Sardines

I couldn’t remember
What had happened earlier
That day. My head was
Throbbing, but my body

Was numb. I forced my
Eyes open, tearing apart
The film that had formed over
Them. What I saw sent a

Ripple of fear through my
Bones. My friends, all of them,
Lying around me as if we were
Pieces in a game of pick up sticks.

I realized then that I
Could not move. I realized
Then why. They had killed us.
Killed us all.

Now I heard scratching
And soft thumps
And harsh bangings. Dirt
Flew through the air like

Dandelion seeds sprinkling
To the earth. There were
More thumps, more dirt, and
Then they came to the man

Next to me. I watched in
Horror as they threw him in
The ground, then covered
Him over. I was terrified

When I realized they were
To do the same to me. I
Felt myself slump into the
Hole and smelled the mossy

Dirt falling over me. I
Looked out at my last glimpse
Of sky before I was covered
And became one with the

Earth. We all remained
There, those of us who were
Killed, with the worms until
Our very existence was forgotten.

AlyssaKyle wrote:I couldn’t remember
What had happened earlier
That day. My head was
Throbbing, but my body

Was numb. I forced my
Eyes open, tearing apart
The film that had formed over
Them. What I saw sent a

Line breaks is the first problem. There's no reason to separate random words like "remember what" and especially phrases like "my eyes" apart from each other unless you're trying to adhere to some obscure rule of poetry that states every line must have a certain number of words...which I am suspecting is the case. Before you do anything else to this poem, change the line breaks. They will drive away countless readers because of how confusing and haphazard they make the poem look.

The imagery you use is weak; in some cases, such as when you state "My head was throbbing, but my body was numb", the description is vague - what was so special about your head throbbing and insensible body? Give us some information here (through lyrical means, of course) to actually make that relevant. Right now, it sounds like a skeleton; it's there and everyone can see it, but there's no meat or flesh on it to make it look good. In other cases, such as when you talked about the film on your eyes, you say too much without actually giving away any real information. For example, when you talk about tearing open your eyes, you make it sound like it took some focus for you to do that. If that's the situation, then instead of saying "that had formed over them", say something like "that had crawled over my eyelids", letting the reader feel the same thing as you are.

Ripple of fear through my
Bones. My friends, all of them,
Lying around me as if we were
Pieces in a game of pick up sticks.

One does not have a "ripple of fear" through the bones; that doesn't give us any picture, because how can we imagine such a solid, stoic object as a bone ripping with fear? It doesn't make sense. Rippling through nerves or just plain jolting through your mind would work better.

I realized then that I
Could not move. I realized
Then why. They had killed us.
Killed us all.

Now I heard scratching
And soft thumps
And harsh bangings. Dirt
Flew through the air like

First stanza is not understandable. How can you realize that murder has happened just by looking at your friends laying around? If you mean you remembered that you'd been murdered, then say so. Not "realized". See, the smallest nuance in word choice can escalate into the biggest difference of content.

The stanza about scratching is riddled with understatements and generally juvenile imagery. "Scratching", "soft", "harsh", "bang". These are all examples of extremely weak words that could very well be replaced by something more potent and long-lasting. A reader won't remember "soft", but he will remember "ominous".

Dandelion seeds sprinkling
To the earth. There were
More thumps, more dirt, and
Then they came to the man

If he was your friend, as you stated earlier, you would know his name. Calling him "the man" puts a great amount of distance between what relationship we think you may have with him.

Next to me. I watched in
Horror as they threw him in
The ground, then covered
Him over. I was terrified

When I realized they were
To do the same to me. I
Felt myself slump into the
Hole and smelled the mossy

If you were terrified, I suggest showing us that you were terrified rather than letting us know as an afterthought. Describe your pounding heart, the ice choking your veins, anything besides what you have now - which is close to nothing.

Dirt falling over me. I
Looked out at my last glimpse
Of sky before I was covered
And became one with the

Earth. We all remained
There, those of us who were
Killed, with the worms until
Our very existence was forgotten.

"And become one with the Earth" sounds too passive and philosophical. The rest of your poem has been filled with gritty, down-to-earth language and this stanza should be no differently unless you have done so with a specific purpose in mind, which I don't think you have.

The last line is good because it ends on a note of despair, which is consistent with the theme of the entire poem. Also, I like it for its closure of sorts - you mention what happened until eternity but package it inside of one line, which gives a rather cathartic feel to those reading the poem.

In general, this wasn't a good poem but it wasn't appalling either. Based on your first two or three stanzas, which are by far the weakest, I was going to say that the whole poem was bad; you brought it back to a level of decency, however, with the last few stanzas, which were raw and showed the emotions that the first half of your poem lacked. Keep working on this.

Hope that helped.

I do believe the purpose of this site is to give constructive critizism, not rip the person on what a horrible job they did. I know the line breaks are off. Why does no one understand that I break and punctuate the way i do for a reason? The story of the news article was that they had recently found 50,000 bodies from a war massacre in Korea, and we had to write in the point of view of that person. When I said 'a riple of fear' I was referring to a strong feeling the spread deep within them. The person did not remember. There was a disconnect from when they were alive to when they were dead. Soft and ominous do not mean the same things. And the descriptions are short because the way I think of it, the way you think is not as vivid when you are dead than when you were alive. I think it would be pointless to give 'the man' a name. It would mean nothing to the reader. He is dead. He has no heart to pound. How do you know what I was thinking? I do hae a deliberate person that I put into my writing. I do appreciate what you said, beut you could have presented it in a nicer way, and maybe taken a bit more time to consider why I did things the way I did before tearing me down for them.