Guitarist

This is the second poem I have ever written. The first will come sometime latter.


For a lonely man with his guitar,
playing his tune not being disturbed.
With one hand holding a cigar,
I got a feeling he was perturbed.

He threw his cigar after one last smoke,
and continued his tune, yet so cold.
He then looked up to me as if to provoke.
Then I shivered to what I was about to behold.

He grew wings and flew to the sky.
That lonely guitarist was out of sight.
I then was bound to simply imply
He had one heck of a flight.

-Edgar Garcia

Hi, Chromaticed! Here by request

For a lonely man with his guitar,

playing his tune not being disturbed.

With one hand holding a cigar,

I got a feeling he was perturbed.

The rhyming is all fine, but I got a feeling you just chose to use these words because they rhymed. I have yet much to learn about different styles of poetry, but what I usually want in a poem is explanation. I don't mean explanation of imagery, but rather explanation of feelings. Like, why did the narrator get a feeling that the man was perturbed? Holding a cigar is barely any sign of being perturbed, now is it? Of course, you shouldn't write "I got a feeling he was perturbed, because..." but instead, you should show it by describing the man's expression, for example. Or just some sixth sense. What I think you should try is really, really diving deep to the poem and what you want to say with it. It'll come to you in a way or another.

He threw his cigar after one last smoke,

and continued his tune, yet so cold.

He then looked up to me as if to provoke.

Then I shivered to what I was about to behold.

This second stanza I liked better, because every line has something to do with the previous one. It doesn't have the thrown-together feeling as the first one. One thing that stood out for me was the last line: it seems funny that the narrator shivered to what he was only about to behold. I mean, it hadn't happened yet, had it? And I doubt the narrator is any psychic: "Okay, now there's about to happen something really weird, so better start shivering already". You know what I mean?

He grew wings and flew to the sky.

That lonely guitarist was out of sight.

I then was bound to simply imply

He had one heck of a flight.

I like the idea behind this stanza; it's mysterious and interesting. I, however, felt like you could've brought more to this amazing event. Now you're just saying that okay, he flew away, nothing more. The description of the amazed and surprised feeling of the narrator could've been way deeper than just "heck of a flight". If you know what I mean. This is something I say to almost everyone, but use each and everyone of your senses when writing a poem. Not just sight, but also hearing, touch, smell, even taste. This will give your readers much, much more.


Overall:

I'm sorry if I sounded too harsh, because seeing as this was only your second poem ever, it was really good, better than my second or third for sure. You just need to delve what you want to say and give with your poem. Don't worry about that too much: if you just keep writing and reviewing and read much poetry, you'll improve on that without even noticing. That has happened to me, at least.

I hope this helped. PM me with any questions.


Demeter xxx

*laughs* OK - the person who's just critiqued you has pretty much said everything that needs to be said, but that was good considering it's your first (second, if you want to get technical) submission to the site (or at least, the poetry part).

As already mentioned, a lot of the rhymes appear forced, which disrupts the pace of your poem. You don't actually have to rhyme something for it to be a poem - just thought I should let you know. I think you could create something beautiful out of this by simply getting rid of a few of 'em. Instead of the rhyming pattern being A B A B, how about _ A _ A, _ B _ B? With the '_' being a line ending in whatever floats your boat. ^_^

Anyway, this is a pretty rubbish review *scolds self* so I'll wait around for more of your stuff to review.

By the way. Your av.

... it scares me.

Horribly.

o_o