"My World"--Poem 1

Welcome to my world, my love.
‘Tis a scary place.

I wouldn’t know.
For dawn has just begun;
The light begins to shine.
Who knows what the day will bring?

Darkness has yet to fall,
The twilight has yet to shine;
The stars have yet to show
What hides in the dead of night.

For now I’ll watch the sunrise.
Admire the brilliant colors;
Eagerly await the noon,
When the sun is high and the world is warm

And pray that the sunset,
While beautiful as the rise,
Is not a sign of darkness falling,
But the sign that another day’s begun.

Very nice imagery.

Well I'm glad you punctuated it better now. Need a full stop at the end of the last stanza though. Also the transition between the first and second lines in the second stanza is really odd 'cos you've put a full stop but then used "for" which doesn't usually start a sentence, so it's awkward. I'm still keeping my commens about the tired vocabulary throughout the piece, despite how I like the whole nature of the poem. The words "shine", "stars", "sunset" are used so much in poems (I'm guilty of this too) they've simply become overused and hence boring. If you want a better reaction I'd suggest mixing in some poersonal adjectives/adverbs to spice it up a bit and make it more "yours".

I like this. The imagery is very good.

"I wouldn’t know.
For dawn has just begun;
The light just beginning to shine.
Who knows what the day will bring?"

Personally, I would change "The light just beginning to shine." to "The light begins to shine." At first, I wondered why I thought this, and then realized that "For dawn has just begun;" has the same number of syllables. And also you might consider that "The light just beginning to shine." isn't an independent clause.

"For now I’ll watch the sunrise.
Admire the brilliant colors;
Eagerly await the noon,
When the sun is high and the world is warm."

I like this last sentence very much. It takes you there, instantly. I picture a hot air balloon above the clouds.

The last stanza confuses me. I know what you mean, but I think a slight change of word order might help it along.

I look forward to reading more of your work!

Thank you all--I changed "The light just begun to shine" (originally supposed to be "The light HAS just begun to shine"...) to "The light begins to shine," as per suggestion by Mr. Guinness...oooo....perhaps I could use "the sun begins to shine?" Would that sound okay?

I fixed Jack's punctuation stuff....I'll talk to you about the wording later Jacko, see what you can suggest for me...

Thanks again.

--Dono

This was a very pretty poem, a bit short for my taste though... I liked the first line, but the second one sounded out of place... I don't know how I can explain it but just putting it there wasn't a nice thing... because it doesn't seem so scary after reading about it.

I liked it though. Probably etch up on that second line though.
*Points to second line* You have made an enemy!

Ok, I promised.

Great use of imagery. I love the first 2 lines. I was expecting from the those lines for the rest of the poem to be just as dramatic. *shrugs* It still is a good poem though.

Welcome to my world, my love. The repetition of "my" is kind of awkward. I think deleting the second "my" would help.
‘Tis a scary place.

I wouldn’t know.
For dawn has just begun;
The light begins to shine.
Who knows what the day will bring? This is a rather open statement. Wouldn't it be cool if you expanded this philosophical question, made it a little deeper?

Darkness has yet to fall,
The twilight has yet to shine;
The stars have yet to show
What hides in the dead of night.
repetition actually works well here. But just for further insight, here is an amazing DH Lawrence poem that emphasizes repetition.
[spoiler]Bavarian gentians, big and dark, only dark
darkening the day-time, torch-like with the smoking blossoms of Pluto's gloom,
ribbed and torch-like, with their blaze of darkness spread blue
down flattening into points, flattened under the sweep of white day
torch-flower of the blue-smoking darkness, Pluto's dark-blue daze,
black lamps from the halls of Dis, burning dark blue,
giving off darkness, blue darkness, as Demeter's pale lamps give off light,
lead me then, lead the way.[/spoiler]

For now I’ll watch the sunrise.
Admire the brilliant colors;
Eagerly await the noon,
When the sun is high and the world is warm
Diction could use a little coloring here. The thesauras IS your friend :]

And pray that the sunset,
While beautiful as the rise,
Is not a sign of darkness falling,
But the sign that another day’s begun.
I like how the ending gives the poem a grasp of hope.

Diction
Words like warm, beautiful, etc; they're a bit lukewarm. They give the meaning but do not leave a lasting impression.

Bulk
For a simple poem, I quite enjoyed this. I like the meaning. Of course, it would do wonders to delve further than the surface.

Altogether, well done.

-Medusa.

Ah, nostalgia.

Thanks for the critique Medusa, though I have long since labeled myself a boldfaced "NOT A POET."

Perhaps I shall revisit the poem for a bit of tweaking ^_^

--D

perhapse a little it more words and lines into this one but good job man

How ambiguous of you! I'll take your very arbitrary advice under careful consideration!

Seriously, though--more specific?

--D