Poem

4 posts
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Gender Female
Points 15394
Reviews 1464
Here's a little scribble I wrote a little while ago, and I don't know why, but I like it. Most of you probably won't like it, because everything I don't like people like and everything I do like, people don't like... that's how I roll.
_______________________________________________________________
(Couldn't think of a good name other than "Children")

In January you pelted me,
with snowballs.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In February you pulled me,
by my hair.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In March you broke my
favorite kite.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In April you pushed me,
into the puddle.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In May you killed my
butterfly.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In June you put mud in my
shoes.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In July you broke my
sandcastle.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In August you pushed me
off the swings.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In September you broke my
crayons.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In October you sat on my
pumpkin.
I cried and ran.
And your mother made you
say sorry.

In November I broke your cars.
I ripped your drawings.
And I told you your red hair
was ugly.

In December you broke my doll.
I broke your dinosaur.
We killed each others teddy bears.
And we never told each other
sorry.
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7740
Reviews 713
Haha. This made me laugh. :D

The only stanza that didn't work for me is this one:

In November I broke your cars.
I ripped your drawings.
And I told you your red hair
was ugly.


I understand that you want to keep this, but it didn't work for me. Mainly because it didn't keep the consistent lines that all of the other ones did. I wish I were better at poetry; I'd be able to suggest a better stanza, but I can't. >.<

In December you broke my doll.
I broke your dinosaur.
We killed each others teddy bears.
And we never told each other
sorry.


Killed is a REALLY strong word here, and I don't like it. Go with something else a little less... kill-y. How about ripped? Tore? Something. But not killed. It shocked me for a moment. Remember these are just kids. Haha.

Anyway, I like the theme of the poem. It made me laugh. I wouldn't change much. This is a pretty good poem. ;)

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 80
Your stanzas are very, very choppy. It made it hard to get into at first. But, it was a good poem. I liked it. Short, simple, and sweet!

However, the stanzas just don't work with me.

-Adrian




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 8
I thought this was very funny. You got bullied, then you bullied them. Ha.



The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
— T. H. White