Tick, Tock, Ring

I had to do this poem for class, about a personal experience, or a personal thought, or something. I
never write poetry, so I really don't know if it's good or not.
Also, sorry if this is in the wrong catagory. Again, I NEVER write poetry, so I have no clue what I'm
doing. The teacher told me to start and end with the word "ring" (which I thought didn't fit)
so I changed it to Tick, Tock, Ring. She said I have to make the poem go full circle or something....
Anyway, Any critiques?

Tick, Tock, Ring

The bell has rung
My head is hung
It's time to go

Will she be there?
Will she not?
I will never know

I sit away
from the crowd, so loud
yet, I don't make a sound.

she's never there
does she care?
I will never know.

The clock stirkes three
Time to flee!
It's always time to go.

She's not there.
She doesn't care.
And now I know

Tick, Tock, Ring.

Intriguing, very intriguing. But my issue is that you have no definition, no emotion, and yet no mystery. It's very obvious you were required to do this poem for class and didn't do it for the joy of writing. I have to commend you, however, on your great technique. You must have a good teacher, because your rhyme, rhythm, and technique are flawless. I would suggest that you try to open up and really express more in your poetry.

Also, the disclaimer is a bit disheartening. Especially on a site like this, you shouldn't trash your own poetry. That's everyone else's job. LOL jk

Great work, keep writing!
-KK

Tick, Tock, Ring

The bell has rung
My head is hung
It's time to go

<Grammar, Rhyming went well>

Will she be there?
Will she not?
I will never know

<Not bad; Grammar>

I sit away
from the crowd, so loud
yet, I don't make a sound.

<The 'flow' is bit robotic here>

she's never there
does she care?
I will never know.

<Grammar>

The clock stirkes three
Time to flee!
It's always time to go.

<Grammar; "Strikes;" Confusing>

She's not there.
She doesn't care.
And now I know

<Grammar; Huh?>

Tick, Tock, Ring.


I have to agree; it's obvious you were forced to write this. There isn't much emotion or purpose. I can't tell what this means at all. In fact, I'd say there was no purpose ... Just sentences stringed together.

I would go back and form an entire no poem. Write something organically. Then, go back and edit. Take out sentences that don't make sense; keep the ones you like. Then, form a purpose around what's left.

Adrian

i know that i say this a lot, but there is not much artistry or purpose in this piece. i can't really say much about it. sorry.

Thank you for your comments.

I don't exactly understand why it seems to have no emotion. This piece is about a very emotional subject for me.

So, If someone could explain to me parts that seem unemotional, please do.

I'm not trying to argue with you guys I just don't understand your opinions.

I think the part in the beginning gave the impression of it being unemotional a bit.

Thanks for you opinions though.

That was okay. It wasn't one of my favorites. I honestly don't get the meaning of the poem. It makes no sense to me. Just very confusing. I understand it's at school, but who is she? Are you playing a teacher waiting for a student to come and finish some work? Details, details, details. That's what make up a poem. Good job though. Its still good in its own way..... Keep working!

Hi Heather. Here to review, since I know it's due tomorrow.

I understand what everyone said about there not being much emotion. You kind of state them directly, like "I'm sad." and we don't feel for the character. Give us a reason to care.

Clear up some of the questions. Who is "she"? Why is she waiting for her? Try to add that into the poem so your teacher doesn't ask the same thing.

The clock stirkes three
Time to flee!
It's always time to go.

You misspelled Strikes.

She's not there.
She doesn't care.
And now I know

This stanza doesn't flow like the rest of them, mainly due to the last line not rhyming with the first two in the stanza. Try going through the poem and figuring out the rhyme scheme (or whatever it's called). Like if the first two lines rhyme, those are A. If the third line doesn't rhyme with the first two, it's B, and so on. That may help with the consistancy and point out other areas of the poem you may need to work on. A poem with a pattern like that are easier for some people to read, though maybe not your teacher.

Work on your grammar a little too. Although there's not a rule that you have to, capitalize the first letter of each line. It makes it look better overall.

This is an okay start but it could be better.
PM or call me anytime.
-Kat

I thought this flowed nicely and led to the next stanza nicely. The rhymes were good, too.

I think that it is a little confusing to the reader, though, because they are unsure exactly what is happening. Readers like to have something built up for them and then explained. If they don't end up with knowing what it's about, it's left unsolved and they wonder. Sometimes this can be a good thing, but for this type of poem it seemed like there were pieces of the story that should have been there but weren't.

Still, I think if you clarified a bit more it would be a good poem. Especially since, as you said, you don't really write poetry.

Star

You are very talented, good job.

PS: Sorry but I do also have to agree with the others. It's enteresting and good when it comes to rhyming and it's good for something you had to do. It just needs a little more emotion. It's very good but at the same time it's not. You probaly would make a talented writer though.

Thank guys, I'm working on this poem and adding some more stanzas, to try and make it easier to understand. I didn't really think about it when I worte it, because I knew what it was so it made perfect sense to me. anyway thanks guys and look for the new and hopefully improved "Tick, Tock Ring"