Yet Another Slip Up

No matter how hard I try I eventually slip up.

I CAN"T go that long without feeling that ALIVE feeling, after feeling that ALONE feeling for so long.

I need help but the thing is I DON"T want it.
I've been seeing a shrink for four years and it only gets worse.
Because I'm not going to tell EVERYTHING to this new shrink because my last shrink of four years doesn't know ALL of my "dark" secrets

But I am SO tired of hurting inside.
I just want someone to love me for ME..

I cut on the outside to FEEL ALIVE on the inside.

This reads more like a blog entry than a poem. Try breaking it up a bit for emphasis instead of using capital letters.
Also, you're telling, not really showing. Inject some real emotion and really use the poem to show how you're feeling. Even though this is honest, and (unfortunatly) how you really feel (I assume..right?) the 'angsty teen' schtick is extremely overdone. So to make this into an original poem you have to be unique.

Hope this helped-PM me if you have questions! And do revise this, don't just give up.

No matter how hard I try I eventually slip up.

This just doesn't match with what you're trying to say, maybe something with emotion and description should be placed here to immediately hook the reader.

I CAN"T go that long without feeling that ALIVE feeling, after feeling that ALONE feeling for so long.

I don't understand the need to put CANT in capitals, and proper puncuation would be CAN'T, "<- Is used for when people are talking such as; "Help" I screamed.

I need help but the thing is I DON"T want it.
I've been seeing a shrink for four years and it only gets worse.

Again with the capitalization and the puncuation. Also, I don't understand why you're seeing a shrink? Obviously you're depressed, but why? Give us more information...

Because I'm not going to tell EVERYTHING to this new shrink because my last shrink of four years doesn't know ALL of my "dark" secrets

Why wouldn't you tell a shrink everything? That's what they are for, venting...

But I am SO tired of hurting inside.
I just want someone to love me for ME..

This is like a puzzle that doesn't quite piece together. It would read better as;
'I am so tired of hurting inside, I just want somebody to love me for who I am'

I cut on the outside to FEEL ALIVE on the inside.

This sentence doesn't fit with the rest, and I believe this is a quote from somewhere.


Let's get the bad out of the way;
*-You don't put enough emotion, nor enough description. You say it how it is, the point of Dramatic Poetry is to have the reader feel as if they can relate to it, or at least understand the meaning.
*-You say things suddenly that have no real explanation, for example, the sentence about the shrink; why would you not tell the previous shrink what was going on? & why didn't you inform the reader of why you were seeing a shrink.
*- Why did you feel the need to write in capitals, it irritates my eyes and makes me want to leave.

Okay, now the good;
*- You have the correct understanding of what you are writing, even though the readers don't
*- The string of sentences in the middle makes me want to relate to it, and that's what I did. Try do this throughout your whole piece.

soconfused4512 wrote:No matter how hard I try I eventually slip up.

I CAN"T go that long without feeling that ALIVE feeling, after feeling that ALONE feeling for so long.

I need help but the thing is I DON"T want it.
I've been seeing a shrink for four years and it only gets worse.
Because I'm not going to tell EVERYTHING to this new shrink because my last shrink of four years doesn't know ALL of my "dark" secrets

But I am SO tired of hurting inside.
I just want someone to love me for ME..

I cut on the outside to FEEL ALIVE on the inside.

I agree the poem sounds more conversational than it should be. I think you could fix that by breaking the lines up and using different punctuation.
I'm not really sure the rhythm you are going for, it could be.
No matter how hard,
I try.
I eventually-
slip up.
I can't ! (oh yeah, take the capitalisation out, the words should emphasise themselves)
go that long without feeling
that alive feeling (you say feeling too many times, I'm not sure where you'd want to take it out though.)
after feeling
that alone feeling,
for so long. (maybe something else, forever, for ages, for..)

I need help
But I don't
want it. ( "the thing is" is once again too conversational)
I've seen a shrink for four (love for four, emphasise it with punctuation, spacing, somehow)
years.
it only gets worse.

Because
I'm not going to tell
everything.
(I have no idea waht to do here!, next bit!)


I am so
tired,
hurting inside
I want
someone to love me
for me

I cut the outside
to feel alive
inside.



Hope you can work with my changes, this is my first review so I'm sorry if I did anything offensive or something. Good luck!