Midnight shower

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Okay, first, I'd like to express a very quick rant: When my friend read this, he was all 'But it's not a poem, it's a story! That's not a poem!' And I was like 'A poem tells a story!' And he was all 'Yeah, but this is more like a story!' And he wasn't getting it. He was being an idiot. >C
Whatever.

Here's my poem, please R&R, though honestly, I'm probably not going to change too much.

Midnight Shower

She wanted a shower
To wipe away the day – busy and worthless –
Get rid of it.
Back at the Hotel room, late at night
The silver faucet from the shower
Held her naked reflection
In its temporary grasp –
The lights began to flicker
On, off, on, off, dancing in her eyes
Flashing until she nearly fainted –
Then they stayed dead.
A definite sound of glass hitting
The floor in a small musical shower.
Everything was silent for a moment,
A minute, a lifetime.
The light began burning brightly,
Hotter and hotter until her eyeballs scorched
She squeezed them shut
Get out get out get out
She wrapped a thin towel around her waist
Scrambled out of the room
A note lay on the creaky bed
Written in childish scrawl –
“You’ve been warned,” it read
She gasped, turned around –
Drew in her last breath
Then hit the floor with a
Definite, permanent thud.
In the bathroom,
The shower kept running.
Last edited by Archstormangel on Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm
an Atheist, a young teen girl, someone who loves Harry Potter and hates Twilight, someone who doesn't see deepness in everything, a person who has never suffered from any diseases of any sort.
I'm average, but...

I'm still a writer.




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I really liked this. While it tells a story, it is in the poem format and a definite poem. I would have to agree with you that a poem tells a story. It's called "narrative poetry." :D

This was very well-written. Definitely freaky, I would say. I really liked it, though. I like freaky... :wink:


Just a few things to fix....

A definite sound of glass hitting
The floor, in a small musical shower.


I don't think you need a comma after "the floor".


The light began burning brightly
She squeezed them shut


She squeezed them shut? The reader assumes you mean she's squeezing her eyes shut, but you should probably make this clear.


Back at the Hotel room, late at night


I'm not sure if you capitalized "Hotel" for a certain reason or if it was a typo...


She wrapped a thing towel around her waist


This should be "she wrapped a thin towel around her waist".


Other than those small things, this was great.

Keep writing.. don't let anyone discourage you.

Tianna
"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains."




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Ah, thanks so much! I'll fix those. And thanks for the encouragement, I'll rub that in his face (j/k). c

For the 'She squeezed them shut' line - I didn't realize I accidentally deleted the line 'Hotter and hotter until her eyeballs scorched'. xD IT should make sense now.
I'm
an Atheist, a young teen girl, someone who loves Harry Potter and hates Twilight, someone who doesn't see deepness in everything, a person who has never suffered from any diseases of any sort.
I'm average, but...

I'm still a writer.




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 11
Wow, I really liked this, it sounded like the shower scene from Psycho or one of the horror stories your ten-year-old cousin always hears in school and likes to repeat everytime you see him (or tell his five-year-old brother to scare him to death) lol. Keep writing!
Let's Dance to Joy Division
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But we're so happy!




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it's called a prose poem.
or free verse
ask your friend whether shakespeare is blank verse or prose. =.="

try 'Get out! Get out! Get out!' increases emotion and suspence

i absolutely love the suspense in this poem, marvelous.

amazing imagination and creativity
wish i could write something as great

loving it.
teach my soul to soar




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Thanks, both of you!

I'd rather keep it as get out get out get out, because I like to avoid using exclamation points, and I think it displays the fear better. Neh?

But thanks so much anyway. c:
I'm
an Atheist, a young teen girl, someone who loves Harry Potter and hates Twilight, someone who doesn't see deepness in everything, a person who has never suffered from any diseases of any sort.
I'm average, but...

I'm still a writer.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 54
I love how no one commented on how I used words to set a specific tone. D:

Whatever. XD
I'm
an Atheist, a young teen girl, someone who loves Harry Potter and hates Twilight, someone who doesn't see deepness in everything, a person who has never suffered from any diseases of any sort.
I'm average, but...

I'm still a writer.



Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.
— Welcome to Night Vale