Da qualche parte nel cuore di Roma

Da qualche parte nel cuore di Roma
By Angel of Death

{031 Ease: Picture 1}

They've all crowded around in one spot
Their cameras are flashing and their artificial lights are
blocking my eyes
I hear the sound of tears pouring downward.
Am I crying?
Are tears leaking out of my blind eyes?
My head starts to feel like it does when I make
one of my souls rise every morning
It writhes in a fiery agony, as I try to catch a glimpse of
the crowd. The pain travels down my back and then it disappears.
The sound grows louder and louder. I am crying. The storm is pouring from my body,
creating a river of sadness.
How long have I been here?
Suddenly it all comes rushing back to me, like horses charging during a storm.
I am a King and my people have molded my bones to their monuments. I ruled their
oceans and created the land that they walk across. I used to be a City but now I am nothing
but a sculpture glued to a building. I am nothing but the streets that they run their oil-infested
automobiles across. I am nothing but a piggy-bank for all the money they have left from buying
Gelato. As they snap pictures, they throw bronze stones at my soul with such ease. The pennies
sink to the bottom, staring at them like rusty gold eyes.
It's like Three Coins in the Fountain all over again. Everyone flocked to throw their riches
into my tears. No one asked what was wrong and no one even cared.





*Three Coins in the Fountain is a song sung by Frank Sinatra

*Da qualche parte nel cuore di Roma means Somewhere in the Heart of Rome

A harmless bump

~Angel

Angel of Death wrote:Da qualche parte nel cuore di Roma
By Angel of Death

They've all crowded around in one spot
Their cameras are flashing and their artificial lights are
blocking my eyes
I hear the sound of tears pouring downward.
Am I crying?
Are tears leaking out of my blind eyes?

You have clearly related the use of tears with the phenomenon of rain, an analogy that's a little obvious but at the same time works well here. Now, what I would do is have a more direct mention to rain somewhere in there - perhaps instead of tears leaking out, rain clouding your eyes or Heaven's sorrowful deposit mixing with yours.

My head starts to feel like it does when I make
one of my souls rise every morning
It writhes in a fiery agony, as I try to catch a glimpse of
the crowd. The pain travels down my back and then it disappears.
The sound grows louder and louder. I am crying. The storm is pouring from my body,
creating a river of sadness.

You build on the aquatic analogy and metaphor. I like that, but you've interspersed fire in there which leads me to doubt exactly how much weight you are putting on the imagery of water. I suggest having a quenched or quenching fire instead of a nice blazing one coming from your soul.

How long have I been here?
Suddenly it all comes rushing back to me, like horses charging during a storm.
I am a King and my people have molded my bones to their monuments. I ruled their
oceans and created the land that they walk across. I used to be a City but now I am nothing
but a sculpture glued to a building. I am nothing but the streets that they run their oil-infested
automobiles across.

"Glued" ruined my fixation to the otherwise vivid imagery you've put here. Change that and work more on the first simile you've made with horses racing through a storm. This is a perfect opportunity for allusion - the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the Headless Horsemen, Charon - anything could represent those stallions. Make it so.

I am nothing but a piggy-bank for all the money they have left from buying
Gelato.

No no no. Piggy-bank most certainly does not work here as it is such a...childish phrase amid such language of the giants. Please, if nothing else, get rid of it and on further inspection, the entire line seems flacid and placed there "just because", with no reason and less rhythm.

As they snap pictures, they throw bronze stones at my soul with such ease. The pennies
sink to the bottom, staring at them like rusty gold eyes.
It's like Three Coins in the Fountain all over again. Everyone flocked to throw their riches
into my tears. No one asked what was wrong and no one even cared.

Good, shadows take over the latter portion of the poem and you leave us taken with the darkness that these benign people possess, as do all. Again, you wrap up the rain and tear symbolism with the mention of crying here at the end. Don't change this last part, it's as good as you can get.

Wow, thanks for the critique Galerius. I was so happy that I actually got one because its been a couple of days and this has went un-reviewed. You gave me some really helpful tips that I will use as a guideline when I fix this up. Thanks again.

~Angel