You are the Moon

Please do your worst critiquing. I'm just starting writing and really curious if i can do anything that makes it worth continuing and sharing it with anyone other than my self. ;]

Here we go...


I am the Sun,
And you are the Moon.
Our hearts beat in sequence,
And to the same tune.

Here's how I feel;
Don't tell me I'm bold.
My heart is like this,
It never gets old.

I have a new theory;
Its really quite clever.
The Sun will be with the Moon,
For now and for ever.

I am the Sun,
And you are the Moon.
I see you only rarely,
But hope to see you soon.

I'd rather give you roses,
Though thats hardly fitting.
So while you dream of her;
Here i am just sitting.

I'd rather write you songs,
With a sweet melodey.
Or sing you long ballads,
If that makes a you and me.

But if you aviod me,
And tell me, "give up!"
You can't keep coming back;
Saying yo uhavent had enough.

I really adore you,
And think of you often.
But if you want an "Us,"
Your heart has to soften.

If I was the Sun,
And you were the Moon,
We could be together
By this time next June.

Hi there! Your poem is great, in a sense that it has rhythm and flow. I do like how the Sun and the Moon is put into the poem. (: Keep up the good work! However, missed out apostrophes, spelling and typo errors.

Lynne wrote:
I'd rather give you roses,
Though thats hardly fitting.
So while you dream of her;
Here i am just sitting.

I'd rather write you songs,
With a sweet melodey.
Or sing you long ballads,
If that makes a you and me.

But if you aviod me,
And tell me, "give up!"
You can't keep coming back;
Saying yo uhavent had enough.

I like this, and I like the rhyming, you don't rely on it which some poems do. I don't think it has much depth but it is a nice read and is simple, and of course brilliant rhyming!

Do you write much poetry - I see you are new here at the YWS - I look forward to seeing some more of your work around

All the best,
Meevs
x

( sorry my review was short, I don't know much technical stuff about poetry! )

This is quite lovely but I think you could do so much more with this. It flows nicely and everything but considering the comparison of you and someone else to two beings that have been defied in many works as great or powerful or beautiful or misunderstood. There could be a lot more feeling and more powerful sentences. Poetry is not all about rhyming, but the message and the emotions.

Its a lovely poem, nonetheless,

Keep Writing,

~Angel

Thank you so much for the input. :] And, no i don't really do much poem writing, I'm more inclined to novels or short stories. But thanks again, i appreciate you guys commenting.
Lynne

It flows very nicely which for me at least is one of the harder things to do in a poem. The rhyming is awesome too. It's not forced like I have seen a lot here. Also it's a very simple poem and well it's nice to see simple instead of deep.