism is hard to define. Robert, do you have anything to say on the subject?

[Gloria and Roxana glance at Robert.]

Robert: Would that be the theoretical definition or the realistic one?

Teacher: We’ll try the theory first.

Robert: A utopian ideal. Everyone owns everything and uses it for the good of their society. You work for the good of everyone, not just yourself. No power. No poverty. No pain. The opposite of capitalism.

Teacher: But that “ideal” doesn’t work in society. Does it Asha?

[Asha looks startled at his jump from him to her.]

Asha: Not usually sir. Communism is usually used as an excuse to form an oligarchy. But it depends how you define working. I don’t believe it has been effectively implemented...maybe a country of truly selfless people could do it.

[Class stares at her.]

Asha: Oh, oh, I’m sorry sir. I didn’t mean it. I just didn’t think. It was just a theoretical discussion!

Teacher: It’s all right. No-one should be afraid to express their opinions in my classroom. Except me. [laughs] Now, open your textbooks to...


End scene.



Robert, Gloria Roxanne and Johnny (jock) sitting at a table in the cafeteria.

Johnny: Hey, hey, Bobby, how come you’re so good with the chicks huh? Do their homework for them?

Robert: Ah, Fuck off, Johnny.

Roxana: Yeah, go be obnoxious to that vending machine over there. Bet it’d really appreciate you’re attention. Actually, better try the wall.

[Johnny leaves.]

Gloria: So what we are going to do about Asha?

Robert: Nothing.

Gloria: You didn’t feel it? You know she’s one of us.

Robert: I know. If we ignore her she’ll come to us.

Roxana: She’ll come to us anyway. You just want to play with her.

Robert: Nah, I’m just lazy. We can get her at the Party tomorrow night. It’ll be easier.

Roxana: Lazy my arse, Mr Straight “A”s.

Gloria: Maybe we should wait till Zen gets back.

Robert: Nah, it’ll be cool. Now which one of you lovely ladies is going to be my escort to the party?

[Both glare at him.]

Robert: Have it your way, I’ll take you both. I just didn’t want you two looking slutty, that’s all. Geez, I try to be a gentleman...

Roxana: How about I escort you to gym class and Gloria escorts you the party? I’m sure I can rustle up a date for myself.

Robert: Fine, fine. Gloria, you haven’t considered wearing that little red skirt of yours have you...it’s quite fetching.

Gloria: Oh, shut it, Robert. You’re getting way too many perks from this.

[Bell goes.]

Roxana: Come on, I’ll escort you to your daily torture session.

End scene.


Asha walking with Becky to her lunch table
Still standing, Becky starts introductions.

Becky: Hey gang, this is Asha. She’s new. This is Paul, this Lisa, this is Blaine, this is Kerry and this is Alisha. She’s not really used to this town yet, but I’m sure she’ll fit just fine. What do you reckon, can she sit with us?

Kerry: As the president of the student counsel, I speak for all of us and say you’re welcome in our group!

Asha voiceover: Oh goodie. I’m a fucking student counsel member and I haven’t even had lunch yet.

Becky: Well sit down then!

[Both sit down.]

Blaine: So, Becky you going with anyone to Paul’s party tomorrow night?

Becky: I don’t know, haven’t got any offers yet, you know?

Blaine: What about you Asha, [puts his arm around her] seen anybody to catch your eye yet?

Asha: Well I only just got here...I haven’t heard about a party yet either.

Blaine: Paul, what the hell man? Did you invite any chicks to this party?

Becky: I’m sure it’ll be no problem if you come. Why don’t you come over to my house and you can borrow some clothes?

Asha: Ah, yeah, sure that sounds nice. I got to go to the bathroom. See you after school then Becky?

Becky: Yeah just meet me out the front.

[Asha gets up and goes and finds the bathroom. Cut to her leaving the stall and seeing Roxana fixing her make up in the mirror.
Asha washes her hands, takes out her lip-gloss from her bag, staring at the amount of make up Roxana’s putting on.]

Roxana: What? Do I have something on my face?

Asha: Well, you’ve got a lot of something’s on your face actually.

Roxana: Oh yeah, well beauty doesn’t happen by accident, you know.

Asha: I don’t think you need to wear so much makeup.

Roxana: Who fucking made you queen of the mirror? It makes me look older. Whatever. You going to Paul’s party?

Asha: Why is everyone so obsessed with this party? Do you guys only do this sort of thing annually or something?

Roxana: Honey, you haven’t been to a party till you’ve been to a party in this city.

[Roxana goes to walk out. Turns back]

Roxana: Oh and drop the “you guys” shit. You’re one of us now.

[Roxana walks out.]

End scene

Gloria and Robert sitting on a couch. Robert’s reading a book and Gloria’s looking over his shoulder, leaning on him.

Gloria: What you reading?

Robert: Rebecca.
[without looking up]

Gloria: What’s it about?

Robert: This dead chick called Rebecca. You’d probably like it. It’s pretty chick-lit, really.

Gloria: Cool.

[Roxana walks in and smiles.]

Roxana: What are you waggers doing? Snuggling on the couch?

Robert: We’re waiting to go see the counsellor. Which, I assume, is what you’re doing?

Roxana: Yeah, I just wanted to get out of class really...What are you here for, couple’s counselling?

Gloria: You can be a real bitch sometimes, Rox.

Roxana: You love me anyway. So, guess who I was just talking to?

Gloria: Zen? Is he coming back early?

Roxana: No, not Zen. He’s not back till Saturday. It’s hard for all of us, okay? Stop mentioning him. No. I was talking to our new friend.

Robert: Asha? But I thought we were going to ignore her. It’s easier that way.

Gloria: You didn’t tell her anything did you?

Roxana: Nah, just got the Goss. She’s coming to Paul’s party.

Gloria: Seems to make friends easily.

Robert: And she’ll lose them just as easily, too. We’ll do it at Paul’s party.

Roxana: What, in front of everyone?

Robert: No, we’ll take her upstairs. No-one will hear anything and who cares if they do? It’s a party. No-one will notice.

Gloria: But we better ignore her till then. She might get suspicious.

Roxana: Listen to you two, you’re like the mafia. Asha doesn’t have a clue what’s going on.

Robert: Let’s keep it that way.

[counsellor opens the door.]
Counsellor: Robert Kempsey, you’re next. Please come in.

[Robert goes in and closes the door behind him]

[Roxana leans over to Gloria]

Roxana: So, you into Robert?

Gloria: No, no, no. That’s not even allowed. But no.

Roxana: Not allowed? I don’t see what possible harm it could cause.

Gloria: In the short term, none. Long term: painful consequences. For all of us. So don’t even think about it.

Roxana: Okay, so who would you go to the party with, if not Robert?

Gloria: Oh, I dunno, maybe Lonnie Silverman.

Roxana: The drug dealer? Oh my, I am having a bad influence on you.

[The two girls start laughing.]

Gloria: This school’s really fucked up isn’t it? I mean, look at us. All hanging round the counsellor’s office. Who knows what we could be doing? Anything. We could do anything we want in the world. But we’re stuck here.

Roxana: I know its shit, but we have each other. And even if you do go out with Lonnie and get busted for smoking substandard weed, we’ll always be there, okay. Our time will come. Just enjoy being in high school.

Gloria: But what about next year?

Roxana: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

[The girls hug]
End scene.



[Asha walks out of class, sees Roxana and smiles at her. Roxana ignores her and goes off to find Gloria.]
[Asha goes and sits down on a bench at the front of the school]

Asha voiceover: I ‘spose for a first day, it’d could of been worse. It’s not like I had my head flushed down the toilet or anything.

[Becky and Alisha come along]

Becky: Oh, hi Asha. Hope you don’t mind but I invited Alisha over too. Figured we could work on your make up too.

Alisha: Yeah, I have some colours that’d totally pop on your skin tone.

Asha: That’s great. So how do you guys get home?

Becky: My mum’s coming to pick me up. But we got to get to car park, I so don’t want her to get out the car.

[Alisha laughs]

Becky: So let’s go now, okay?

[The girls go off to the car park]
End scene.

[Alisha, Asha and Becky are trying on clothes. Becky pulls her top off and Asha looks embarrased.]

Alisha: You should totally try this on. [holds up purple strapless top] it’s so cute.

Asha: If you say so. [turns away awkwardly and puts the new top on, turns back around to see the girls watching her]

Becky: It’s okay on you. But I was kind of planning to wear it.

Asha: Well, that’s fine, I didn’t really like it anyway.

Alisha: So you think it’s ugly?

Asha: No...Just meant it didn’t suit me.

Becky: Try this. [Hands over loose black dress]

[Asha tries it on with less embarrassment than before]

Alisha: Oh my God, that’ll look totally cute with this turquoise waist belt! [shoves it on her]. Wow, totally chic!

[Asha looks in the mirror]

Asha: Yeah I like it, actually.

Becky: That’s cool. Now we have to do makeup!

[Becky walks out the room]

Alisha: Do you like Becky, Asha?

Asha: Well she’s been very nice to me, welcoming me and all that.

Alisha: Yeah, she’s a real gem. I probably wouldn’t have talked to you if you weren’t hanging out with her. But we’re going to be heaps tight friends now! And this party is going to be awesome. But I got to warn you about something.

Asha: What?

Alisha: Well, Becky can be kind of jealous sometimes. So if she likes a guy, don’t flirt with him. Just stay away.

Asha: Well who’s she like?

Alisha: Right now she likes Blaine. So don’t get with him, okay?

Asha: I’ll try to restrain myself.

Alisha: Cool. But don’t say I told you this, okay?

Asha: Don’t worry, I won’t. [Rolls eyes].

[Becky comes back]

Becky: Hey, I stole some of my mum’s makeup! Let’s try it out!
[Becky grabs a big powder puff and splodges it on Asha, Asha grabs a lipstick and draws on Alisha’s face. Fade out.]

End Scene. `

[Science class. The students are sitting on stools around benches. Asha, Alisha, Becky and Blaine are all at one table. A bench across the room from them is empty, but all the others are full. Asha is heating a test tube over the Bunsen burner while Baine watches and the other two girls chat]

Becky: Look who’s missing from class today.
[looks to the empty desk]

Asha: Who sits there?

Alisha: Roxana and her “crew”.

Blaine: They’re probably buying drugs for the party.

Asha: What?

Becky: Don’t worry sweetie. They are into some freaky shit, but there won’t be any drugs at the party. Right Blaine?

Blaine: Yeah.

Asha: Can you right this down for me? Temperature has risen by 5 degrees in 2 minutes. Appearance: Frothy.

[Blaine writes it in his book]
Blaine: You’re really good at science, Asha. Maybe you could help me out with my homework sometime.

Becky: Please. Asha is not some nerd who’ll do your homework for you.

Alisha: Yeah, don’t waste your rugged charms on her!

Blaine: So who should I waste them on?

[leans towards her and knocks a beaker over. Liquid comes out of it and onto his shirt]

Blaine: Ah! It’s acid! It’s acid!

[ Becky grabs the hose and sprays him with water]

Asha: I thought it was just water in that beaker.

[Blaine grabs the hose off Becky and starts spraying water over all of them]
[Laughter ensues]
End scene.

[Asha arrives at the party. Music’s pumping, everyone dancing or drinking. Becky’s grinding on Blaine. Alisha comes up to Asha with two drinks in her hands]

Alisha: Hey! How you doing? You look fine! You want a drink?
[Hands her the drink]
Alisha: Drink this then come dance with me. Love ya!

[Asha downs the drink in one]
Asha voiceover: Sometimes you just got to say, what the fuck, right? Just got to remember not to dance around in my underwear.

[Asha goes over to the group and starts dancing with Alisha and the throng of people around her sultrily]
[Robert enters the room and stares at Asha till she meets his eye. He beckons her to come with him with his hand. Asha leaves the dance floor and follows him. He goes up into a bedroom upstairs and she follows, but its dark inside.]

Asha: Hi.

Robert: Hi. Don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you.

Asha: Oh. Just because I came in here doesn’t mean that..

Robert: Nothing of the sort. I merely thought you were tired and needed to lie down. You are tired, aren’t you?

Asha: Yes, actually, I am pretty tired. [Asha lies down on the bed, unable to stay awake and closes her eyes] [Robert turns on the light to reveal Gloria and Roxana standing there.]

Robert: All right, she’s asleep now. Get the knife.
[Gloria takes out a knife from her handbag and lowers it towards Asha]
[Asha’s eyes flick open and she screams and pushes Gloria’s hand away from her and runs out the room screaming]

Asha: Aaaah! Oh my God! They tried to kill me! I went up the bedroom and they’re trying to get me!

Becky: What the hell Asha? Are you on drugs?

Asha: They drugged me. I didn’t want to get on the bed. You drugged me, Alisha!

Alisha: No I didn’t.

Asha: You’re all out to get me. I’ve got to get out of here.

Becky: Just leave then!

[Asha runs out the door]

[Roxana, Robert and Gloria are sitting on the bed, looking distressed]

Roxana: Well we really fucked this one up, didn’t we?

Robert: I didn’t want her to wake up, did you guys? Now she’ll never come near us again. We won’t get another chance like this.

Gloria: She was stronger than we thought. It’s not our fault. We just got to make sure she doesn’t tell anyone.

Robert: Who would believe her? They probably think she was too off her face to know what was going on.

Roxana: You better hope so. If anyone would down for this it’d be you.

Robert: Thinking of turning me in? If I go down, we all got down, remember?

Gloria: Besides, I had the knife. All Robert did was lure her here.

Roxana: It doesn’t matter. That was our only hope.

[long silence, followed by Gloria’s muffled laughter]
[Roxana and Robert stare at her]

Gloria: No, there is another.
[Gloria collapses into giggles while Roxana and Robert smile at first, then start to giggle. Then they are all full-blown laughing]

Gloria: Okay, we better get back the party now.

Robert: Yeah, think Alisha’s got a thing for me. [Licks his fingers then smooths his eyebrows with them]

Roxana: Well if she didn’t before, she certainly will now.
[They all laugh and walk out of the room]

End Scene.

[Asha, lying on the floor of her bedroom, listening to some music, breathing heavily]

Asha voiceover: Okay, I need to calm down. That was so weird. My God, everyone must think I’m a psycho! They must have drugged me, or something. Robert...Robert. I don’t know why I went to him. He had a power over me. Had we ever even spoken before? I just followed him. What was I expecting to happen? I fell asleep and then Gloria was over me with a knife! And Roxana. How long had I been sleeping? I can’t go to school tomorrow. I should just never go back. Tell mum and dad I can’t stay here, that it’s got bad educational values or some shit. I have to leave.
[Asha leans back on her bedroom floor and closes her eyes, listening to the end of the song.]
End Scene.

Robert outside of Paul’s house, talking on his mobile phone.

Robert: I’ve got some bad news.

[phone voice undecipherable]

Robert: You might have to come back early. We messed things up last night. She woke up, saw the knife and flipped out. She’s not going to talk to us ever again.

[voice on phone]

Robert: Okay, we messed up. All of us. Look, you knew before I even got to the phone something was wrong. It could’ve been worse.

[phone voice]

Robert: So you can do it. She doesn’t know you. We made a mistake not talking to her. Talk to her. You’ve got to come back early.

[voice on phone]

Robert: Yeah, you do that [smiles]

[phone voice, short]

Robert: Ha-ha, love you too.
[hangs up]

End episode.




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Okay, so I'll say from the outset that I didn't enjoy this.

First off, grammar, spelling and punctuation are of paramount important in any piece of literature, fiction or otherwise, regardless of format or genre. The only time you can get away without it is via poetry. This is for teens, yes, I get it but it's not going to be read by them but (hypothetically, of course) by TV executives, producers and editors and as a matter of course, they will dump it straight in the bin, as soon as they see the aforementioned errors.

I am not kidding or over exaggerating in the slightest. I have been taught by various television writers and experienced individuals within the industry, at UTS, and if your script isn't up to professional standards it will be dropped. If it even looks wonky - in terms of format - they will dump it without reading it. They simply don't have the time to go through every piece, especially when its obvious the author in question hasn't taken the time or effort to see that their script meets industry standards. So don't ever try to fob off typos and the like - its okay here, but in real life, you must make sure everything looks perfect!

Okay? And while we're on the practical issue of the realities about television writing and production, I have to mention the themes and expletives you've used. You say this is a teen show - as soon as you used the word 'fuck' it immediately became something else, jumped up at least two rating levels and several hours into the 11pm + hour zone. The reality is that this won't be marketed as a teen program (if it is at all) and so won't reach the intended audience, effectively rendering it a failure. These are things you will have to consider when writing for television or film.

While we're on the genre, or tone of the film, I have to say that I didn't believe it was a teen show. It didn't sound like a teen show, they didn't speak like teens (at some stages, it came off as kinda believable) but mostly they're too hard, too old-seeming and beyond that, just downright unusual. Part of the issue I have with the tone probably lies in the fact that we get no indication of how old the characters are or what they look like (general character descriptions are usually put inside the big print [the description or action] when a character is introduced. eg. SHARON - 18, spunky white goth wearing an assortment of mismatched clothes, sits nexts to BOB - 18, a typical "jock" - )

When characters are introduced, their names should be in caps, just so you know. So, without those key indicators, basically it was like reading a whacky version of Neighbours. Completely disorienting of course. Another issue I have with this is that the exact genre of the show seems to be undefined - that's fine, you may say, its universal! - but in fact its not and there are a number of reasons why. Firstly, no genre, no market. Secondly, I think it shows that you're unsure of exactly what effect you're going for - it starts off as a normal seeming teen show, that is to say, before the characters all start mouthing off, have odd reactions and make strange decisions ---- (the new girl in town randomly agrees to go over some girl's house that she's never met before? On her first day? To play dress up and prepare for a party she just heard about, held by a guy she doesn't know, filled with people who just met her? And which she has already heard will probably have drugs?) ---

that ultimately results in a bizarre attempted cult induction/sacrifice?

There are too many disconnected, slap-dash elements thrown in for no apparent reason. What effect are you going for? Comedy? It's not funny, Horror? It's not scary. Drama? Possibly the closest one - once you decide or know for show which of these you're aiming for, I will better know what is acceptable and what isn't, what hits the spot and what misses.

Asha: Not usually sir. Communism is usually used as an excuse to form an oligarchy. But it depends how you define working. I don’t believe it has been effectively implemented...maybe a country of truly selfless people could do it.

[Class stares at her.]

Asha: Oh, oh, I’m sorry sir. I didn’t mean it. I just didn’t think. It was just a theoretical discussion!


This is one of the moments that is odd and unrealistic, I think. The narrators voice, prior to this, led me to believe that she was much younger. You see the problems lack of character indicators can lead to? Student 1 and Student 2's dialogue seem to also indicate that the age of the characters is young. Unless they're just stupid but from the way the class reacts to both Asha's and Roberts responses, its clear to me that they are all at, say, 15.

Again, you need to give us some insight as to how old they are, what class their in, and even a more solid description of the setting. But the reason I pointed the above quote out is twofold - firstly, usually in these cases when someone acts or says something unbelievable or out of character, other characters will take note - almost as a subconscious way of telling yourself this isn't working. Why the hell is she defending herself for answering a question the teacher asked her? Unless of course, this is a futuristic story and the country this is taking place in is ruled be a Communist regime, that response is completely bewildering.

Basically, my advice is this:

1) Get a clearer idea of what this show is meant to be - comedy, drama, horror, etc and make sure that this is reflected in the writing.
2) Once you've done that, think about your target audience real hard; you'll know what's appropriate, what's allowed and what you can get away with once you do
3) Research the proper television writing format and get a better idea of what's expected in a tv series, both in general, and in pilots. A helpful way of doing this would be by reading the scripted versions of some of your favourite shows
4) Do some more work on your characters, iron out their dialogue and reactions. Consider shortening the cast in the first episode - its a bit chaotic at the moment.
5) Simplify. You try to do too much, too quickly. Set a basic goal for each episode - eg. set up main characters, est. setting and tone. Asha makes some new friends and goes to a party. -

Well, that's about all I can think of right now. Don't be disheartened by this. We never get it right the first time around, or the second, or even the third. It takes a long time of practice and TV/Film scripts, along with theatre, are in my opinion, the hardest mediums to write for. They appear deceptively easy but its quite hard and will take extended practice and study to get the hang of.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Thank you very much! Best constructive critism I have had on this site so far :)
But, about the language, I mean, teens talk that way! Have you seen the show skins? I know it's not shown on tv all the time but It just doesn't seem real for them not to swear. Should I remove it completely? Either way, you've really helped me.




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Well, it depends on the tone of the piece. I mentioned the swearing - not only so you would be aware of the realities about programming hours, censoring and ratings - but because it seemed out of place.

It jarred.

Mostly, its the narration, I think. Had me thinking of Gossip Girl/Veronica Mars (beware falling into what is fast becoming an overused device in the television format) and basically, a ditzy teen flick -- nowhere near the gritty realism you see in Skins (which sorta proves my point in that its rarely shown on TV here; not mainstream in the slightest --although it differs depending on the country -- and is only on SBS, late at night.

You can't just have elements of gritty realism, you understand. Everything has to gel together - the characters, the way they speak, interact, dress, where they go, what they do, etc. So merely putting in 'fuck' - and you're right, teens do swear, I do everyday - doesn't give you realism in a stylised setting, it just jars. Be aware of that effect, is what I'm saying.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko



If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb