As if I was in Love Chp 2 (edited)

pshhxhoney · 2008-10-11T00:57:52Z

Chapter Two “I need to go back for my stuff, at least the necessities.” I said sitting on a chair in Aaron’s room. His mom wasn’t home because she worked as a nurse during the night and through half of the next day. “How will you get your things when your freaking mom kicked you out?” Aaron asked, sitting on his bed. “I didn’t think of that. I really don’t know. Maybe I can climb in through a window and get my things quietly and quickly.” I said, thinking out loud. I started biting my nails, showing that I was more nervous on the inside than I was showing on the outside. “What if your mom is there?” “Then, I will literally be dead!” “Not funny. You know how your mother can be. She can and will beat you, Rebecca.” As I replayed Aaron’s words in my head, I thought about my mother, how whenever dad left she would beat me, or if I did something good -which she usually thought was bad- she would beat me. I thought about the bruises I usually got from her. I thought about walking into school with those bruises. My friends and random people asking me what happened because, the bruises were so big, dark, and was on most of my body. Ever since I was ten, five years later! Then, I thought I don’t want that. “You’re right, but I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I’ll take my chances.” I whispered to him thoughtfully. “Maybe I should come with you.” He said, getting up. “No,” I said firmly, getting up. I left the room and started down the stairs. “Wait! Becca! Don’t! You can get hurt!” Aaron called, running up to me from behind. “Stop, I don’t want you to get hurt.” I said over my shoulder. Aaron grabbed my arm and stopped me. “At least let me drive you there and I’ll park the car at the corner.” Aaron suggested. I paused for a second and reconsidered my options, “Fine. Let’s go.” I said opening, and walking out the door. ... Aaron stopped that car at the corner and looked at me. “If you are not out in fifteen minutes I’m going in for you.” He said with a serious tone. “You don’t have to do this.” I said, not looking at him. “I know, but I want to.” He answered. I looked at him, he was smiling. I became lightheaded from his smile, it was enchanting. I looked at Aaron, and took him all in. His bright blue eyes, dark brown hair, full lips, big nose, but he made it work. He was gorgeous, and there was no denying it. “Fifteen minutes.” He said, leaning across me to open the door. Smiling, I got out of the car and started walking to my house. My house was a tiny house, that was a nice white color and had shutters the covered our windows. In the front the grass was over grown and many plants were dead (which was not good since it was spring). I saw a midnight blue car parked in front of the house, but it wasn’t my Mother’s car so, I didn’t worry. I walked to the side of the house, knowing the front door would be locked, and climbed a tree. I got onto a branch nearest to the window to my room. I reached the window and opened it, pulling myself in after. I stood up in my room, which held one single bed, dresser, and desk. Searching through my dresser I heard noises coming from my mother’s room. I ignored it and got my necessities out of my room and walked to the bathroom, I got my toothbrush, hairbrush, and my favorite perfume. The noises got louder from my mother’s room and I couldn’t ignore it. Slowly, I walked down the hall to my mother’s room. The door was closed, but the noises got louder. I slowly turned the doorknob and opened the door to a shocking site. My mother in a major make out session with a man on her bed, half naked (her pants and the man’s pants were still on). Quietly, I tried to walk out of the room, but I took a step and the floor creaked. My mother looked up with worry on her face then, the worry turning to pure anger. She jumped off the bed making the man turn to see me too. I started backing away, but she ran and rammed me on the floor. “What are you doing here?!” She yelled at me, pinning me to the floor. “Elizabeth? What are you doing? Who is this?” The man asked with worry in his voice. “Nothing, honey, just talking to my friend,” She answered with a sickening sweetness in her voice. I tried to fight her pin, but she held me down and I was too weak in her grasp. “What are you doing here?” She asked again with evilness in her voice. “Get off of me!” I yelled at her, trying to fight her pin again. I couldn’t get out and I started to feel tears stinging my eyes. “Little Baby, I told you never to come back to this house again,” She yelled at me punching me right in the gut. The air got knocked out of me, and I couldn’t breathe few minutes. I regained my breath and put my feet under my belly, pushed my legs up. My mother flew to the side of me, leaving me time to get up and run. I got up and moved my leg, but my mother grabbed it and I fell right onto my face. “Let go of me!” I yelled, trying to get my leg out of her grasp. She dragged me under her and started punching me, leaving me hurt and crying. I tried to fight back, but she was too strong for me. She took another jab and at me and, I started to bleed. “You little brat,” She yelled, while punching me. “Get off of me, hag!” I yelled at her. “What did you call me?!” She yelled, stopping the punches. “I called you a hag!” I yelled back at her. She took a jab at my face, making me feel the blood from it escape onto my skin. I started to space in and out. Then, I heard it. “Get off of her!” It was Aaron’s voice. Then, I felt my mother’s body weight off of me and, that’s when everything went black. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hoped you liked it! =]

Hey, pshhxhoney! I apologize in being so slow in getting to this.

Hopefully this review helps!

“I didn’t think of that. I really don’t know. Maybe I can climb in through a window and get my things quietly and quickly.”

I don’t like the “quietly and quickly” thing. I would just cut that out. In dialogue, you have to try and think at it as, would I say that? Would a person actually say that? That sort of thing. It makes it easier :wink:

Aaron stopped that car at the corner and looked at me.

I would say “the” car instead of “that” car

She asked again with evilness in her voice.

I would find a different word beside “evilness”. Maybe use “animosity” or “hostility”

All right, you have a good continuation, pshhxhoney, but there are some things I noticed:

1. “LY” WORDS. You use these two frequently :wink:

Try to vary up your sentence structure by describing rather than just using an “ly” word in place of it.

2. SCENE ONE. It was in the beginning between Aaron and your MC. I think that the dialogue there could be improved on a little. It was good until it got to the part in the car; then it was a little awkward. Just try to think like you are actually responding to these things and it will come easier.

3. ENDING SCENE. The part with the mother was a little over the top

I don’t mean that rudely but the first question that popped into my head was, what is this poor man thinking during all this? Would he stand up for the MC? Also, why would the mother call her a sweet name when she’s beating the crap out of her? I would use something else there :wink:

Otherwise, you have a good start. Just reading it out loud will probably help with the awkward sentences.

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