Surviving High School

Camille walked warily through the crowded halls of St. Henry Memorial High School, pushing her way through the crowds of people. She looked down at herself, "yuck" she thought to herself, she probably looked terrible in her mini-skirt, black lace leggings and her red tank top. She tugged on her shirt and hoped she didnt smear her eyeliner or forget to put on deodorant, she'd be the laughingstock for the rest of the year. The warning bell interupted her thoughts as she fought the locker door open and the halls cleared of all inhabitants and the morning announcments started. Camille stuffed her bag into the cramped locker, grabbed a pencil, and ran as fast as she could to her first period, algebra. She opened the door to her classroom, nearly falling on her face on the slick, fresh-from-summer tile floors and threw herself into an empty desk next to a lanky, pimple-faced boy with black hair and a Family Guy T-shirt. He smiled at her, it was a little creepy having someone make eyes at you for 45 minutes straight, she could feel his eyes burrowing into her as she scribbled answers onto her paper, " damn," Camille raised her hand, " Yes, Miss Watson?" Her teacher Mrs. McCallahan glared at her from over the rim of her glasses. Camille managed to sputter out " can I sharpen my pencil please?" The teacher nodded and went back to reading her book. She got up and speed-walked to the electric sharpener and shoved the pencil in, still feeling the lanky boy staring at her, "he's actuly kinda cute,in a quiet, creepy way." she thought.

Well I think you definitely should have written at least a little more to put up before you posted but OK.

If you are only 11 and you are writing a story about high school it could be a little tricky about the small details. It kind of starts on an internal conflict with the girl thinking she doesn't look good. You should put this into two or three paragraphs to make it look better and be easier to read. It is a good little piece of writing and once you broaden it a little i look forward to reading it.

PM me when you post more.

Ok you wrote a little more but what about the paragraphs? Every time a new person starts talking there should be a new paragraph. Also after the last quotation mark there should be a comma before you say she said.




" Yes, Miss Watson?", Her teacher Mrs. McCallahan glared at her from over the rim of her glasses. Camille managed to sputter out

Like that.

And you shouldnt have a space between the quotation and the words.


, nearly falling on her face on the slick, fresh-from-summer tile floors

The commas should be like this so it makes more sense.

, nearly falling on her face on the slick fresh-from-summer tile floors,

Then have the rest of that sentence.

good story, still make longer posts! pm me with more

I guess playerj09 said it all so my only suggestion is that you switch this story to one of the fiction boards. This seems to be a fictional story, with fictional characters, so...

Good, though it would be more interesting if it were longer.


alicat

I think that you should retitle this, surviving middle school. Because your 11 and in middle school, like me and this sounds more like something that would happen in middle school, not high school.
Also you should probley add more about what happens with the boy since she thinks hes kinda cute.
So other then that its pretty good

This should be on the fiction boards. You need to learn how to separate dialogue and correct grammar and all that. No one will want to read this if there are this many errors. Obviously, you are eleven, and writing about high school is just not working out. Write what you know. Writing about what you don't know (like this) is disastrous.

Sorry if I was harsh...

freewriter wrote:Camille walked warily through the crowded halls of St. Henry Memorial High School, pushing her way through the crowds of people. She looked down at herself, "yuck" she thought to herself this sentence is too confusing, she probably looked terrible in her mini-skirt, black lace leggings and her red tank top. She tugged on her shirt and hoped she didnt smear her eyeliner or forget to put on deodorant, she'd be the laughingI think there is a space herestock for the rest of the year. The warning bell what? interupted her thoughts as she fought the locker door open and the halls cleared of all inhabitants< I like this word and the morning announcments started. Camille stuffed her bag into the cramped locker, grabbed a pencil, and ran as fast as she could to her first period, algebra. She opened the door to her classroom, nearly falling on her face on the slick, fresh-from-summer tile floors and threw herself into an empty desk next to a lanky, pimple-faced boy with black hair and a Family Guy T-shirt. He smiled at her, it was a little creepy having someone make eyes at you for 45 minutes straight, she could feel his eyes burrowing into her as she scribbled answers onto her paper,you would put this on the next line. " damn," Camille raised her hand, " Yes, Miss Watson?" Her teacher Mrs. McCallahan glared at her from over the rim of her glasses. Camille managed to sputter out " can I sharpen my pencil please?" The teacher nodded and went back to reading her book. She got up and speed-walked to the electric sharpener and shoved the pencil in, still feeling the lanky boy staring at her, "he's actuly kinda cute,in a quiet, creepy way." she thought.

I didn't correct everything. This is just way to confusing. Where there was dialouge you should have put a new paragraph.

Okay, well there were many mistakes in one (rather large) paragraph, but instead of critiquing every word, I am going to give you some advice.

When you write you need to take risks and writing a high school story as an 11 year old is a big risk. Now is this risk a good one from what I have read? Personally, I think you have a lot of potential as a good writer, but you need a more creative outlet. You write very well for your age, actually a lot better than my little sister who is 11. Try going for an idea outside the box, like fantasy. I believe you could do very well in that category of writing.

Take some time when thinking of a new idea for a writing piece. I am currently writing a very long story (which I hope to publish one day) and it took me the whole summer coming up with the plot, characters, and conflict. That writing piece is very intricate and after discussing ideas with my younger sister, I finally had the story. Sometimes good ideas will come suddenly, like when you are trying to fall asleep. Anyone on this site can tell you their personal experience for coming up with ideas. It's very fun.

Writer need experience to write about something. Love, for example, is something that young teens have trouble writing about. Even I have trouble writing about something as complex as true love. You need to experience them first-hand and not from tv, because Disney Channel love is as fake as can be. I can't even really write about high school, because I have never actually been there. The best second-hand experience for high school would probably be Mean Girls, but I don't recommend that to an 11 year old.

Keep writing is my best advice. I've seen the your other reviews and I am hoping I wasn't that harsh, but if I am then you learned a few tips. Even though people analyzed every word of your writing they do it with good intent. Truthfully, I think you should dump this idea and start anew, but that's just me. Your idea is used over and over, so a clean start might be good. But if your heart is truly set, go for it. People will try to push you down, but they might be critiquing a new Stephanie Meyer. Keep writing your stories and please PM me when you are done.

Sorry I havent been on in a while. I know I suck at writing and everything but I'm gonna keep trying. And as for this story, I've decided to drop it, it has been used way too much and my version isnt very good so I'm gonna attempt fiction. Thanks for the critiques!