The Running Away Song

For Cassie

Your fingers played over the smooth buttons
of the CD player, and one second later
our song came on. I carried love in me
that focused specifically on that pink, thin-lipped smile
that would curl up and touch your eyes.

The chorus, you embraced it so and said
it was speaking for us: “We can leave this place
and run away.”

Two little girls saying, “Baby, let’s just run away.”

Years have played over us and taken you and I
to responsibility, to struggling for the ability
to collect funds, but if I could go back
to your poster-plastered room, I’d kiss your cheek
and carry your smile and say:

“This chorus, it embraces us so I say
it’s speaking to us: let’s leave this place
and run away.”

Two little girls saying, “Baby, we’re just running away.”

Your fingers played over the smooth buttons
of the CD player, and one second later
our song came on. I carried love in me
that focused on the fact that we were stuck in place
and never could we truly escape -

yet, if I could just hold onto you, saying, "Baby, let's just run away."

Hi Clo! You get a review from me today!

I really liked this poem. It had a sort of simplicity and innocence to it that really drew me in. I found it interesting that it seemed to repeat, but that might say something about the cyclical nature of the subject matter, love and whatnot. This poem also seems to talk about how music affects the lives of people in simple ways, so thats another cool theme.

And, that's kind of it. Sorry, I'm really not all that good with poetry, as you probably know. But this is a good poem, and I do like it a lot, even if I'm not really clear on why I like it. Good job.

Wow, it’s been such a while since I last reviewed poetry. This will be very good for me, thank you.


This was really sweet. There’s something really unique and special about, it’s different and simple.

If I was going to suggest anything, I’d suggest expanding the first part, the part of the story told in the first couple stanzas. I think there’s more you can say there. It's not a necessity, this poem doesn't really need anything. But if you wanted to, I know it would be awesome.

Clo wrote:if I could just hold onto you, saying, "Baby, let's just run away."

You’ve a fragment at the end.


Those are really the only suggestions I have to make. I’m glad you asked me to read this. It’s lovely, and really excellent.

Good job Clo


-Adna

This was a nice poem. It like as Conrad said, the way music affects people.

Your fingers played over the smooth buttons
of the CD player, and one second later
our song came on. I carried love in me
that focused specifically on that pink, thin-lipped smile
that would curl up and touch your eyes.

In this stanza, you should change many things. It should be "I carried the love in me, that was focused specifically on that pink, thin-lipped smile, which would curl up and touch your eyes" And the first line and the second line did not seem to match. As you first say about a song and then say about your love for the other person.

Two little girls saying, “Baby, let’s just run away.”

I doubt two "little" girls will this.

Years have played over us and taken you and I
to responsibility, to struggling for the ability
to collect funds, but if I could go back
to your poster-plastered room, I’d kiss your cheek
and carry your smile and say:

This stanza should be, "Years had played over us, and had taken you and I to responsibility, to
struggle for the ability to collect funds."

I carried love in me
that focused on the fact that we were stuck in place
and never could we truly escape -

It should be, "I carried the love in me, that was focused on the fact that we were stuck in one place and never could we truly escape.

Well, I kinda like this poem. It seem to me that you were struggling to run away.

Good luck.

Hey Clo!

Sorry I took my time getting back to this

that focused specifically on that pink, thin-lipped smile
That "specifically" just isn't doing a lot for that sentence and it draws from a rather nice line.

I'm actually short of what to say. Perhaps I should review more poetry or whatnot. Generally, I thought it worked well. it might be nice to have a line or two extra from the song and try and relate it to these two people.

to struggling for the ability
to collect funds,
Combine these for a better effect. Why not: "struggling to collect funds." No need to tell us about an ability to do it

Two little girls saying, “Baby, let’s just run away.”
Why little? Perhaps a soft voice, or sweet sound, but show us then, don't tell. That's very important in poetry.

Great poem! And I'm sorry I can't offer a lot more, but I'm not good when it comes to poetry.

Blink.

I thought that this was adorable! I loved the way you just took a normal situation and made it so serious and real. I also liked the way that you took the theme of a CD player!

Very good! Keep up the great writing!

a pretty touching poem. i really liked it. it had good flow and the transitioning was pretty good. the emotion was strong but the writing was light which got the readers attention from The start to the finish. excellent!