Eternal Sunrise Chapter 1

Note: I am sorry if there are so many werewolf/vampire stories on here, but I always wanted to try my hand at writing one. All critiques are welcome and appreciated. I hope to continue this one so, look out for more. Thanks for reading!


Eternal Sunrise
By Angel of Death


Chapter 1



After what seemed like hours of fighting over the remote, the guys finally decided to watch a baseball game. It was a slow Saturday morning and nothing made my eyes flutter endlessly, more than sports did. I couldn't understand them, no matter how many times Leo or Hugh tried to explain it to me. They spoke of touchdowns and plays and quarterbacks, but that all sounded like some kind of foreign language.
"He could've hit a homerun." Derek muttered, throwing a handful of popcorn into his mouth. Grease lined his lips and somehow the cheese that he sprinkled on top of the snack, was all in his hair and on his shirt.
"They're humans. They can't do anything right." Michael said, chuckling. Fire devoured my cheeks, as I stood up from my chair. I was tired of Michael always making comments about humans. And to make it even worse, he'd wait to make them when I was around. Hands clenched, I started across the room, towards him. Everyone's eyes followed me, I could feel their gazes boring into my back. Hugh, the peacemaker, got in my way, bracing my shoulders.
"He didn't mean it." he said, softly.
"Tell him to take it back then!" I snapped, struggling to get free.
"Come on, Hugh. Let her go. I think I can take her," Michael ran a hand through his blond hair, and then started throwing air punches. His muscles were big and burly. He used to intimidate everyone at school, but I wasn't afraid of him. I stood my ground, as fire surrounded his eyes. A growl resonated deep in his throat, and then lunged toward me and Hugh. Nick stopped him, wrapping his arms around Michael's waist.
"Nobody is taking anybody today." he said, angrily. A chorus of laughter danced around the room, but then a low growl put an end to it. Randall, my brother, came in, his usual scowl plastered on his face. I could tell he had just woken up, by the way his fiery red hair fell sloppily around his head. He glanced at Michael and Nick, and then his gaze rested on me.
"What's going on?"
"Your sister was about to be today's breakfast." Michael replied, licking his lips.
"Oh, you're hungry? Well, I'm sure with your nose, you'll be able to find a nice garbage truck. Dog," I spat.
Hugh's face fell. His usually electrifying blue eyes, looked like the ocean on a stormy day. My cheeks flushed even deeper. I always ended up, insulting everyone when I fought with Michael. They hated being called 'dogs' and I knew that.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, tears burning in my eyes.
"Hugh, let her go." Randy ordered, and then I was free.
One by one, everyone left the room until it was only me, Hugh, and Randall. I forced myself to meet Hugh's eyes. They were full of pity that was blanketed with anger. He was the only person in this house, besides Leo, that I could trust and I hurt his feelings.
"I didn't mean to..." I started.
"I know, Grace. I'm not mad at you. I just wish Michael would grow up." Hugh said, hugging me. I took in the minty scent of his skin, and the warmth his body emitted. With him by my side, I felt like I could face Randall without being scared. But when he left, I felt bare, naked even. My knees locked together and my heart pounded incessantly. Randall wasn't my favorite person, and somehow, he knew that. He talked to me, like he was disgusted by my presence. I'm sure there was some part of him that cared for me, but that part was probably buried deep in the depths of his soul. After Father died, he assumed the position of Alpha, leader of this pack. And the only reason why he kept me around was because it was father's order. Watch over her.
Randy cared for our father, and would do anything he asked without hesitating. But I wasn't a werewolf like he and father was; I didn't carry the gene. Me knowing of their existence was against every law that our forefathers set. If he wanted to, Randall could kill me. He possessed enough rage and righteousness to do it. Shivering, I pushed the thought out of my head and looked up at him. His eyes were distant, as if they were somewhere else. Somehow, he looked different, older. There were frown lines dancing around his lips, and bags resting above his cheeks.
"I just don't know what to do with you." he said, gruffly.
"What..." I started.
"You are trying your hardest to tear everything that I've worked on, apart." he continued, his voice rising.
I could feel the anger ignite again. I was always doing something wrong. Maybe Michael was right.
Sighing, Randall motioned for me to sit down, and I obeyed. The couch still felt warm, and I found solace in the softness of the cushions. I ran my hands across the velvety texture, waiting for Randall to begin lecturing me some more.
"Ever since Leo left, you've been acting out and I won't have it. You are apart of this pack, but you act like you don't want to be." I could see the resentment in his eyes, as he uttered these words.
"I do want to be apart of this Pack." I breathed, pain scratching the walls of my throat. Salt kissed my lips, as the hot liquid continued to rain down my cheeks. Its true that I've been different since Leo left but Randy acts as if I'm lashing out on purpose. As if my human heart is too hard to understand. Everything had lost meaning, and no one would tell me what Leo was leaving for. They would get quiet if I walked in on one of their conversations or tell me that everything was going to be okay. But I could see it in their eyes that some of them were in the dark as much as I was. Night after night, I sat up in bed worrying about him. The tears were still embedded in my pillow. They were the only thing that kept me company. So wasn't that enough to justify the bitter words that sat on the edge of my tongue or the anger I felt towards everyone for pretending that life around here, was normal? The answer was no, it wasn't enough. Nothing I do will make Randy see that I am just like him, even if I can't change into a wolf. He will forever see me as a naive human who is a danger to the Pack.
"Then act like it." he growled.
As he started to walk away, I just couldn't contain it any longer. The words were on the precipice of my lips, ready to jump out into the open.
"You're not father, and you'll never be the Alpha that he was." I said, wiping the last of the tears away. He stopped in his tracks, and turned to meet my gaze. His eyes bored into my soul, freezing over the fire that raged inside of it.
"Take those words back!" he yelled, lips pulled back over his teeth. I wanted to take them back, but something gave me the strength to say no. A vein throbbed on his forehead, and then his face turned a deep red. Breathing in and out, Randall tried to control his anger, but it was too late. The fury was ripping through his body, eating at his heart. No one had the guts to tell the Alpha that they thought he wasn't a good leader. They could die for uttering the words that I freely spoke. The good thing about being a human, was that no one could control you.
Soon, Randall was morphing into a werewolf. His hands were replaced with long, knife-like claws and ebony fur was engulfing his skin. I've seen Leo in this form many times, but I never really paid attention to my brother when he transformed. He was bigger than a horse, and he looked somewhat majestic, in the way he stood on all fours. Something told me I should be scared but I was too angry to allow fear to take over me.
Howling, he took off lightning speed towards the window and jumped out. The glass shattered, and tiny transparent shards flew everywhere. I ducked, shielding my eyes from the storm. Air poured into the room, running it's hands through my hair.

The Alpha was gone.

And as always, it was my fault.

Chapter 2

"Nick, you and Derek are going to search the outskirts of the land." Hugh's eyebrows were furrowed and his usually sweet and fatherly mien took on a serious tone. As he gave out the orders, his eyes rested on me. Michael stormed into the room, his huge arms pulling up over his head.
"I was tryna sleep. What the hell's going on?" he asked, looking from me to Hugh.
"Randall...left." Hugh replied, sighing.
"Oh, great."

So, first off, no need to apologize for anything of the vampire/werewolf category. It’s one of my absolute favorites. Anyway, I guess I’ll just start, huh?

I looked over at my clock, hoping it would be midnight but it was only 10:30.

This is a very awkward sentence. I would try something along the lines of : “I glanced at my clock with the hope that it might read midnight, but I was disappointed to see that it was only 10:30.”

A cool breeze drifted into my room, making my eyebrows furrow.

Someone reading this line is immediately going to ask why you would be furrowing your eyebrows. Perhaps at the end add, “in (confusion, wonder, or some other noun that would give the idea you had originally meant for.)”

The sound of springs coiling, was attuned with the creak of the floorboards as I tip-toed across the room.

Again, this needs a little tweaking. “The sound of the bed springs coiling not unlike the creak of the floorboards as I tiptoed across the room.” Also, the line that follows this one should be the beginning of a new paragraph.

I loved this time of night. Especially since I knew Leo was seeing the same sky I did.

This can be changed into a single sentence. “I loved this time of night, especially since I knew Leo was seeing the same sky as I was.”

All at once, tears formed in my eyes and a smile pulled my lips up at the corner.

Again, I would suggest beginning another paragraph here. Most fid that giant, bulky paragraphs like this can be difficult to shift through.

I took in the minty scent of his skin, and the warmth his body emitted. It felt right being in his arms. We were a perfect match. Our bodies fit together like yin and yang.

I happen to adore this chunk of writing. It contains some wonderful metaphors and beautiful descriptions.

With one quick movement, he had me in his arms and then he agilely leaped over to the bed and sat us down.

A little editing should be done here. Try: “With one quick movement, he had me in his arms before leaping agilely over to the bed and setting me down.”

Nestled in his chest, I thought back to all the days I've lived without his touch. It could've been a day, a week, or maybe even a year. I couldn't know exactly, but I did know that it felt like eternity. Everything had lost meaning once he set off on his voyage North.

Again, I really like this portion. The only problem is that in the last sentence, either lowercase the “n” in “North” or add the words “to the” before the word “North.”

No one would tell me what he was leaving for. They would get quiet if I walked in on one of their conversations or tell me that everything was going to be okay. But I could see in their eyes that some of them were in the dark as much as I was. Night after night, I sat up in bed worrying about him. The tears were still embedded in my pillow. They were the only thing that kept me company. Chandler tried getting me to leave the house and get some sunlight, but his attempts were all in vain. I knew that he only wanted me out of the house, because he was tired of seeing me weep over Leo. He hated the idea of us going together.

This was very good. It gave some wonderful details and insight into the narrator’s thoughts. Also, “going” should probably be changed to “being.” But again, this whole portion deserves its own. The sentence following begins a new paragraph again.

Shivering, I pushed the thought out of my head and looked up at Leo. His eyes were distant, as if they were somewhere else. Somehow, he looked different, older. There were frown lines dancing around his lips, and bags resting above his cheeks. He mirrored the pain that had stayed with me during his absence.

This is another wonderful portion but also needs to be its own paragraph.

His breath made fiery trails down my neck and then he planted his lips at the hollow of my throat.

Change this a little bit perhaps to: “His breath made a fiery trail down my neck before planting his lips at the hollow of my throat.”

"Did you want me to stay away?" he asked, seductively. A smile was stretching across his face, making my heart sink. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I couldn't believe I've lived without it.
"No. To tell you the truth, another two hours would've killed me."
"I think it would've killed me more than it would've killed you."
"Are you willing to bet on that, Leonardo Hastings?"
"I am, if you're willing to lose."

All of this dialogue is amazing and very well written and believable.

"Wanna go for a run?" he asked.

This feels very abrupt. Perhaps add a little something like, “destroying the momentary silence” after the word “asked.” Also, this little section of dialogue should be its own paragraph.

And then we were outside, flying through the cool night air.

I would recommend getting rid of “And then” and just starting with “We.”

It felt like we were running for hours.

Instead of “like” try “as if.”

The sky looked as if it stretched out into forever, wherever that was.

This is wonderful and very cut. I really like it.

A blanket was laid out next to two candles and a basket. As I carefully got (off) of Leo's back, he transformed.

This is, again, the start of a new paragraph. Also, “two” could be changed to “a pair of” and an adjective would be nice to describe the basket like “wicker” or something. Oh, and I would consider nixing “carefully.”


I couldn’t see a problem with anything else. But I am going to say that this feels a bit like Bella and Edward (I’m assuming you understood the Twilight reference). However, it was well executed and the characters are looking forward to becoming extremely believable. However, it would be nice to see some sort of flaw in both of them. Perfect characters can be a nuisance and most readers won’t enjoy it. So find some flaws to give to both of them. Flaws have a beauty all of their own.

The Queen is here as requested for the deathly one.

Nitpicks first, Angel dahling. And random things I liked.

Sleep wouldn't come. It played with my eyes, making them open and close at random.

I liked the fact that this isn't an overused line, to start with. Even though it isn't particularly dramatic, it draws the reader in because it's original. So many times today I've had to tell people to make their opening line less cliched, because it read something like, "I can't believe what I've done." Yours is honest, it isn't falsely melodramatic and I like that. The varied sentences are also to good effect. [/ramble]

I looked over at my clock, hoping it would be midnight but it was only 10:30.

You need a comma after 'midnight', and I think this would look better if you wrote '10:30' in letters. Just a personal preference.

Groaning, I sat up and ran my hands through my hair.

Replace 'hands' with 'fingers'. Sounds better and makes more sense.

I could remember coming upstairs and laying down in my bed, but I couldn't recall opening the window.

Laying = lying.

The sound of springs coiling, was attuned with the creak of the floorboards as I tip-toed across the room.

There is no need for the comma after 'coiling'. It makes the sentence jerky. Also, you don't need a hyphon in 'tiptoed'. I like the details though, good job.

In the distance, I could hear owls hooting and crickets chirping.

This is a bit story-book-ish, you know, describing every sound the animal makes. The onomateopeaia makes it childish and counter-reacts with the more sophisticated style of your writing. I would nix the whole 'crickets chirping' thing, or replace 'chirping' with a word that isn't alliterative to 'crickets.' Or just leave it with the owls.

I usually didn't listen to him but he assured me he'd wake me up when Leo arrived.

Oh right...he knows about Leo. Ignore my rambling above. I'm editing as I read, so.

It smelled of a dying shower and blooming flowers.

This imagery are two different ideas that contrast slightly weirdly. I'm not sure I agree with the use of both of them. Change one.

Our bodies fit together like yin and yang.

I don't like it. A bit cheesy love-quote-ish, get what I mean? Oh, and it should be 'fitted' because it's in the past.

It tasted like so many kisses before this one, but it was filled with so much more duress and coercion.

Here, intead of telling us with words like 'duress' and 'coercion' how the kiss was, show us the duress and coercion. Here's an example of doing this, that I just wrote to help you out. You can copy some of it if you want, I didn't copywrite it, lol.

Before she could withdraw her mind from its far places, his arms were around her, drawing her to her feet, sure and hard. She felt the rush of helplessness, the sinking yielding, the surging tide of warmth that left her limp. He tilted back her head, and kissed her, softly at first, then with a swift graduation of intensity that made her cling to him as the only solid thing in a dizzy, swaying world.

Okay, it's a tad too detailed for the purposes of this scene. But it's an example of showing and not telling.

I breathed in and out heavily, my heart beating out of control.

Repetition of out. Change the second part to, 'my heart beating frenziedly' or something like that.

Nestled in his chest, I thought back to all the days I've lived without his touch.

I've = I'd. Because it's in the past tense.

But I could see in their eyes that some of them were in the dark as much as I was.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction.

Night after night, I sat up in bed worrying about him. The tears were still embedded in my pillow. They were the only thing that kept me company. Chandler tried getting me to leave the house and get some sunlight, but his attempts were all in vain. I knew that he only wanted me out of the house, because he was tired of seeing me weep over Leo. He hated the idea of us going together. I'm sure there was some part of him that cared for me, but the other part, didn't want to have anything to do with me. I wasn't a werewolf like he and father was. I didn't carry the gene. Me knowing of their existence was against every law that our forefathers set. If he wanted to, Chandler could kill me. He possessed enough rage and righteousness to do it.

This is a huge chunk of 'telling'. Show us, don't tell us. Show these events as we go along instead of telling us that time went on and things developed.

Do this through:

Dialogue - helps the reader experience events as if they were there.
Description. - paints a strong visual image. Make sure not to overdo it though and come up with what I call a police blotter image, "He wore a black jacket and blue jeans." That kind of stuff is boring. Description is about choosing the right words, being clever and beautiful, painting an picture for the reader.
Be Specific, not Vague - instead of telling us that time went on, show us that she sat up night after night worrying about him - show us this as we go along, or it ends up sounding like a diary entry.
Senses -In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.

Shivering, I pushed the thought out of my head and looked up at Leo. His eyes were distant, as if they were somewhere else. Somehow, he looked different, older. There were frown lines dancing around his lips, and bags resting above his cheeks. He mirrored the pain that had stayed with me during his absence.

Great narrative control.

The night was still young and as long as we were together, I couldn't say no.

The night was still young = cliche. Nix it. You're too good for those.

"Each day I've lived without you near me, was like hell. I would have killed to see your smile or to hear your voice. You're like the blood in my veins. Without you, I am dead." he whispered.

Do people really talk like that? So smooth, so cliched? This seems a bit Edward Cullen-ish. And trust me, you're better than Meyer. People don't generally talk in full sentences. They give one word answers. So occasionally use lazy words such as "Yeah, uhhh, mmhmm," etc. Make this awkward, flaws. Show us that he's nervous, give awkward pauses, it will make it more real and give this more depth.

Though I felt the same was as he did, there was no way I'd be able to word it better.

Typo. Was = Way. So it would read, "though I felt the same way".
And this introduced a repetition of 'way'. To add more effect, just nix the last part of this sentence.

Okay, Angel. I really like your style. This is polished, so thankfully not grammatical/spelling mistakes that were major. You have potential here.

Plot

However, you'll hate me for saying this, but it seems a bit like Twilight. With Bella staying up late, defying parent's rules (siblings in your case), and sneaking out to find Edward at night. I know I'm a bit biased because I don't like Twilight anyway, but I do like your writing and think it could be better than Twilight, so don't stoop to that level. Make the scenario more original. Your readers will thank you for it.

Love Interest

The mass of yellow curls that fell around my pillow reminded me of the rays of the sun at the beginning of dawn.

That’s a bit of a clichéd allusion. He was a bit too perfect all the way through. Try to make him less of a male Mary-Sue, as well. Nobody is perfect. Flesh him out. Give him quirks and original mannerisms. Show us his flaws, her fears, her worries. What are the things about him that people don't like? You have to be honest about him, or there's nothing to make him real. Flaws = beauty, and are the real things that will make your main character fall in lurve with him.

Characterisation

I'm not getting that much information about the main character at the moment. I can't really see her personality come out, all I know is that she's a girl in love.

Keep a notebook nearby, and write down little details about real people. Does your friend have a strange way of twisting her hair when she's excited? Do you notice how your brother has a comeback for everything? These little details make up the character.

Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.

Description

Description of emotions was good, and you described the love interest well, except you need to make him less perfect. Work on describing surroundings now. The scenery, the weather, the forest, the sky, the way everything felt and looked and smelt. That will make this imagery a lot stronger.


Overall

You have a good idea here. You just need to add originality and make it as much your own as possible. Develop the characters a bit, differentiate them from anyone else's. This could be a really good story, with that extra bit of effort put in.

Good luck!

-Sarah

Note: I am sorry if there are so many werewolf/vampire stories on here, but I always wanted to try my hand at writing one. All critiques are welcome and appreciated. I hope to continue this one so, look out for more. Thanks for reading!



Eternal Sunrise

By Angel of Death



Chapter 1


Sleep wouldn't come. It played with my eyes, making them open and close at random. I looked over at my clock, hoping it would be midnight but it was only 10:30.Like before mentioned, this is very awkward, change it. Groaning, I sat up and ran my hands through my hair. A cool breeze drifted into my room, making my eyebrows furrow. I could remember coming upstairs and laying down in my bed, but I couldn't recall opening the window. I stood up. The sound of springs coiling, was attuned with the creak of the floorboards as I tip-toed across the room. It was dark outside and everything was illuminated by the dying lights of the street lamps. The sky was a deep purple and the stars were appearing one by one. In the distance, I could hear owls hooting and crickets chirping. I loved this time of night. Especially since I knew Leo was seeing the same sky I did. He was supposed to be coming home tonight. I had waited up for him, but I couldn't fight the urge to slip into dreamland. It was 9:30 when Chandler, my over-protective brother, told me to go to bed. I usually didn't listen to him but he assured me he'd wake me up when Leo arrived. Closing the window, I inhaled the last few breaths of night that sifted in. It smelled of a dying shower and blooming flowers. Sighing, I turned back to my bed, only to have my heart stop. All at once, tears formed in my eyes and a smile pulled my lips up at the corner. A huge form was stretched across my twin-sized bed. By the way the moonlight devoured the porcelain face, I was able to see electrifying green eyes and full pink lips.Good description The mass of yellow curls that fell around my pillow reminded me of the rays of the sun at the beginning of dawn. Before I could fly into his arms , Leo was beside me, pulling me close. I took in the minty scent of his skin, and the warmth his body emitted. It felt right being in his arms. We were a perfect match. Our bodies fit together like yinIs it not ying and yang? and yang.

His lips slid down the side of my face. My forehead, my cheeks, my nose, the contours of my jaw and finally my lips. I could feel the anxiousness in his kiss. It tasted like so many kisses before this one, but it was filled with so much more duress and coercion.Good word choice. I savored it, not wanting to resurface. Moans resonated in his throat, and then he let go of me. My lungs felt as though they were empty of air. I breathed in and out heavily, my heart beating out of control.

"I should leave more often," he whispered, chuckling.

"Don't," I sighed.

With one quick movement, he had me in his arms and then he agilely leaped over to the bed and sat us down. Nestled in his chest, I thought back to all the days I've lived without his touch. It could've been a day, a week, or maybe even a year. I couldn't know exactly, but I did know that it felt like eternity. Everything had lost meaning once he set off on his voyage North. No one would tell me what he was leaving for. They would get quiet if I walked in on one of their conversations or tell me that everything was going to be okay. But I could see in their eyes that some of them were in the dark as much as I was. Night after night, I sat up in bed worrying about him. The tears were still embedded in my pillow. They were the only thing that kept me company. Chandler tried getting me to leave the house and get some sunlight, but his attempts were all in vain. I knew that he only wanted me out of the house, because he was tired of seeing me weep over Leo. He hated the idea of us going together. I'm sure there was some part of him that cared for me, but the other part, didn't want to have anything to do with me. I wasn't a werewolf like he and father wasWere not was. I didn't carry the gene. Me knowing of their existence was against every law that our forefathers set. If he wanted to, Chandler could kill me. He possessed enough rage and righteousness to do it. Shivering, I pushed the thought out of my head and looked up at Leo. His eyes were distant, as if they were somewhere else. Somehow, he looked different, older. There were frown lines dancing around his lips, and bags resting above his cheeks. He mirrored the pain that had stayed with me during his absence.

"It feels nice to be home," he said, meeting my gaze. His eyes were a pair of flaming black coal.

"How...come...you're home early?" I managed, breathlessly, before he stole another kiss off of my lips. His breath made fiery trails down my neck and then he planted his lips at the hollow of my throat.

"Did you want me to stay away?" he asked, seductively. A smile was stretching across his face, making my heart sink. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I couldn't believe I've lived without it.

"No. To tell you the truth, another two hours would've killed me."

"I think it would've killed me more than it would've killed you."

"Are you willing to bet on that, Leonardo Hastings?"

"I am, if you're willing to lose."

I laughed, remembering how competitive he was. For a while, I stopped playing games because he always won. A moment of silence passed between us. I could hear the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. One. Two. Three.

"Wanna go for a run?" he asked. The night was still young and as long as we were together, I couldn't say no. Securing me in his arms, he flew over to the window and pushed it up. And then we were outside, flying through the cool night air. The moon sheathed him in its ivory splendor and soon his tall form morphed into a four-legged creature with golden brown fur. He was beautiful. As I wrapped my arms around his neck, I couldn't help but wonder what I'd look like if I were a werewolf. Maybe I'd have black fur that matched the color of my hair. I'd have a lean figure with piercing blue eyes. We'd be able to go on voyages together and I'd always be at his side. Burying my cheek in his back, I let the tears that had haunted me for so long, pour out of my eyes once more.

It felt like we were running for hours. Leo had taken me into the forest before, but he cautioned me to not venture beyond a certain point. Now, the trees that looked like skyscrapers were disappearing. I could see acres and acres of purple land. The sky looked as if it stretched out into forever, wherever that was. Dancing hand in hand with the stars were lightning bugs. Everything looked like something out of a Van Gogh painting. It was beautiful. We came to a stop at the bottom of a hill, near a lake. A blanket was laid out next to two candles and a basket. As I carefully got of Leo's back, he transformed. The only downfall about being a werewolf, was that your clothes always got destroyed. But, I've always felt that clothes were overrated, especially on a creature as beautiful as Leo. His arm muscles flexed as he moved towards me, that angelic smile wiping away the tears that dried up on my face. He picked me up, and then we were lying down on the blanket, staring up at the stars. I could feel him watching me. His gaze caressing every piece of my body.

"So, about that bet?" I said, looking over at him.

"Hmm?" he asked, seeming to be lost in thought.

"The bet." I repeated, turning over so that I could prop myself up on my elbows.

"You must be willing to lose," he smirked.

Suddenly, his hand was under my chin. I looked at him, watching as his face moved closer to mine. I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead, his lips moved towards my ear.

"Each day I've lived without you near me, was like hell. I would have killed to see your smile or to hear your voice. You're like the blood in my veins. Without you, I am dead." he whispered. My heart stopped. Though I felt the same was as he did, there was no way I'd be able to word it better. His words were lined with passion and truth, so I knew that he wasn't just saying them to win.

"You love me." I said, softly.

"More than you'll ever know." he said, and then he pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me

Plot
It was a bit cliched, and if I'm being brutally honest I found it rather boring, but that's just personally. Other people might have liked it though. On the plus side, it was well written

Charachterization
Could be improved upon but it was ok.

Grammar
Your grammar is impeccable. Well done, one of the best pieces grammar-wise that I have seen on here

Overall
I loved your word choice in parts. The plot was a bit cliched but it was ok. Some of the description was great. Keep it up. Add a tad more imagery. But all in all, it was good. Well done
-Kirsten xxx