Darkness

Seems like just about every other day
she's breaking down
nowhere to be found
pushed up against the wall
slowly losing it all
she wonder's what else is there left to fear
Tells herself she's not here
commanded to dance
she plunges further
round and round go her strings
In an endless waltz she'll spin
Further into her oblivion...

Its lacking something that I cant quite put my finger on any suggestions? Much thanks
Arashi

ahh, my favourite subject...

Seems like just about every other day

she's breaking down

nowhere to be found

pushed up against the wall

slowly losing it all

she wonder's what else is there left to fear

Tells herself she's not here

commanded to dance

she plunges further

round and round go her strings

In an endless waltz she'll spin

Further into her oblivion...

first up, awsome! nicely done indeed
you changed the pace a fair bit that's probably why it seems a bit... mmm... jumbled... is that a good word for it?
though bravo on your efforts i really liked it

keep on writing,

-grimy

I could kiss you hahaha its nice to be appreciated lol

Great job Arashi! This was a very nice piece and I liked it very much. I loved the subject that it was pushing towards. Once again, great job. Keep writing!