Sleeping Angel

Sleeping Angel

Dedicated to Arlene H. Rist, my mother.

When you were awake
You were as lively
As a waterfall.
Your laughs were as
Good as the sound of gold
Your advice was better
Than that of any adage.

When I saw you in pain,
I wanted to cry.
But I didn’t want you to
See or hear me lose hope.
However I never did lose hope.
Not until I saw your motionless in
A beautiful wooden coffin.

The service was beautiful.
It showed me how important
You were not only in my life,
But in the lives of so many other people.
You brought a family together
That was beginning to separate.

You were accepted into a family
That was never yours by blood.
You were buried next to someone
That you called a mother
Even though you were not born of her.

However I’m happy
That you are no longer in pain.
You did an amazing job here on earth
So you take a long rest in heaven.
Sleep like an angel
For that is what you were
And will always be to me.

Beautiful and inspiring the love that you show in your poem. Its real and a bit raw which isn't necessary a bad thing. Keep on writing

stupidiot92 wrote:When you were awake
You were as lively
As a waterfall.
Your laughs were as
Good as the sound of gold
Your advice was better
Than that of any adage.

Using three similes in a row does not sound professional - even if you put those similes there for a purpose, space them out within the poem instead of packing them all into the beginning. At least vary some of the literary devices used, otherwise the reader becomes a little slumped with the wave-like rise and fall and rise and fall of the simile-usage.

What exactly is the "sound of gold"? Is it gold coins clinking on a surface? Whatever it may be, charge it with more imagery than the vague description you have currently.

When I saw you in pain,
I wanted to cry.
But I didn’t want you to
See or hear me lose hope.
However I never did lose hope.
Not until I saw your motionless in
A beautiful wooden coffin.

See, you have great potential here but you are wasting it by writing such things as "When I saw you in pain". Include some illustration; let the reader jump into your eyes or even your mother's eyes if you feel you knew her well enough to see things with her perspective. Imagery, imagery, imagery.

The last two lines in the stanza are good, keep them.

The service was beautiful.
It showed me how important
You were not only in my life,
But in the lives of so many other people.
You brought a family together
That was beginning to separate.

The use of "beautiful" again so soon after the first time offsets the poetic flow of the piece. The last two lines, again, need to be painted, not said. Pictures are worth a thousand words, but a lyrical description of a picture is just as good.

You were accepted into a family
That was never yours by blood.
You were buried next to someone
That you called a mother
Even though you were not born of her.

However I’m happy
That you are no longer in pain.
You did an amazing job here on earth
So you take a long rest in heaven.
Sleep like an angel
For that is what you were
And will always be to me.

These two stanzas have some sort of disconnect in between as if there was a stanza in the middle of them but you decided to take it out for whatever reason. You jump from the pinnacle of hope, fortitude, and optimism to the descriptions of pain. What caused this pain? Why was it so intense? Emotional pain, physical pain, mental pain? You need to fill in that gap between the stanzas, otherwise it sounds awkward.

The last three lines of the poem were a fitting close and I would recommend keeping them as they are.

Beautiful poem, I love it.
you show emothions in your poetry which is a really good thing.
Keep up the good work! :]

i think this poem is a part of your real life. nice work, try to improve.

Very beautiful and flowing poem. It really made my heart squeeze with sorrow. But then made it fly when the person was glad that the mom would be able to rest. Great poem!!!

Becca

Oh, my gosh! This is awesome, it had me in tears when I was done reading it. Great job on everyhting and keep it up. I like how you led up to her death, and how you used feelings to explain what she meant to the person. All I have left to say is, it's sweet. Keep writing!