Forever chapter 4

I could see his face a little better without the hood over his head.
He had brownish bronze colored hair. His skin was a light tanish color, not white but not tan, somewhere in between.
His features were flawless. Well to me. His eyes focused on me for half a second then quickly flickered away. I guess realizing I was also staring at him. There were dark spots under his eyes. I followed his gesture avoiding my eyes from him.
Erica was looking at me, her eyebrows raised.
"What?" I asked taking a bite of my salad.
"I saw you looking at him." She said with a half smile on her face. I looked down to hide my blushing.
"What-what are you talking about?" I stammered still looking down.
"You were looking at Zane Dawson" She informed me.
"Who's Zane Dawson?" I asked stupidly.
"Oh C'mon Bella don't play dumb!" she said irritated. Well what if I wanted to play dumb? It's not my fault that jerk bumped into me even though he's well. Gorgeous. Well he was. His beautiful skin. His face was nothing but perfect!
Erica was waiting for my answer she was probably waiting for me to make another dumb remark, but I decided to come clean.
"Alright," I sighed. She smiled. "Who is he anyway?" I asked stealing a peek from the corner of my eye, he wasn't looking. I sighed again.
"Zane Dawson is the hottie of the school." she paused holding her apple away form her mouth , twisting it.
"OK I kind of got that." I said. "He looks so-" I tried to find the right words to say. "Depressed.". I finished.
She nodded taking another bite and swallowing it, she leaned forward. She sighed then opened her mouth to speak. "Over the summer Zane's ten year old sister, Lauren, drowned. He was supposed to be watching her but he was out with his friends, He's been like that ever since. He used to be happy and a bright guy but he thinks it's his fault. He doesn't talk to anyone anymore he's like that everyday." She finished.
"That's- that's horrible." I said. I didn't care if he saw that I was looking at him. To my surprise he was looking at me too. I could finally see his eyes they were green, not any green, bright green, like lime. The sorrow in them scared me a little.
I didn't know how long we stared at each other, All I knew is that the bell rang and everybody got up. He averted his eyes from me getting up and leaving.
"Bella, Bella." I blinked a couple of times to see a hand waving in front of my face I looked at her. "Lets go." she motioned. The others looked at me, I got up.
"Whats the mater with you?" Erica asked.
"Nothing." I lied. She looked unconvinced but let it go. The day dragged on slowly after.
The last period bell rang, I went to history. To my relief, Mr. Zard didn't make me humiliate myself. I sat down with Erica she was blabbering about Alex when Zane walked in. I stopped breathing, inhaling deeply. He was in my history class. I couldn't help but turn to look at him.
I saw his eyes look at me, I turned my head a quickly as possible.
"OK class today we'll be talking about Mount Pavlof." Mr. Zard announced
Everyone groaned.
He ignored them. "Miss Stewart," He said. I turned my head to look at him, "I'm guessing you know nothing about Mount Pavlof?" He asked. What did he think? There's millions of mountains here why just point out one?!
I shook my head.
He nodded.
"Mount Pavlof is the most active volcano in all Alaska." He announced. I looked at the corner of my eye, he was looking at me. His hand holding his head. He wasn't smiling but he wasn't frowning either.
My stomach immediately filled with butterflies.
" Mr. Dawson, since your paying attention why don't you tell us how many feet Mount Pavlof is?" He asked.
"Three-hundred feet." He answered not changing his position, or eve looking away from me.
Mr. Zard nodded.
Why was he staring at me? I mean I've seen plenty of boys stare at me but he showed no emotion. something touched my arm. I look ed down Erica folded a piece of paper sliding it under my arm. It read:
Oh my god. Zane Dawson is staring at you! I can't believe it! He never looks like that! He looks almost... happy!
I looked at it for a moment not knowing what to put so I put:
Well that's good
I pushed It back to her. I was really excited. I didn't know how to stop my heart form doing millions of somersaults. She pushed it back to me. It read:
Your not excited?
I hesitated a moment.
I am
I slid it back to her.
she had no idea I thought to myself.

Hi Dreamer. I read the PM saying that you posted this chapter so I figured I may as well go ahead and review it. I'll read your other chapters later. The end of the review, in the Overall Comments, I'm somewhat brutal, but a lot of that is because I have to go down to my bus stop in a few minutes.

"I saw you looking at him"

Period after Him.

"You were looking at Zane Dawson"

Period after Dawson.

"Oh C'mon Bella don't play dumb!" she said irritated.

"Oh, c'mon Bella, don't play dumb!" The S in She needs to be capitalized.

"Alright"

Comma after Alright because she's not done talking.

I asked stealing a peek from the corner of my eye, he wasn't looking.

I think you're missing a word here. What about "I asked, stealing a peek out of the corner of my eye, and saw that he wasn't looking."?

"Zane Dawson is the hottie of the school"

Period after School.

"OK I kind of got that"

"Okay, I kind of got that,"

"Depressed".

Punctation always goes before the ending quotations.

She nodded taking another bite and swallowing it, she leaned forward.

She nodded, taking another bite, swallowing it, and leaning forward.

He doesn't talk to anyone anymore he's like that everyday"

He doesn't talk to anyone anymore and he's like that everyday."

I didn't know how long we stared at each other,

Period at the end instead of a comma because it's the end of the sentence.

"Bella, Bella"

"Bella, Bella,"

I blinked a couple of times to see a hand waving in front of my face

Period at the end.

"Lets go Bella" she motioned.

"Let's go." She motioned.
(The reason I took out Bella was because she used it so many times already.)

The others looked at me, I got up.

The others looked at me so I got up.

"Whats the mater with you?"

"What's the matter with you?"

"nothing"

"Nothing."

The last period bell rang, I went to history.

When the last period bell rang, I went to history.

I sat down with Erica she was blabbering about Alex when Zane walked in.

I sat down with Erica and she was blabbering about Alex when Zane walked in.

I couldn't help but turn to look at him.

How else could she have seen him come in if she hadn't looked at him?

I saw his eyes look at me, I turned my head a quickly as possible.

I saw his eyes turn to look at me so I turned my head as quickly as possible.

"OK class today we'll be talking about Mount Pavlof"

"Okay, class, today we'll be talking about Mount Pavlof."

What did he think? There's millions of mountains here why just point out one?!

Use italics because she's thinking all of this.

"Mount Pavlof is the most active volcano in all Alaska"

Period after Alaska.

I looked at the corner of my eye, he was looking at me.

I looked out of the corner of my eye and noticed that he was looking at me.

" Mr. Dawson, since your paying attention why don't you tell us how many feet Mount Pavlof is?" He asked.

Wrong form of Your. It should be You're.

"Three-hundred feet" He answered not changing his position, or eve looking away from me.

Period after Feet and Eve should be Even.

I look ed down Erica folded a piece of paper sliding it under my arm.

looked

Well that's good

Well, that's good.

Your not excited?

You're no excited?

she had no idea I thought to myself.

She had no idea. I though to myself.

Overall comments/suggestions

Grammar:
It wasn't all that good, especially with dialogue. Rememeber that punctation in dialogue comes before the ending quotations and there are no acceptions.
You switched tenses a lot. Try to stick with one tense.
There were too many run on sentences; too many commas when there needed to be periods. Rememeber that a comma is used only when there's a slight pause and/or in place of And if there's more than two objects. You didn't use any semi-colons but remember that semi-colons are only used to combine two sentences together.
There were a few instances where you used the wrong form of a word, like with Your. Always rememeber that Your means yours (belonging to you) and You're means You Are.

Everything else
The whole plot of the story is cliched. Although I like it, try to work on making it more than just a normal-girl-meets-troubled-boy-so-she-helps-them-and-they-fall-in-love kind of story.
The main character and her best friend seem like immature teen girls, which I know most teen girls are, but they need depth. Saying that the MC feels sorry for Zane is hardly deepth; it's sympathy.
You talked about how Zane has flawless features. Think of it in terms of relatity. There's not a flawless featured person out there, although you'll hear in magazines and everything that there are. Most of those "flawless" people wear a lot of makeup to cover up whatever isn't "flawless" about them. Make Zane human and give him some flaws in his features. That way, the MC can gain deepth too, if she loves him not only for him but for his flaws too.

Always look over your work before you post it; you can avoid a lot of simple typos that way.

As always, PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter

very good, a bit less twilight ish, but hey wgat ones of us dont rely on the books we admire. Well bella stwert huh? Nothing a bit more diffrent from swan crossed your mind? Like Maby Bella Thomas or Bella Towle or Bella Kostova? Well also I was confused, she was at the grosery store and then at school refering to the grocery store as if it had heppnened only momnets ago. The dark shaddows under his eyes. brushing twilight a bit closely. . . . .and slutty, drooling over boys 'friend' also seems a bit close to jesica. Well besides that you write very well and I need to know what happens.

Helllooooo Okay so practice....owie!!!! haha My feet are killing me!! ahahaa...anyy whooo I read this before practice and i was like awhghdghghdk she stopped writing grrrr haha okay but i have a few pointers and grammar thingies that i'd like to point out for you...just cuz haha. And im sorry that its really really long. okay here I go.

His skin was a light tanish color, not white but not tan, somewhere in between.

You kind of contradicted yourself here. You said he was tanish...then not tan haha Reword it a bit like His fair skin was somewhere in between white and tan. Isn't it always like dark out in Alaska? like half the year?....random trivia moment there haha
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His features were flawless. Well to me.

He's human....grr those flawless human boys haha...okay instead of a period put a comma because this is one sentence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His eyes focused on me for half a second then quickly flickered away. I guess realizing I was also staring at him.

I think you can actually combine these sentences some like His eyes focused on me for half a second then quickly flickered away, realizing that i was also staring at him. would work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were dark spots under his eyes. I followed his gesture avoiding my eyes from him.

Two things. Make a point that she probably thinks it's because of lack of sleep. Dont want to be too much like twilight....i never understood why the purple circles went away...is it because like feeding gives them life and like that represents sleep? Gee, I'm getting waaaayyy of topic here haha. Also he didn't give her a gesture, say you mimiced his actions...or something along those lines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What?" I asked taking a bite of my salad.

Comma after asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What-what are you talking about?" I stammered still looking down.

Comma after stammared
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You were looking at Zane Dawson" She informed me.

....Where did you come up with Zane????? Serisouly, if I ever meet a Zane I will automatically like befreind him...that is such an...orignial name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh C'mon Bella don't play dumb!" she said irritated.

Comma after said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's not my fault that jerk bumped into me even though he's well. Gorgeous

.
Again, here you dont need to make 'gorgeous' a sentence...just replace the period with a comma
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well he was

.
Yeah this too....i think you should take this part out completely...we get that he is abnormally hot for a human....quit rubbing it in!! haha
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erica was waiting for my answer she was probably waiting for me to make another dumb remark, but I decided to come clean.

I think you forgot a period after answer..this is two sentences not one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I asked stealing a peek from the corner of my eye, he wasn't looking. I sighed again.

Comma after asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"OK I kind of got that." I said.

Comma after that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He doesn't talk to anyone anymore he's like that everyday." She finished.

I think there should be a comma after everyday. Also, split up this sentence either with a comma or a period.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay random moment here but my friend just told me that he is totally crushing on my best friend GAHHH!!
Okay thats over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To my surprise he was looking at me too.

Comma after surprise for dramatic pause-ness....only because we are cool like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I could finally see his eyes they were green, not any green, bright green, like lime

I'd just reword this sentence to something like I could finally see his bright lime-green eyes. yeah, it flows a little better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't know how long we stared at each other, All I knew is that the bell rang and everybody got up.

this is kind of choppy. for one your 'A' is capitlized and...wouldnt she be kind of creeped out that hes just looking at her...i hate when people just look at you...it makes you sooo self concious..haha
~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Lets go." she motioned.

Comma after go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Nothing." I lied.

Comma after nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She looked unconvinced but let it go. The day dragged on slowly after.

This doesn't really flow well. The last sentence should be reworded to something like After that, the day slowly dragged on. or something like that i dunno.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
.

I sat down with Erica she was blabbering about Alex when Zane walked in.

Comma after Erica...or put 'While she was blabbering' and then comma after Alex.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stopped breathing, inhaling deeply.

You contridicted yourself again here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay so we've got a few mistakes here....nothing huge. It's still kind of following the cliche new girl meets hard core bad boy. haha. But thats okay, im a sucker for those types of things.

pm me when you post the next part.

Wow. I absolutely loved that Chapter. It is now my new favorite Chapter. I think you did amazingly on this chapter. It is sad =[ When is Chapter five coming out, I'd loveto read it. I'm hooked to your stories. Great Job!

I really liked this chapter.
It is a bit too much like Twilight, but by putting your own twist on it, the circumstances were both expected and unexpected, if you get what I mean.
I enjoyed reading it and am looking forward to reading chapter five!

I agree with everything LOLLIPOPGIRL030 said. Maybe you can write it a bit less Twilght-ish? I mean, I adore Twilight, but too much turns people off. I like your special twists. They are great!

hey. This is pretty much a copy of Twilight. Girl moves to dads. Meets hot boy. Fall in love. change it up! make it spicy! Check your work. please. They were lot's of typos.
I cant point them out right now. Just make it, like other people said, less Twilight-ish.