Young Love

Not sure what category this goes into, so I'll just stick it in here.. This is my first poem in 3 months, so I'm a bit rusty. All reviews are much appreciated, feel free to rip it to shreds.


Young Love


You say that you love her,
Can't live without her,
She's 'funny, smart, and pretty,"
How utterly generic.
Did I say that?
I meant sweet, you two are perfect!
Two halves of a whole,
(whole lotta drama...)
Just what was her ex doing at her house?
Studying? Of course, what else would they do!
You two went to that new resteraunt?
How cute, ordered off the kid's menu, I suppose?
As you're too cheap to pay for her salad.
Too bad you can't afford a car,
but really,hanging at the Giant
is totally cool,
romantic, even.
Good thing she looks 18,
how else would you get your cigarretes?

After a while, she gets on your nerves,
"Too needy, self-centered, always wants me to call her!"
To call her! absurd, what girl would want that!
'You broke up? Oh so sorry to hear, well dont worry,
There are other fishies in the sea!'
She spends weeks moping,
her little heart broken!
You, meanwhile, get a date next weekend,
good to see you're feeling better.
Ah young love, how pure, how true.


I wrote this in study hall, it's written as a single person's perspective of love and how much it sucks when you're not in it. Review! Please and Thank You!

i really like some of the lines of this, but i think its more suited to prose than poetry because of all the dialogue. the general feel of it is more prosey.

Definitely prosey.

I liked it - it was like a smack to the face of young lovers everywhere.
A bit rough; and a little too long. Needs a bit of slicing and polishing.
Insanely truthful, though.

Good to see that someone is keeping her head.
I wish I had just stayed on the outside.
Oh well.

yeah its prose definintely.

well sorry, i hate to be mean and critical..

but i really didn't like the way you titled your poem young love..

but then you ripped it to pieces.. it lured me into a false sense of security..

if thats what you were aiming for, good?


this may also be your style v mine, but it was a little too casual with the language, rhyme, rhythm and tone.

it seemed like you had just written what you wanted to scream at someone.. and it was too informal for me.

keep trying though.. look forward to hearing some more of you.

I'm not sure.

It isn't good for me. No offense. I don't like it at all.

It is too sloppy and maybe it will make a good song.
I just feel that you need to spend time with a poem. Make sure it makes sense. Is abstract sometimes and gets to a conclusion.

This is actually more of a narrative poem.
The beginning didn't do it for me. It was (SORRY) bad from the start for me.

Two halves of a whole,
(whole lotta drama...)

Don't add an ellipse. It isn't necessary for this line. This wasn't good. You could've been more creative or you could still use the idea. Just write it differently and more exciting.

The more and more I read it, the more it sounds like a poetic monologue or something...

'You broke up? Oh so sorry to hear, well [s]dont[/s](don't) worry,

This was really more of a stereotype kind of story. You really brought out the blond and the player.

I feel that this has to be re-written, because...it doesn't feel like a poem. More like a monologue or something like that. If you don't want to write it over, then focus on making it more into a short story or dialogue or something like that.

Yeah, you know, after I reread it a few dozen times, I get what you need. I was letting off some steam...Thanks for being honest though! This will go in the 'Work On' Pile. And yes, I actually have labled piles. I'm kind of a dork...