Never Again-edited (agian)

this really happened. recently three young girls were killed in a fire and they lived in my same city. i didn't know them but i do know that they went to a school near my home and the oldest was 13. The other two were 11 and 10. They were all sisters. I know that this peom isn't what it could be and i want to make it the best for the three girls who lost their lives. so please help me and be as hard as you can.


The raging temper of a radiant fire
caught you by surprise.
An unforseen death
causing greif to everyone.
All of you were so young,
not even out of Junior High.

Never again will you pack your bags for school.
Never again will you feel the joys of life.
Never again will you see your family.

Your father tried to help you,
but there was nothing he could do.
He tried to get through a window
that seemed as though unbreakable.
Trying his hardest
to save his three little girls,
who had barely begun to live.

Never again will you hear him say "i love you".
Never again will he tuck you in for bed.
Never again will he tease you about boys.

There are a lot of things you will never do,
but you will always be in our hearts.

i will probably add more to this when i know more about how this terrible tragedy happened. but please help me with what i have right now.
i changed it a bit, but i still don't know a lot and when i know more then i will try to make it longer. thanks for the help so far

Aww, I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Your poem has a lot of potential, however, I think it is difficult to pull off writing in second person. Not only is it difficult to make it sound good, but it also can potentially harm your chances of allowing the reader to relate to your work - you're not talking to them, you're addressing someone else. Also, you switch from saying "never again, will you..." to "never again, will we..." in the first stanza, and I think it would sound better if you keep it consistent, so always say you, or always say we, because they are two different perspectives. Or, you could devote one stanza to the "never again will you..." theme and another stanza to the "never again will we..." theme. Your last two lines are good and wrap the poem up nicely. Very sweet. Overall, your poem just needs a bit more substance - more detail, more about what they were like, what they did, the people that knew them, anything like that. You care a lot about what happened, now make your reader care too. I look forward to seeing what you can do with this.

I agree. This poem, while it has a good idea and follows a good basic story, isn't very good. I would recommend working on technique, rhythm, and rhyme, as well as syllabizing and puncuation. You really obviously care about these girls, so yay for you!! You obviously have a lot of potential buried under the confusion: go for it!!

Good work, keep writing!
-KK

wow. I'm really sorry for what happened, you seem to care a lot (though it would be hard not to). the first line in the second stanza seems a little wordy, but that can be fixed. I'm sorta going to go against what Matt said when he pointed out that you went from 'never will you' to 'never will we' because it sort of has to be 'never will we' instead of 'never will you'. I like the ending stanza a lot. It would be really cool if (and this would work best if your poem was longer, but its still in the making so it may be longer) you had one line from the first stanza at the top of one of the others. You sort of have something like that.
Good work and keep writing!
~MV

P.S. sorry for my rusty critiquing skills and my terrible repitition of the words 'sort of' and 'a lot'. I always seem to repeat a word or two in my critiques.

Wow.. im feel sorry for those girl's parents.. but this poem is very very good.. The only problem i have with it is that its waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too short.. other than that, i thought it was pretty good.. I love your work! cant wait to see more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep it up
keep writing