the light of day (edited)

I don't really like this version, the emotions portrayed sounds off to me..... but i want to know what you think of this edited longer version.....

she wanted to die
yet still
she smiled
she wanted to cry
yet still
she hid
she held it all inside her
she smiled it all away
hoping to wake up
to find it gone some day
hoping with all her might
just to please
please just to die
to never have to see
the light of day again
never to have to look
into her mother's hopeful eyes
only to let her down
with all of her empty lies
the lies that would come back to her
and take her life away
the lies that would haunt her
every night, and every day
all she wished
all she hoped for
was to never have to see
the light of day again

This is, surprisingly, not as cliched as I thought it would be. I saw the title the first time and thought, "Oh, more teenage angst to fill up the forum." (Not that teenage angst is bad, by the way. I've written a fairy bit of angsty poetry in my time. Writing a poem is all about observing the world within you or around you. You can write about anything from love to the rusty gate at the old farm. As long as you are enjoying it or finding it releases something from inside you, you're on the right track.)

The point is, though, angsty poetry isn't going to be remembered as it has nothing original about it. IF you're serious about writing for some-one other than yourself, angst isn't the way to go. Which proves that you are serious, as this obviously isn't angst. [/rant]

This, however, is quite an emotional poem. It actually made me empathize with the protagonist instead of sighing over how much the character was moaning. It was a very good example of how any piece of writing should make the reader feel close to the characters in the piece - as that is what draws them in.

You have a good start, now you need to elaborate. Emotions are obviously your strong point so improve on that. Emotions are what make poems, and if you lie about your emotions it can be easily sensed in the poem. Write them down as quickly as possible, and when you're done, go through the list and look for connections or certain items that get your creative juices flowing.

What you lack is details, surroundings, explanations, a story. I'm all for abstract poetry, but it has to be more than just a string of feelings. Elaborate.

Read and listen to poetry. Whether someone who has never seen a sonnet nor heard haiku can truly be a poet is an open question. It is almost certain, though, that any poet who has been published or who has garnered any following enhanced their skills by reading or listening to good poetry, even if they later scoffed at conventional notions of what was "good." "Good" poems fall into three categories: those that are recognized as classics, those that seem to be popular, and those that you personally like. Poems typically being short, there is no reason not to explore plenty of both.

Good luck with it!

xxx

hoping with all he might

Just a simple typo here. It should be "Her".

But I completely agree with what Castle said. Its a very emotional piece and has a great amount of potential as you do with writing more things like this if you can include more detail. Fill out your surroundings even if its just with colors and sounds. Elaboration is a wonderful thing!

~Leapy