Dark Is the Night

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Dark is The Night


Dark is the night,
When the full moon rises.
A single candlestick white,
Burns, melts with lies.

Wind howls outside,
And death grows many.
Trees crack and twist,
With the blackbird’s song.

Watch out and don’t,
Don’t get caught.
For this may be,
Your last fight faught.

Give it your all,
Be the last light.
Give it your all,
Fight the last fight.

Dim is the dawn,
When the full sun rises.
A candle flickers out,
And with it the lies

The wind breeze slows,
And the people awaken.
Trees stand at attention,
With the bluebird’s song.

Don’t be still with fear,
And do not get caught.
For this won’t be,
Your last fight faught.

You have another day,
To soak seas of sun.
You have another day,
It will soon be done.

Diminished is the dusk,
When the full sun lowers.
A candle lights up,
Sparking lies and hate.

The wind picks up,
And the people tire more.
Trees bend to the bird,
With it’s screechful song.

Your fear magnifies,
But don’t let it show.
This will surely be,
Your last fight faught.

No more days,
Not another chance.
No more days,
Queue the final dance.

Dark is The Night,
When the full moon rises.
Your white candle melted,
There are no more disguises.

Time for the show,
Time for final act.
This was expected,
You cannot turn back.

You know what’s coming,
You know what it does.
The fear is numbing,
This will be done.

Memories reflected back,
As much as it pains you.
You have two choices:
Face the light or,
You can face the dark.

What will it be,
The light or the dark?
Either one is key,
To make a new start.

You chose the dark,
Well done, you pass.
It now consumes you,
No more pain, alas.
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wisemann210 wrote:Dark is The Night
Yayers! A long poem! My favorite! Anyway, let's get to work. I'm not as mean today :twisted: so maybe it won't be as harsh.

Dark is the night,
When the full moon rises.
A single candlestick white,
Burns, melts with lies.


(
Dark is the night.
Full moons rise.
Candle stick white,
Melts with lies.

{The reason I totally reconstructed it is because of the length of your first line. You also don't need to say that the candlestick burns; if it's melting, lol, it burns.)






Wind howls outside,
And death grows many.
Trees crack and twist,
With the blackbird’s song.

(I liked this stanza; except for the second line and the cracking of the trees :P
Winds howl outside
Death grows many
Trees writhe and twist,
With the blackbird's song.)


Watch out and don’t,
Don’t get caught.
For this may be,
Your last fight faught.

(
Carefully watch
Don't get caught
For this may be
Your last fight faught

I didn't like the repetition of don't there... it didn't suit the poem
)


Give it your all,
Be the last light.
Give it your all,
Fight the last fight.
( The repetition of "give it your all" just didn't work. Try something like:
Give it your all.
Be the last light.
And at nightfall,
Fight the last fight.)


Dim is the dawn,
When the full sun rises.
A candle flickers out,
And with it the lies.
(Purrrrr-fect-o! I liked this one a lot!^)

The wind breeze slows,
And the people awaken.
Trees stand at attention,
With the bluebird’s song.

(wind and breeze are literally the same thing.

The wind slows.
And people awaken.
Trees stand erect,
With the bluebirds song)




Don’t be still with fear,
And do not get caught.
For this won’t be,
Your last fight faught.

(
Don't halt in fear
And don't get caught
Let this not be
Your last fight faught

{"Be still with fear" sounds awkward in a poem, and I don't actually like it here... I know it's not my poem and I keep changing your poems-- alot, but this stanza worked out a bit awkward for me.)


You have another day,
To soak seas of sun.
You have another day,
It will soon be done.

(
One more day,
To soak seas of sun.
You have another day,
It will soon be done.
{There's something awkward-ish here; or maybe I am reading it wrong.)



Diminished is the dusk,
When the full sun lowers.
A candle lights up,
Sparking lies and hate.


(Diminished means... like lowered and gone-ish. My mind is playing games with me so I can't think properly. How about... we need a word like "present".)

Manifested is dusk
When the full sun lowers.
A candle lights up.
Sparking lies and hate.




The wind picks up,
And the people tire more.
Trees bend to the bird,
With it’s screechful song.

(
The wind picks up,
And the people tire.
Trees bend to the bird,
With the screeching song.

"Tire more" isn't actually necessary; I know it flowed a bit more with song than more, but whatever, i'm confusing myself. :lol: perhaps I shouldn't be reviewing.)



Your fear magnifies,
But don’t let it show.
This will surely be,
Your last fight faught.

(
Fear increases,
Let not is show
This surely will be
Your last fight faught)


No more days,
Not another chance.
No more days, (Could you change this with something? I'm not so sure what... but substitute it xD)
Queue the final dance.


Dark is The Night,
When the full moon rises.
Your white candle melted,
There are no more disguises.

(
Dark is the night,
When full moons rise.
Candles melted
No more's disguised

{Seemed to flow a bit better... I'm torturing myself for changing so much :twisted:
)



Time for the show,
Time for final act.
This was expected,
You cannot turn back.

(
Time has come
For the final act
The final show
You can't turn back

{silly you, of course it was expected. Heh, you don't need the line "This was expected")


You know what’s coming,
You know what it does.
The fear is numbing,
This will be done.

(Good. Something whispered it may use change, but I think it's good. )


Memories reflected back,
As much as it pains you.
You have two choices:
Face the light or,
You can face the dark.

(Five line stanza in the middle of a four-line-stanza poem, hmm? Tsk tsk.
Memories of the past
Leave choices few;
Face the light or dark
To torture you

{I butchered that, didn't I >:(})


What will it be,
The light or the dark?
Either one is key,
To make a new start.

(
Will it be
The light or dark?
Both the key
For a new start

[I didn't like the other way; so much for me being nice today!]
)


You chose the dark,
Well done, you pass.
It now consumes you,
No more pain, alas.

(
Choose the dark,
And you may pass
It now consumes you,
No more pain, alas.
)



Something is wrong with me :lol: I think I had too little sleep and have gone crazy or something because, I just can't think and I feel like I changed too much of your poem. Anywhoo, here it is with my whatever-you-want-to-call-it revisions:

Dark is the night.
Full moons rise.
Candle stick white,
Melts with lies.

Winds howl outside
Death grows many
Trees writhe and twist,
With the blackbird's song.

Carefully watch
Don't get caught
For this may be
Your last fight fought

Give it your all.
Be the last light.
And at nightfall,
Fight the last fight.


Dim is the dawn,
When the full sun rises.
A candle flickers out,
And with it the lies.

The wind slows.
And people awaken.
Trees stand erect,
With the bluebirds song

Don't halt in fear
And don't get caught
Let this not be
Your last fight fought

One more day,
To soak seas of sun.
You have another day,
It will soon be done.

Manifested is dusk
When the full sun lowers.
A candle lights up.
Sparking lies and hate.


The wind picks up,
And the people tire.
Trees bend to the bird,
With the screeching song.


Fear increases,
Let not is show
This surely will be
Your last fight fought


No more days,
Not another chance.
No more days,
Queue the final dance.

Dark is the night,
When full moons rise.
Candles melted
No more's disguised


Time has come
For the final act
The final show
You can't turn back

You know what’s coming,
You know what it does.
The fear is numbing,
This will be done.

Memories of the past,
Leave choices few;
Face the light or dark,
To torture you.

Will it be
The light or dark?
Both the key,
For a new start.


Choose the dark,
And you may pass.
It now consumes you,
No more pain, alas.


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:smt010 that was really harsh!

I don't like how you changed it, it doesn't sound right if you read it. sorry.

Thanks for the review!


---Jon---
I mean you changed the whole meaning!
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One thing I think you should be aware of: it sometimes rhymes, and sometimes doesn't. Maybe you meant to do that?

death grows many


Shouldn't that be "deaths grow many"?

The wind breeze slows


It's redundant. "Wind" means basically the same as "breeze."

Overall, a very well-done poem.




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I don't want to be technical so I'm just going to give you general feedback:

Things that struck me about your poem:
1) Really long: I feel like i shouldn't be thinking about the length of it when I read this. Basically, the repetition, though enforcing the general theme, detaches the reader. I feel like this poem is really important you (maybe?) but it surely wasn't important to me. So, in efforts to keep the reader involved, I think you need to develop more vividly in what context the scenario is going on.
2) Repetitious: Uh, I like how the candle wax was getting lower and lower and it mirrored the urgency to make a decision, but I don't think all those stanzas were needed. You could really cut it down. For example,

"Diminished is the dusk,

When the full sun lowers.

A candle lights up,

Sparking lies and hate."

and

"Dim is the dawn,

When the full sun rises.

A candle flickers out,

And with it the lies"

Poetry is about having a lot of meaning in as little words as possible. I feel like you did the opposite of the task.
3) Imagery: It's good in some parts like in concerns to the candle, but then any allusion to the night and coming sun is lacking.
4) Vague: Who is "you"? You have to understand that it's very difficult to get your audience to feel the way you want them to feel or to even evoke feeling in an audience. I feel like I understand what your poem is about--I'm guessing it's the fight/decision to end you life instead of living through the pain--I'm hoping that's where you're headed, but anyone who hasn't read "Hamlet" is basically in the dark here.




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Thankyou kyte!

yes, the rhyme is supposed to be that way.

I will try and rephrase the whole breeze/wind thing!

Thankyou


---Jon---
:D
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I think that this has really good structure. I thought it was well written, and the candle burning part was I think my biggest attack on it. That is only because if its lit of course its burning, and melting. I don't mean that to be harsh but still that is kind of a no brainer. Sorry if that sounds bad.. And how it rhymed and sometimes it didn't I thought that gave it a personal touch. Overall nice work. :)
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Thanks Dark angel!
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Haha, what can I say? Springrain2693 basically pointed out most of the faults, and a few unnecessary ones at that. I found your poem to be a bit redundant and a little self-contradicting (or maybe it's just me). Personally, I think that repetition is a tricky thing to pull off, unless you're writing a villanelle (look it up, I'm too lazy too explain), and even then, it's pretty tough. Overall, 'twas pretty good. :D
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