Our Last Goodbye

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Hullo everyone! I just wanted to leave a small note about this poem(s). It is the same poem written from two points of view. The first is written from the boy's point of view. The other- obviously- is written from the girl's point of view. Well, I hope you like it. Just, go easy on me, please? It's practically my first decent poem(s) ever.
-MQ
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Out in the garden, we sit and wait

Looking to the other, determining our fate

you brush my hand, I touch your cheek

Slowly we start to move our feet

Life began for us ten years ago

Your heart so pure, like fresh fallen snow

"Forever," I'd promised you, and then

Hands clasped together, into darkness we ran

Fighting through tears of laughter and shame

Only children, we couldn't know this game

Yet here we stand and older still

We understand nothing and perhaps never will

Staring into your eyes, I wish I could kiss you

I love you so much, but you never knew

Holding you close, we silently dance

I should have spoken when I had the chance

Instead I am mute, I let my words die

This pain is enough, our last goodbye


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Out in the garden, we sit and wait

Looking to the other, determining our fate

I take your hand, you brush my cheek

Slowly we start to move our feet

Life began for us ten years ago

Your eyes were so pale, like fresh fallen snow

"Forever," You'd promised me, and then

Your hand in mine, into darkness we ran

Tears, laughter, sorrow, and pain

We lived through it all, our own little game

Now here we stand and older still

The rules have changed, so has my will

You stare deep in my eyes, I wish you would kiss me

I love you so much, but you can't seem to see

You're holding me close; we silently dance

If only I'd spoken when I had the chance

My soul pours over, I start to cry

This hurts me too much, our last goodbye

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Thanks so much for reading this, you guys! I just wanted to point out, I know there's something fishy about the fifth-to-last line in the girl's part, but I have no idea how to fix it. Any suggestions?
_MQ
Reality is for those who have small imaginations (:




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 3
i don't see anything wrong with the fifth -to-last line but i would put that line
" I love you so much, but you close your eyes ,
afraid to see what your really mean to me."

that was what i would put other then that i really liked you poem sweet and simple from both points of veiw




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Points 10701
Reviews 356
Couldn't find anything minimally wrong. I honestly and simply loved it. The two versions worked together and i think it was a great idea to show the two sides of the story.

My soul pours over, I start to cry

This hurts me too much, our last goodbye


Simple, but meaningful. Resuming (not that this is very long lol) great work. Keep on writing!



“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author