Murder at Hampton's ~ Two

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 208
This chapter is revised.

The moment we stepped outside, the bitter winter air hit us. I tightly wrapped my scarf around me, as I heard Nixie brrr.
We both walked down the front porch, and I brought out the key and unlocked the door to my car. It was my dad's car until he bought the new one. This Black Honda Civic is like my own precious baby that I can take care of. I just loved it.
“Man, it's so cold in here.” Nixie said as she shivered.
“I told you-”
“Oh, just put the heater on, please.”
Sliding the silver key into the ignition, I put the heater on high, warm air blasting us from the vents. Putting the car in reverse, I slid backwards out of the driveway. Pulling it back into drive, I started off down the street towards the school, admiring the little suburban homes along the way.
“Hey, Kate can I listen to anything on the radio?”
“Sure.” I kept my eyes on the road, while watching my sides, stop signs, and so on.
She pushed the radio button and a song went on. The moment we heard the song play, I heard Nixie gasp. “Hey, I love this song!” Nixie said enthusiastically.
Thinking of the song, I said, “Me, too.”
As the song ended the commentator went on, “Hey, everyone. This is America's Top 20. Don't go anywhere, 'cause we'll be right back with the number one hit single.”
“I had no idea you liked that song, Kate.”
“Yeah, well I'm not really into music like that. But I do like that song. So it's an exception.”
“Oh, okay.” I could tell she was depressed a little at my response. Nixie was more into hip hop as I was into indie and alternative genres. She always tried to convert me to the other side of the music genres. But I never gave up what I love listening to.
“Don't be down, Nixie. So like what do you think the number one is?”
“Oh my god! I bet it's that one song by that R&B female singer song that just came out awhile ago.”
“Who is it? ”
“I can't remember, though.” I glanced at her as she shrugged.
After a few minutes of talking about hit songs, we hit the parking lot to the school. Turning off the engine we got out into the crisp air of December. Walking around the side of the car, Nixie mentioned something, “So I guess I'll see you later then.”
“Right. You're going to that party?”
“Hopefully. Well bye, Kate.”
“See ya, Nixie.”
She turned down the path to the other section of the school, while I walked in the opposite direction. Walking into the school, I saw some of my classmates. I said my “hi”'s and “what's up” to some acquaintances but kept on walking to my locker.
Going up on one of the side staircases I noticed that not a lot of people were at school today. Maybe they wanted an extra day off from school.
Getting to my colorless locker, I turned for the combination and opened. I had your basic pictures of my family and friends. You know, that sort of thing.
“So are you going, Cece?” I heard the awkward voice of Andy coming by.
With closing my locker and having my books in my bag, I saw Andy and Cece walking over.
“God, no. There is no way that I'm going.”
“Do you have to be so dramatic, Cece?”
“Yes. Let's ask Kate, then.” Cece looked away from Andy and glanced at me, “Kate are you planning to go to Skylar Adam's party tonight?”
“Huh?” They had to be talking about that. “No way! Nixie was going over it too much this morning with mom. Saying that everyone at school is going.” Rolling my eyes at the thought of this morning was giving me a headache.
“See, Andy. No one's going.” Cece was trying to make a point but I couldn't figure out why.
“Andy. Why are you asking for?” I asked without trying to be rude.
“Cause-”
“Cause Brooke Phillips is going.” Cece said flatly as she twisted her hair around her index finger. Brooke Phillips was one of those popular, cheerleaders, but friendly that everyone was friends with. You either wanted to be like her, or go out with her. It was simple like that. And for Andy, he wanted to ask her out.
We both turned to Cece, while Andy said, “Oh, go ahead and say it, Cece. But maybe you don't know that Draven McRoy is going.”
“That is such a lie. Where'd you hear that from? Ollie Hudson?” Cece didn't know Ollie that much as I did. So it gave her no right to say that.
“Cece.” I tried to say in calming voice. Except we were cut off from the five minute bell. “Gotta go guys. See you at lunch.”
“Bye, Kate!” Andy called out over the voices of the loud students.
I smiled goodbye at my two best friends and walked into my first period class. As I sat down at a random seat, Naomi Wilson came by.
“Hey, Kate. Mind if I sit next to you?”
“Sure.” I moved over a little bit for her to have enough room to sit at the medium-sized table. “So how's the family doing?” She pulled out her notebook, with her smiling at me. Her straight, long brunette hair fell over her eyes as she pushed them behind her ear.
I was friends with Naomi since middle school and we both had the passion to write. She loved poetry while for me I loved fiction. We were close enough talk about life and things, but this was the only class we took together.
“The family's doing great. Dad's at work and so is mom. And Nixie is always acting the same, emotional person, she was made to be.” Naomi laughed but not loud enough for people to hear.
As the bell rang, Mrs. Jackson came in, dressed in her black attire shooing students to take their seats. “Morning everyone.” She came in the middle of the room and spoke, “So knowing this is the 19th, I don't think I have any homework for you guys to do over the break. But let me go check.”
With Jackson checking over her large, teacher calendar, Naomi whispered something to me, “Man, I hope we have no work to do.”
“Me too.” I whispered back. We smiled but we both knew our luck would be cut short. My first period Creative Writing class was one of my favorite senior classes I'd had so far this year.
“Okay, class.” Jackson walked back and calmed the students gossip down, “So I guess I have no homework for you guys over the break.”
Some of the guys in the back, clapped a high five with their friends. “Boys, calm down. Now class, that doesn't mean you can't do some extra credit. If you're failing in here, you might as well do some writing over the break. But I can't think how you would fail in my creative writing class.”
She checked her watch and spoke, “Well, I guess you guys have the rest of the class period to do whatever you like. But, don't be so loud, because I'm going to be on the phone.” With Jackson talking on the phone, I moved my seat so I could talk easily with Naomi.
“So Naomi, you know how Mrs. Jackson makes us write in our Dream Journal every morning?”
She pulled her right leg over the other one, as she said, “Yeah, what about it? Why, did you have any weird dreams last night?”
I shook my head, “Yeah, I did.”
“Okay, tell me. We do have all class period to do anything.”
“Right.” I closed my eyes for a second and thought about last night's dream. “I saw twirling couples in gorgeous gowns dancing to the melodies of the orchestra.”
“Huh?” Naomi muttered under her breath.
Reliving the dream, I opened my eyes, “It was so weird. I felt like I was actually there. I mean, I saw through someone's eyes.
I was in some sort of house, watching people dance. Maybe it was the waltz, but I don't know. Anyway, all of a sudden the people grew into a crowd and watched as two girls glide down the golden staircase.
They were dressed in these gowns, that were puffy in the back and wore dark colors. Most of the females had on, gloves and jewelry. Lots of it, and curly hair that were in buns. I guess it was something people wouldn't wear nowadays.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don't know. It looked liked something from the past.”
I paused as I saw Naomi with a questionable expression. “Go on, Kate.”
“Then it was like something bad had happened. I was seeing through the person's eyes then next it was through third person.”
“What do you mean bad?”
“Well, first off I wasn't wearing any of my own clothes.”
“Huh?” Naomi's eyes widened a bit at my statement.
“No, not like that. I mean I was wearing a dress like those females.”
“Okay.” I could tell she wasn't getting it, so I continued.
“To the point, I saw blood pouring out of some guy's chest, screaming from these chicks dressed in the same attire as me. Oh, and I saw a gun.”
“You mean a revolver.”
“Yeah, that. It so weird. It was like I was in my great great, whatever grandmother's shoes. And then the strangest thing happened.”
“What?”
“I was actually the person and that guy with the revolver pointed the gun at me.” I paused while I heard Naomi gasp. “It was just pain and more pain. Then my phone went off.”
“That is weird. I've never really had dreams like that before.”
“I know. I just wondered what it meant.” Thinking over the dream I had, I thought of Naomi, “So did you have any dreams last night?”
The moment I said those last words, her face lit up. “Uh-huh. Okay, here's what happened...”
As Naomi went on, the bell eventually rang and we grabbed our things. “Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you after break then.”
“Sure, Kate. Have a nice Christmas.” Naomi's lip curved up in a cheerful smile.
“You too.”
“Class have a nice Christmas break and I'll see you in two weeks.” Mrs. Jackson called out as everyone went out into passing period.
Last edited by Merry_Haven on Mon Feb 02, 2009 11:28 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 273
I would like to say thank you for those who have reviewed the last two parts. Thanks, Sarah and Kristen! It's Kirsten, sorry I seriously have an obsession with correcting people :lol: It means a lot and your criticism helps me improve a little more each day. And of course, they always make my day even a little brighter. Aw, you're too nice, I never even have any criticism for you :lol:




[b]There are references of music that came out awhile ago. I didn't feel like updating new music and plus, I started writing this back in the beginning of November.


Man, I talk to much. Bad, Merry. Anyway, harsh reviews are always welcomed. Enjoy, reading! Hahah I talk too much too :lol:


The moment we stepped outside, the bitter winter air hit us. I tightly wrapped my scarf around me, as I heard Nellie brrr. [b]This sentence had me in hysterics for some reason, I find the word brr really funny :lol: hahaha I don't know why, I guess it's just my strange-ness
!

We both walked down the front porch, and I brought out the key and unlocked the door to my car. It was my dad's car until he bought the new one. So this Black Honda Civic is like my own precious baby to take care of.Should it not be past tense here? I just love it.

Hitting the unlock button, Nellie came inside as we both shut the door.

“Man, it's so cold in here.” Nellie said as she was shivering. Maybe you should have as she shivered here.

“I told you-”

“Oh, just put the heater on, please.”

Putting the key in the ignition, I pushed the heater button on. Pulling the car in reverse, I drove out of the driveway. Shifting out of reverse, we drove down the street on the way to school.

“Hey, Kat can I listen to anything on the radio?”

“Sure.” I kept my eyes on the road, with I take it you meant while here watching my sides, stop signs, and so on.

She pushed the radio button and a song went on.

Its It's not its like I've waited my whole life for

This one night it's gonna be me you and

The dance floor cause

“Hey, I love this song!” Nellie said enthusiastically.

We've only got one life

Double your pleasure

Double your fun and dance

Forever (ever, ever)

Forever (ever, ever)

Forever (ever, ever)

Thinking of the song, I said, “Me, too.”

Forever girl forever

Forever (ever, ever)

Forever (ever, ever)

Forever (ever, ever)

Forever on the dance floor

As the song ended the commentator went on, “Hey, everyone. That was just Chris Brown's Forever song, hitting at number two on today's America's Top 20. Don't go anywhere, 'cause we'll be right back with the number one hit single.” Hahah I really love the bits where you have the radio speaking, it's realistic, I can imagine him saying that!

“I had no idea you liked that song, Kat”

“Yeah, well I'm not really into music like that. But I do like that song. So it's an exception.”

“Oh, okay.” I could tell she was depressed a little at my response.

“Don't be down, Nellie. So like what do you think the number one is?”

“Oh my god! I bet it's Rihanna's Disturbia song that just came out awhile ago.”

“Isn't that your ring tone?”

“Yep.” I was glad she wasn't down anymore.

After a few minutes of talking about hit songs, we hit the parking lot to the school. Turning off the engine we got out into the crisp air of December. I really like that sentence :lol: Walking around the side of the car, Nellie mentioned something, “So I guess I'll see you later then.”

“Right. You're going to that party?”

“Hopefully. Well bye, Kat.”

“See ya, Nellie.”

She turned down the path to the other section of the school, while I walked in the opposite direction. Walking into the school, I saw some of my classmates. I said my “hi”'s and “what's up” to some acquaintances but kept on walking to my locker.

Going up on one of the side staircases I noticed that not a lot of people were at school today. Maybe they wanted an extra day off from school.

Getting to my colorless locker, I turned for the combination and opened. I had pictures of my family and friends. It was your basic high school girl locker.

“So are you going, Cece?” I heard the awkward voice of Andy coming by. Cece, is that short for Cecil, the name you mentioned in the first chapter? Sorry if it's not, I may sound completely retarded :loll:

With closing my locker and having my books in my bag, I saw Andy and Cece walking over.

“God, no. There is no way that I'm going.”

“Do you have to be so dramatic, Cece?”

“Yes. Let's ask Kat, then.” Cece looked away from Andy and glanced at me, “Kat are you planning to go to Skylar Adam's party tonight?”

“Huh?” They had to be talking about that. “No way! Nellie was going over it too much this morning with mom. Saying that everyone at school is going.” Rolling my eyes at the thought of this morning was giving me a headache.

“See, Andy. No ones You meant one's here right? For one is. going.” Cece was trying to make a point but I couldn't figure out why.

“Andy. Why are you asking for?” I asked without trying to be rude.

“Cause-”

“Cause Brooke Phillips is going.” Cece said flatly as she was twisting her hair around her index finger. Brooke Phillips was one of those popular, cheerleaders, but friendly that everyone was friends with. You either wanted to be like her, or go out with her. It was simple like that. And for Andy, he wanted to ask her out.

We both turned to Cece, while Andy said, “Oh, go ahead and say it, Cece. But maybe you don't know that Draven McRoy is going.”

“That is such a lie. Where'd you hear that from? Ollie Hudson?” Cece didn't know Ollie that much as I did. So it gave her no right to say that.

“Cece.” I tried to say in calming voice. Except we were cut off from the five minute bell. “Gotta go guys. See you at lunch.”

“Bye, Kat!” Andy called out over the voices of the loud students.

I smiled goodbye at my two best friends and walked into my first period class. As I sat down at a random seat, Naomi Wilson came by.

“Hey, Kat. Mind if I sit next to you?”

“Sure.” I moved over a little bit for her to have enough room to sit at the medium-sized table. “So how's the family doing?” She pulled out her notebook, with her smiling at me. Her straight, long brunette hair fell over her eyes as she pushed them behind her ear. I was friends with Naomi since middle school and we both had the passion to write. She loved poetry while for me I loved fiction. We were close enough talk about life and things, but this was the only class we took together.

“The family's doing great. Dad's at work and so is mom. And Nellie is always acting the same, emotional person, she was made to be.” Naomi laughed but not loud enough for people to hear.

As the bell rang, Mrs. Jackson came in, dressed in her black attire shooing students to take their seats. I like that sentence ;) “Morning everyone.” She came in the middle of the room and spoke, “So knowing this is the 19th, I don't think I have any homework for you guys to do over the break. But let me go check.”

With Jackson checking over her large, teacher calendar, Naomi whispered something to me, “Man, I hope we have no work to do.”

“Me too.” I whispered back. We both smiled but we both knew our luck would be cut short. My first period Creative Writing class was one of my favorite senior classes I'd had so far this year.

“Okay, class.” Jackson walked back and calmed the students gossip down, “So I guess I have no homework for you guys over the break.” Some of the guys in the back, clapped a high five with their friends. “Boys, calm down. Now class, that doesn't mean you can't do some extra credit. If you're failing in here, you might as well do some writing over the break. But I can't think how you would fail in my creative writing class.” She checked her watch and spoke, “Well, I guess you guys have the rest of the class period to do whatever you like. But, don't be so loud, because I'm going to be on the phone.” With Jackson talking on the phone, I moved my seat so I could talk easily with Naomi.

“So Naomi, you know how Mrs. Jackson makes us write in our Dream Journal every morning?”

She pulled her right leg over the other one, as she said, “Yeah, what about it? Why, did you have any weird dreams last night?”

I shook my head, “Yeah, I did.”

“Okay, tell me. We do have all class period to do anything.”

“Right.” I closed my eyes for second and thought about last night's dream. Reliving the dream, I opened my eyes, “It was so weird. I felt like I was actually there. I mean, that can't be possible right?”

She shrugged her shoulders, “I don't know.”

“It was like something bad had happened. I was seeing through the person's eyes then next it was through third person.”

“What do you mean bad?”

“Well, first off I wasn't wearing any of my own clothes.”

“Huh?” Naomi's eyes widened a bit at my statement.

“No, not like that. I mean I was wearing some sort of dress out of those trashy historical romance novels.”

“Okay.” I could tell she wasn't getting what I was even getting at.

“To the point, I saw blood pouring out of some guy's chest, screaming from these chicks dressed in the same attire as me. Oh, and I saw a gun.”

“You mean a revolver.”

“Yeah, that. It as so weird. It was like I was in my great great, whatever grandmother's shoes.”

“That is weird. I've never really had dreams like that before.”

“I know. I just wondered what it meant.” Thinking over the dream I had, I thought of Naomi, “So did you have any dreams last night?”

The moment I said those last words, her face lit up. “Uh-huh. Okay, here's what happened...”

As Naomi went on, the bell eventually rang and we grabbed our things. “Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you after break then.”

“Sure, Kat. Have a nice Christmas.” Naomi's lip curved up in a cheerful smile.

“You too.”

“Class have a nice Christmas break and I'll see you in two weeks.” Mrs. Jackson called out as everyone went out into passing period.

I really liked this chapter. Again it flowed really well, there might be a few grammar mistakes but I'm sure other people'll pick up on them, I tend not to point them out as much :lol: The characters are well developed so far, and I'm still in love with the name Nellie. I now pronounce her my favourite character ! T'was great I'm looking forward to the next chapter
-Kirsten x
for what are we without words and stories?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 208
Lost_in_dreamland-
Thanks Kristen! I absolutely love your comments! They seriously make me laugh. :lol:

Cece came from the name Cecelia. But other than that, I won't give it away. You'll just have to see about the future chapters. :wink:

Thanks again!

-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1075
Reviews 842
I just love it.


"Loved" instead of "love"

Putting the key in the ignition, I pushed the heater button on. Pulling the car in reverse, I drove out of the driveway. Shifting out of reverse, we drove down the street on the way to school.


Okay, this is what I was talking about. Putting the key in... Pulling the car in reverse... shifting out of reverse... You don't need that. Instead, try to describe, more than tell. Maybe to something like: Sliding the silver key into the ignition, I put the heater on high, warm air blasting us from the vents. Putting the car in reverse, I slide backwards out of the driveway, careful of not going too fast over the large curb at the end. Pulling it back into drive, I started off down the street towards school, admiring the little suburbian homes as we went along. This way, you create a picture in the person's head instead of just telling us line by line what your characters are doing. You don't have to do it like I did, but this might give you ideas for further installments and revisions :wink:

I kept my eyes on the road, with watching my sides, stop signs, and so on.


I would use "while" instead of "with"

I could tell she was depressed a little at my response.


Why would she be drepressed that her sister doesn't like the same music as she does? I would go into more detail here.

Cece said flatly as she was twisting her hair around her index finger.


This is kind of awkward. Maybe try: Cece said flatly, twisting her hair around her index finger or Cece said flatly as she twisted her hair around her index finger. Either one is fine :wink:

We both smiled but we both knew our luck would be cut short.


Too many "both"s so close together. I would just cut one out.

I could tell she wasn't getting what I was even getting at.


Awkward. Maybe try: I could tell that she wasn't getting it, so I continued or something like that. Just can't have two "getting"'s in a row.

~ ~ ~

This was my favorite chapter so far, Merry. I just liked the feel of it.

My only suggestion would be when she is telling about the dream to Naomi, maybe have some flashbacks of it, just so the reader knows what she's talking about. Like, as Kat is talking, have her imagining it as she goes, you know?

Otherwise, PM me when you post more!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 208
ashleylee-
Ugh!! Man, this is totally killing me. I have got to stop over telling things. It's driving me crazy!

Hmmm. I'll try out the dream scenario. Thanks for that point.

Thanks for the review!

-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2242
Reviews 695
I am back, my friend!

This critique pretty much mirrors Ashley's. I liked this a lot, and I hope you continue this. Just add flashbacks of the dream or something to make it seem more realistic. You already know about the telling, so I'm not going to nag you or anything. You're a great writer. Just don't stress yourself out with this, let the words come easily. I wish you all the luck in writing this and please PM me when you post the next chapter.

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 208
Angel of Death-
Thank you, Angel. Your comments are too nice. :wink:

I will edit and revise today, when I have finished your Jane Effect story.

I will definitely pm you, when three goes up. Thanks, again!

-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote