A painful first kiss

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Helen-

I loved this excerpt. The story idea was different and unique, but interesting at the same time. Thanx for explaining the story in the beginning, too. I'm going to review your excerpt now. (in no particular order)

He stepped further towards me until our bodies touched each other.

I think "further" should be changed to "closer".

Coldness rushed through me, a mix between the cold air outside and the awareness of how close I was to Henry.

You could just say, how close I was to him.

Anyway that's all the mistakes I found, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

-Moony

I'd like to say it was original, but it really wasn't. It's pretty much the same Bella - Edward thing, except the names are changed, and the punctuation isn't right. That's... really the only difference.

And, of course, the moment I checked your bio, I found Steph Meyer, and Twi. Don't let Mrs. Meyer ruin your writing! People do it so often - she isn't that good, and really messes with anyone's actual style.

Yes, if this was fanfic it would just be sorta sad, but it isn't, so please change it. Get the Edward out of Henry, and TEAR the Bella out of Helena. Please.

Good luck, anyhow. ^_^

-SELA

Sela Locke wrote:I'd like to say it was original, but it really wasn't. It's pretty much the same Bella - Edward thing, except the names are changed, and the punctuation isn't right. That's... really the only difference.

And, of course, the moment I checked your bio, I found Steph Meyer, and Twi. Don't let Mrs. Meyer ruin your writing! People do it so often - she isn't that good, and really messes with anyone's actual style.

Yes, if this was fanfic it would just be sorta sad, but it isn't, so please change it. Get the Edward out of Henry, and TEAR the Bella out of Helena. Please.

Good luck, anyhow. ^_^

-SELA

thankyou for your opinions, i'll take them into consideration.

however, everyone always uses other authors ideas into their work, nothing is truly original, is it? this is an amalgamation of lots of ideas that ive collected over the years from roswell high, twilight, starman, smallville, superman etc. and i've then put together in my own way. Twilight is probably the most well-known love story at the moment, so whenever someone writes a love story thats a little different, then people will assume that it's based on twilight, which i'm sure isnt always the case! the idea of somebody falling in love with someone who's different has been around for ages, whether its a ghost, alien, vampire, werewolf, animal or whatever, i dont think stephenie meyer owns the rights to that idea and i'm pretty sure that she was influenced by certain things herself! as for saying that she isnt that good, i think lots of people beg to differ, arent her books all worldwide bestsellers?

Hey there!

I read this yesterday but I didn't get to comment. I loved this and its so unique and refreshing that I jumped for joy when I read this. The emotions you portrayed at the dialog was so perfect that I really think that if this were a book I'd pick it off the shelf. I'm so glad you summarized the story for us and I do wish you all the luck in completing it.
Good Job and Keep writing,
~Angel

wow!! i loved it!
at the beginning..when you explained what the story was about I thought it was a kind superman..hehe I know, silly.
well, it was really good..I have a question tough, does helena knows what Henry is?
this story remind me a lot of Smallville and Twilight, your characters have kind of the same essence as Edward and Bella, and the story is a kind of smallville story, which is really cool. I have to say i'm not a big fan of alien stuff, but I thought this was really good.
good job!

They're not original, I mean. The characters are lame, the storyline is horrible.

But my point is that at least try to be original.

Good luck, anyways.

-SELA

Hey, I'm here to lighten the mood, and let me say, just reading your little underlined blurp, you caught my attention. No body writes about aliens anymore! That's totally sweet and I encourage you to follow this.

“Can I try something” Henry asked, looking at me expectantly.

“Go ahead”

Henry took a step closer to me so that our faces were almost touching.

“Do you trust me?” I felt his warm breath tickle my face comma and I shivered. Coldness rushed through me, a mix between the cold air outside and the awareness of how close I was to him.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak, so I nodded.

He placed each of his hands on either side of my face. His hands were surprisingly warm comma and I could feel myself blushing underneath them.

“Are you going to kiss me?” I laughed. Henry didn’t laugh, he looked serious.

“Don’t talk please” he looked at me intensely, “just let me do this”

He stepped even closer to me until our bodies touched each other. I held my breath as our noses bumped. I thought he was going to kiss me; I was so sure of it. I had waited for this moment for so long, yet now when I thought the moment was here, I wasn’t sure what to do.

“Close your eyes” he whispered

I giggled nervously

“Don’t laugh, please. I need silence when I do this” he said.

I stopped laughing and closed my eyes slowly and cautiously Use one or the other. Don't use both My advise woudl be "cautiously" but that's just me .

“What are you going to do?” I asked

“[s]be[/s] Be quiet”

I did as he said and stood in silence. Minutes passed and no kiss met my lips.

I couldn’t physically feel his hands upon my cheeks anymore, but I could feel the heat from them spreading throughout my entire face and down my neck. I felt it rush down my chest and arms. The temperature was almost unbearable, I felt like my entire body was on fire but I did not panic. I remained rooted to the ground, completely overwhelmed by the heat.

“Am I hurting you?” he whispered

“I don’t know”

I opened my eyes warily and looked down at Henry’s hands. They were aglow, crimson red as if they were on fire. A wave of terror surged through me.

“What the hell is that?” I asked stepping back and pushing his hands away from me. As his hands left my skin, they returned to their normal colour and I became cold again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you” Henry walked over to me but I stepped back in alarm.

“Stay away from me. What the fuck was that? I didn’t know you could do stuff like that!” I pushed him away. He looked hurt and his face contorted in pain. Okay, I understand her panicked state, but if that were me, I would be suttering, not freaking out. I guess that goes by what you want your MC to be like but I would refrain from having her have a tantrum. Save that for another moment. Rather, make it more mysterious and frightened-like, not angry, as she is.

“Don’t touch me”

“What are you talking about? What did you just do to me?” my words came out in a fast, high-pitched shriek.

“Just calm down” Henry went to take my hand but I snatched it away.

“How come you’re allowed to touch me?” I demanded

“It doesn’t hurt when I touch you, only when you touch me” Huh? Does it matter? I would think either way would work...have to describe that more.

“You’re mental; you’re a psycho aren’t you? Oh shit, I am fraternizing with a lunatic!” I shouted pacing up and down.

“I’m not a psycho, Helena. You said you trusted me…”

“…that was before you made me all hot and your hands went all red and… what... I mean…oh god…” I stuttered, “just tell me what the hell is going on?”

“You pulled away too soon; I hadn’t started what I was going to do”

“Which was what?!”

“Let me show you” Henry placed a hand on the side of my face comma and I flinched, but didn’t pull back. He looked at me, “are you going to let me?” he asked hopefully.

“I don’t know what I’m letting you do”

“Close your eyes again”

“Okay, but if…” before I had time to finish speaking my eyes were shut.

Images flooded in front of my eyes, hundreds of them. Every single picture was of me. There were images of me smiling, frowning, flicking my hair out of my eyes, crying, laughing, biting my lip when I was nervous, raising my eyebrows, twitching my nose. Every single expression that I always did without noticing darted before my eyes. I realised that every picture was a memory, something that had previously happened. It was as if every facial expression I had ever made had been stored and was being played for me before my very eyes. I was beautiful in every picture, but I didn’t look any different than I usually did. It wasn’t how I looked that made me beautiful; it was how I felt towards the images.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” Henry was at my neck, whispering in my ear.

“Where are they coming from?”

“From me”

“What?”

“They’re every memory I have of you”

“Why do I think I’m beautiful in them?” I asked dazedly, my eyes half open.

“Because they’re my memories. That’s how I see you”

I opened my eyes fully and looked at Henry. It was like I was seeing him for the first time all over again. I traced the outline of his face with my eyes, following his forehead down to the bridge of his nose and onto his lips. Those lips. If flawlessness was personified onto any man’s feature, it would be onto his lips. They were sculpted into a perfect bow-shape, pink and full, soft and smooth. I looked down at his jaw. It tightened, he was tense. I realised that I had not spoken for several minutes, captivated entirely by his face.

I brushed my fingertips along his jaw line; his skin was hot and sent a burning sensation along my arm. I pulled my hand away in pain.

“sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I haven’t learnt to control my human temperature yet”

“its fine” I lied, not wanting to hurt his feelings. Does she know he's alien because a second ago, she was freaked out about the hand thing. Now, she seems oblivous to the previous comment about him controling his human body temp. If that were me, I would definitely comment more on that....

Henry closed his eyes and his forehead creased in concentration. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes and exhaled loudly.

“I’m cooler now” he took my hand and placed it on the side of his face. he groaned quietly as my hand met his skin, but he didn’t pull away.

“can I try something this time?” I asked tentatively

“of course you can. Anything”


I leant forward slowly. My nose brushed his, sending a shiver up my spine. He didn’t push me away as I expected him to so I reached up to his neck, pulling him closer to me. the contact of our skins meeting gave me what felt like an electric shock but I carried on. I bent my face slightly looking into his eyes, hoping to see his reaction. He didn’t look full of panic; he didn’t try and shove me away from him.

My lips couldn’t restrain themselves, they pressed against his desperately, my hands were around his neck pulling him even closer to me. I ran my hands across his broad shoulders, receiving jolts at every touch. Henry kissed me back at first, just as urgently as I had, but he soon slowed down, his grip around my waist loosened and his lips stopped moving.

I pulled away from him.

“what’s wrong?” I asked

“Nothing’s wrong, I’m sorry. Come here…” he leant in towards me and kissed me with the same passion as before, his fingers running through my hair. I kissed him back, wondering why he had stopped before. But soon, I noticed he wasn’t returning my efforts again. I tried to pull away but he pulled me towards him and let me kiss along his neck. He winced, but let me continue determinedly.

I pushed him away softly.

“does it hurt a lot?” I asked

“I don’t want it to” he looked down helplessly, “I’m so sorry”

“don’t apologize” I smiled, “It was worth a try, wasn’t it?”

Okay, yes, it kind of screams Bella and Edward, but there are so many directions you coudl go with this. Just experiment. It seems like you have the talent to really expand on this so just try to leave the box, think beyond what has been previously done. Have your girl be a snob, or Henry a timid little boy. Something that really helps you expand that range.

Also, I have an idea for the skin-contact-thing. You dont' have to take it, of course, but you could do something like human skin is poisonous to his skin or something like that. I dont' know...you probably can come up with something better

Please PM me when you post more of this. I would love to read more!

(((I'm really sorry about the other three posts that are on here. Somehow, I posted four times so I just deleted them and said "ignore". You can delete them now. Sorry again about that )))

it's does remind a little of Twilight, but hell, everyone story now a days are being compare to Twilight.

I think this is orginial and the characters aren't lame.

Change it up a bit.

I love it so far. if you decide to post more, pm me.

this is an amazing piece i'd love to read the rest of it....but have you ever thought about the fact that some one else can tickle you but you cant tickle yourself? think about something like that with the touching thing....he can touch her but she cant touch him

Okay wow



just just WOW!!!


I loved this. Although, an Alien? Really?
That's new and different.
The bond between them, is what reminds me of Twilight, the conflict between species is what reminds me of twilight.
other than that. WOOHOO! I loved it!!!!

I cant wait to see what you do with this.
There were of course many punctuation errors. If you reread, you can find all of them.
Keep this up!


--Jazz

First things first--I noticed plenty of punctuation errors. The most prominent one had to do with dialogue. Por ejemplo, this sentence:

“sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I haven’t learnt to control my human temperature yet”

Should be

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I haven’t learnt to control my human temperature yet."

There were many times where you omitted punctuation at the end of your dialogue, and quite a few times where you forgot to capitalize after the quote mark. Go through the story again and I'm sure you'll find them, though. Remember, proofread before you post on YWS!

Question--do you use Microsoft Word? I highly recommend it because even though the grammar program is more often than not a useless hindrance, it will help catch the kind of basic punctuation errors you're making. Just a thought.

Plot and character-wise, I don't know enough to really make a judgment, but the concept is intriguing enough. So few people write about aliens and science fiction these days, that it makes me happy that somebody is. I've only just started reading Twilight, so I don't know about any parallels there, but I have to say that if you find yourself too influenced by that one book--go out there and read others. Not just romance books, but books of every genre. In particular, if you're going to write science fiction, I recommend the works of genre's acknowledged master, Isaac Asimov. Well, actually, he doesn't deal much with aliens...but he will give you a feel for the genre. Hmm. Ray Bradbury deals with first contact stories (in his Martian Chronicles) in an interesting way, as does Orson Scott Card in his Ender Quartet (do not read those "Ender's Shadow" books. They're horrible). Star Trek is also a marvelous source of sci fi inspiration. But I'm only saying that because I'm a flaming Trekkie.

Right now, I have a pretty good feel of Henry's character, and he seems interesting and not too terribly Edward-like. That's good. Keep working on making him interesting, and original. And be careful if you're just making his personality so he will be "hot"--"hot" is not enough to back up a character's personality. If a character only does things or acts a certain way because you think it's "hot", it will get extreeeemely boring after a while. Take care to make Henry a living, breathing, human being...well, alien, but whatever. Point is, he needs a strong personality, and he needs to make us care about him on a level beyond "Ooh la la he's so smexy!".

Right now, I haven't got much of a feel for Helena's personality, which isn't a good thing--particularly if she's the narrator. I see a lot of stories that use first person but never exploit the possibilities of first person narration, which is a terrible shame. First person may be the most limited form of narration but it's also rife with possibility. Your character is sharing all of their thoughts with the reader. You need to make Helena's voice distinct. Make it stand out, make it different. Give her certain "catch phrases" (but don't overuse them), give her little quirks. I recommend listening to how real people talk to fashion her first person narration. You have so much possibility here by using Helena's first-person narration; it would be awful to waste it just on "I did this, I did that, I felt like this". Make it unique! (in terms of excellently-done first person narration, I recommend Barbara Kingsolver's The Poisonwood Bible, which is not only a masterfully-fashioned narrative but also provides brilliant examples of first person voice, through the usage of five distinct narrators. Believe me, that book has inspired me a lot in my own efforts to write a multi-narrator story).

If you so desire, you could join the "Character Development" group as that group has helped me a lot when it comes to developing my characters. Right now, both your main characters need some serious development, but I can tell they have potential. And again--stay away from the Twilight, please! O_o Make this your own story. Aliens and humans! Come on, there's so much potential!

One final little pointer--if this is a science fiction story with an alien, consider going beyond just "alien falls in love with human girl". You have tons of potential when it comes to science fiction. Think--is there a larger galactic alliance out there, that would disapprove of Henry's relationship with Helena? Was Henry an integral part of this alliance before he ended up on earth? Are there other races besides Henry's? What kind of alien is Henry, exactly? Et cetera et al. This may be just a personal preference of mine, but I like it when science fiction stories delve into the large socio-political world (I can't say much for technology; I abhor scifi that is all about technology wanking). Consider adding a major, more epic, "galactic" element to the backdrop of this sweet and simple boy-meets-girl story.

That being said, you have a potentially interesting idea here. I mean, I'd be interested just because it's aliens, but yeah. Remember, proofread, develop your characters, develop your own story, exploit the science fiction genre and your first person narration for all it's worth. I can't judge the Twilight similarities, but if they are there excise them. Make this your own story. I mean, science fiction interspecies romance! Don't waste your potential on copying Smeyer.

I wish you the greatest of luck in your endeavors.

I thought this piece was very well done, only a few things here and there. Most of those have already been caught so let's go to the positives!

Characterization was very good. This was supported strongly by the dialogue. Both characters' diction fit the situation. There was drama, there was emotion laced in every word. Conflict conflict conflict. You did a great job of that.

Overall, a very good piece. Although it was very twlightish, you had enough uniqueness to make it different.

I look forward to reading more.