War Poem

The old man remembers
The times of his fathers
When he was a marine
He thinks to himself quite frankly
Of the tanks and war machines
How they killed all of his friends

How he strapped for battle
Whilst everything was the matter
He reached the darkside of the moon
Sitting there waiting and contemplating
In the 94th platoon...

Flying in the sky
Wings strapped on there backs
That faithfully fall from the sky
The city it rumbles
the buildings are crumbled

Everything smashed to the ground
He shakes and worries
For fear of his life
As all of his friends die
Anger insites him he runs
He's shooting recklessly at things in the sky

He got shot in the leg
They thought that he was dead
But they lifted his body tonight
They told him he's lucky
But he didnt think so
He said that his friends were by his side.

He now sits in his wheelchair
Thinking about the days of old
Long gone they are his life is beautifull
His memories are passing him by.



The rhythm is something like Lucy in the sky of diamonds.

And P.s. Please Read The Poem Aloud It Was Written That Way And It Was Ment To Be Read That Way.

This poem doesn't feel right for a line-by-line so I'm just going to pick and choose some lines that you need to look at.

chamberlainj wrote:He thinks to himself quite frankly

"Frankly" as opposed to what? "Lying to himself"? If you're trying to say that others have repressed the memories, then don't have this dynamic so early on because we haven't even gotten a chance to go into his mind and his soul yet. Wait until you've given us some information.

Of the tanks and war machines
How they killed all of his friends

Bland. If they were truly his friends, he wouldn't think about their deaths in such a matter-of-fact way. He would remember the screams and the flashes of blood, maybe their eyes as their grimy hands tore away from his and into the mud of the no-man's-land. Anything but just "How they killed all of his friends".

He shakes and worries
For fear of his life

Again, you're underestimating the power of emotion when someone is thrown in pitched battle. Wouldn't you be a little more than "worried" when buildings are falling and bullets are pouring through the air from every side?

As all of his friends die
Anger insites him he runs
He's shooting recklessly at things in the sky

He got shot in the leg
They thought that he was dead
But they lifted his body tonight

You've sapped all of the potential imagery and emotionally-charged language that could have made this section great. His friends don't just "die", do they? I'd think he feels their deaths much more powerfully than that. In the same vein, getting shot should evoke some more thoughts and emotions from him that you need to include here.

He now sits in his wheelchair
Thinking about the days of old
Long gone they are his life is beautifull
His memories are passing him by.

This is interesting...you could be pulling off a brilliant move by subtly lamenting the passage of time and memories while superficially rejoicing at the fact that he no longer remembers and therefore is more content. But I doubt that you meant this; I think that you were just attempting to wrap it up at the end with a nice, warm conclusion of hope. In that case, the ending doesn't work at all because all of the fear, thrill, and anger in the preceding stanzas is shattered by the artificial comfort of this stanza. You need to bring it to full close by mentioning those emotions that I talked about.

The parts that I didn't point out were good for various reasons. Good luck in the competition.

Well you see to miss the point here, there is a reason for lack of detail and alot of other things. The point is not about how he would feel in the situation, but its supposed to put you were he was to give you an open sense. To make you feel kind of being there and what you would do. its supposed to represent the strength of a man. And define in peoples minds quotes like "In the strength of the wolf is the pack, and in the strength of the pack is the wolf." Another point to lack of detail on the more dramatic parts like his friends dying are supposed to make you disregard his need to think rationally and to loose all rational thoughts. To stop minding what the average man would do and do what someone is insane would do.

To become more primal, humans are the only animals that can ration if you take this away from them they are nothing but average animals. This is why I did this it was intentional the low descriptions and the words I spoke were not ment to be looked at as a rational person would. They were to be looked at as in irrational person would. You see lack of detail, I think about what I would do there. It has a lot more to it then your seeing.

thank you for reading it.

He thinks to himself quite frankly

Maybe it should be "He thinks to himself quite honestly, or such.

Whilst everything was the matter
Make this part a little more clear.

As all of his friends die

maybe you could make this more poetic?

Long gone they are his life is beautifull

Long gone they are, his days of beauty?

Did you already enter this into the contest?
If not always remember...
revise.