Shaman's Blues

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We will sing this together
as we teach the words
and learn the ritual

Who is willing to give a fatherly role,
on a walk to the beauty way.
Chanting and bluffing towards our own sunset
A paradise of a modern struggle

A cautionary tale
of reverence to the homeland
Creating community and speaking the sermon of the Word

With a landscape empty and dead
we wonder if our relation of kin
will impart to Abel on the hill

Running with the dead
we separate two visions.
Colonizing the snake and all his powers,
defeating the lineage of what my transpire.
and comforting the idea of poetic freedom
isolation from the plague and the ability to dance in the rain

A mystical sense of learning to sail
brings the turbulent winds of the sea to the shore.
A hurricane of a thousand years
continues to hum our humble song.
The highway is for gamblers, better use your sense. Take what you have gathered from coincidence.




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Who is willing to give a fatherly role,
on a walk to the beauty way.
Chanting and bluffing towards our own sunset
A paradise of a modern struggle


This stanza confused me.

Firstly you ask a question, without a question mark. Secondly, 'beauty way', doesn't make sense. What do you mean by it? A way of beauty? A beautiful way?

A paradise of a modern struggle?

Are you just throwing words together now? This stanza meant nothing to me - perhaps you could clear that up? I don't see its connection to the first stanza either.

defeating the lineage of what my transpire.


may transpire

continues to hum our humble song.


hum and humble are too close together for my liking. 'sing our humble song' - maybe?

I liked the sentiment behind the piece and the mysticism of it; I would have preferred to have more of a sense of the tribal mindset, of ritualistic nature and belief. I think you went a bit off the rails with the second stanza though.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Okay...
This is like a Gothic version of a hippy song. lol

Who is willing to give a fatherly role,
on a walk to the beauty way.(Beauty way?!? Please improve that. Maybe beautiful way? Also question mark.)
Chanting and bluffing towards our own sunset
A paradise of a modern struggle


Okay now this is very imaginary. My imagination sees the the sun set with all these massive structures in front of it and everyone behind me scream like fools... Is that normal?

Running with the dead
we separate two visions.
Colonizing the snake and all his powers,
defeating the lineage of what my transpire.
and comforting the idea of poetic freedom
isolation from the plague and the ability to dance in the rain


I actually like this stanza. Very creative. I love the personification and metaphor used.
Line 4: You need to remove 'what' It will make more sense.

All in all: Really nice. Just too overboard for me with the Gothic tribe and ritual. There is nothing wrong with it and is good as it is now, but try to get a balance in this poem.

Hope it helps. :wink:
Look at my big shiny shell...



You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind