He Is a Death Trap

CHAPTER ONE

“Wake up, Miss Smith.” The house help knocked on her door. “Five more minutes,” she groaned turning as the house help knocked the door again. “Miss Smith, it’s almost 8.o'clock, you do not want to be late?”
“Nessa, go away!!” she shouted, finally getting up as she heard Nessa’s footsteps fade away. Slouching of into the bathroom, she stared at her slender reflection in the mirror. “Oh no,” she groaned noticing a minute spot on her face. After all a girl who has nothing to complain about, has to find something to moan about. Not that she was bad looking in anyway; she inherited good genes from her mum. She had dark auburn hair and warm brown eyes which went with a perfect symmetrical face-she was perfect and she knew that as all the boys at Getta Hollow were lining up to go on a date with her; They wish, even though her school was home for all the rich and famous, you still found the occasional (no genes) or bad apples to be clear, she only went out with the perfect and it was a reputation she had to uphold as every one knew her for it. Sighing deeply she got ready for school.

“Can you speed up Boaz? There is Paris!” she shouted at her personal chauffeur as she spotted her best friend. Paris Duncan was the daughter of Michael Duncan, the co- founder of Getta Hollow Academy and like her, they both dated the good-looking guys but Janet Connor was from a more middle-classed home .“There you go Miss Smith, I’ll not pick as you said.” Boaz said smiling as he stopped the flashy jaguar XKR. “Yes Boaz, I’m not salt to be picked or passed around!!”
“As you say, Miss.” He said driving away. “Hi,” Paris said smiling as her blond hair blew in the wind. “Where’s Janet?” Carla asked as they as they walked across the noisy lawn. “I haven’t seen her, who care’s anyway?” Paris answered. “Come on Paris, she needs us.”
“Yeah, for us to lend her hand - me – downs! Look, I think Robert Onassis is into you, I over heard him talking about you.”
“Wow, that’s a good thing then, I can do with screwing a few boys around anyway, he has to wait!” she told Paris who laughed as they walked into English class. “Wow, wait a minute you’ve got company.” Paris said pointing at the desk beside Carla’s. That desk was always reserved for the man candy soccer jock Robert Onassis, his curly blond hair and deep blue eyes made a younger version of Leonardo Dicarprio look like a blonde goblin “Well, who ever it is better drag off.” Carla said retreating from the classroom when Janet ran smack into her. “Oh thank God, I’'ve been looking for you, Carla, Paris.”
“Yeah, what!!” Paris said sarcastically. “Carla, I bet you are wondering who that is?” she said pointing at the person who had the head on the table. “Go on,” Paris said impatiently. “Well, I don’t know his name but he is really creepy probably in a good way…”
“To your seats ladies, now!” Mrs Grim bellowed as students filed into the English class, Mrs Grim was a fat round woman, her hair was frizzy liked it hadn'’t been washed for days and she had a voice louder than a trombone. Carla and Paris exchanged glances as they went to sit at their various places. Carla sat down glancing at the unknown person who still had not’t raised the head when Robert walked in whistling loudly. “Enough Robert!!” shouted Mrs Grim who was wiping the board. “Who the hell is sitting at my place!!” he said loudly noticing the unknown person. “I don’t know Rob; I came in and saw him.” Carla answered irritably. “Well is that your place Robert? Go to your place.” Mrs Grim said impatiently, “Well, we a new student in our class, I believe. Carla can you tap her to wake up” she said continuing, Carla glanced at the person disgustingly when suddenly she raised her head but she wasn’t a she was more like a he. He had dark wavy curtain brown hair which covered most of his face so you couldn’t make out his eyes or nose and only the out line of his mouth. Carla understood what Janet meant he did look creepy, his black faded jacket looked like it had been chewed up and his jeans were embroidered with sharp pins and needles. “So you are Addamson, Addamson Maxwell. You are the boy from… ” Mrs Grim said. “Enough!!” he said in a low but dangerous voice, Mrs Grim studied him formidably, “I will not tolerate any nonsense, I’ve heard things about, one leg out of line, you are going straight to detention.”

The boy placed his head back on the table as Mrs Grim started to talk about answering essay questions when suddenly her phone beeped it was from Janet. “No phones in class!!” barked Mrs Grim. ISN’T HE COOL, Carla read glancing at Janet who smiled and to the boy who still had his head on the table, it looked like he had ear phones on? “Addamson can you please raise your head!” Mrs Grim barked again, it was rather annoying. The boy raised his head turning slightly to look at Carla who flinched, she was used to having boys look at her with their eyes but this one didn’t seem to have any. “What are you staring at?” Carla whispered at him and it looked like the outline of his mouth was curved upwards. “Fuck you,” she muttered again. “Why are you been rude? Don’t you have manners?” He said in the same low but dangerous voice. “You are staring at me?”
“Isn’t that what you want?”
“I’m done with you Adamson, meet me after school, you weren’t paying attention for the last 15 minutes!” Mrs Grim said. “Mrs, please I wasn’t talking alone, this young lady was talking with me.”
“Look, I’m not well today, don’t make me raise my voice even louder, you are new here but most of the teachers know your behaviour and who you are are already.”
“The teachers know me because of what I am anyway. If you are not well, why are you shouting?” he said as the class laughed.
“Are you trying to take this piss of me, Addamson? Detention, after school in my office!!”
“I wasn’t talking alone; I was talking with you and besides this young lady was talking to me as well.” He said in his scary voice pointing at Carla.
“Alright, you both meet me after class.”

Hey!

“Wake up, Miss Smith.” The house help knocked on her door. “Five more minutes,” she groaned turning as the house help knocked the door again. “Miss Smith, it’s almost 8.o'clock, you do not want to be late?”

New speaker, new line! Try setting it out like this...

“Wake up, Miss Smith.” The house help knocked on her door.
“Five more minutes,” she groaned turning as the house help knocked the door again.
“Miss Smith, it’s almost 8.o'clock, you do not want to be late?”


It's correct and as I'm sure you'll agree, a lot easier to read!

Slouching of into the bathroom, she stared at her slender reflection in the mirror. “Oh no,” she groaned noticing a minute spot on her face.

It should be Slouching off and again....Start the speech on a new line

Do me a favour and sort out what goes on a new line by editing it, and then I'll come back and review the rest...otherwise this will just get really repetitive!

Diamond,

Hello! Hopefully you don’t mind me shortening your username, but I tried typing it out and eventually got irritated with the over usage of backspace. But your story, yes?


Quote:
“Nessa, go away!!” she shouted
One exclamation point is enough. More just looks odd, you know? The tag (“she shouted”) works lovely as far as emphasis is concerned.


Quote:
“Oh no,” she groaned noticing a minute spot on her face
Comma after “groaned”.


Quote:
After all a girl who has nothing to complain about, has to find something to moan about.
Comma after “after all”, and then cut the next one.


Quote:
Not that she was bad looking in anyway;
“anyway” - “any way”


Quote:
she was perfect and she knew that as all the boys at Getta Hollow were lining up to go on a date with her;
Why semicolon? Period would be better. Hmm. I’d start a new sentence with the above, and then add a comma before “as”


Quote:
They wish, even though her school was home for all the rich and famous, you still found the occasional (no genes) or bad apples to be clear, she only went out with the perfect and it was a reputation she had to uphold as every one knew her for it.
Hmm. Awkward and run-on sentence. Consider rephrasing? Period after “clear”. “as everyone knew her for it” - awkward. So it “They wish” - where did that come from? Hmm.


Quote:
“Can you speed up Boaz?
“Can you speed up Boaz?
Comma before name.


Quote:
and like her, they both dated the good-looking guys but Janet Connor was from a more middle-classed home
Consider splitting? It would look better. (after “but”)


Quote:
There you go Miss Smith, I’ll not pick as you said.” Boaz said smiling as he stopped the flashy jaguar XKR. “Yes Boaz, I’m not salt to be picked or passed around!!”
Double exclamation point, but that’s already covered. Next, split as Olivia explained. And - well, I found this dialogue odd. I didn’t really get it, I think.


Quote:
“As you say, Miss.” He said driving away.
Dialogue punctuation. Comma before ending quote, and then minor “he”.


Quote:
“Hi,” Paris said smiling as her blond hair blew in the wind. “Where’s Janet?” Carla asked as they as they walked across the noisy lawn.
Wasn’t she in the car? I mean, yes, yes, she probably left it - but clear that out. Way too rapid, this.


Quote:
Paris said pointing at the desk beside Carla’s.
Dialogue punctuation and comma after :said”


Quote:
That desk was always reserved for the man candy soccer jock Robert Onassis, his curly blond hair and deep blue eyes made a younger version of Leonardo Dicarprio look like a blonde goblin
Period at end of sentence. Also, consider splitting? (after first “his”)


Quote:
“Well, who ever it is better drag off.” Carla said retreating from the classroom when Janet ran smack into her.
Whoever.


Quote:
Mrs Grim bellowed as students filed into the English class, Mrs Grim was a fat round woman, her hair was frizzy liked it hadn'’t been washed for days and she had a voice louder than a trombone.
Mrs Grim bellowed as students filed into the English class. Mrs Grim was a fat round woman, her hair was frizzy like it hadn'’t been washed for days. She had a voice louder than a trombone.


Quote:
she said continuing, Carla glanced at the person disgustingly when suddenly she raised her head but she wasn’t a she was more like a he


Quote:
she said continuing, Carla glanced at the person disgustingly when suddenly she raised her head but she wasn’t a she was more like a he
Before her name, period. After that - consider rephrasing.


Quote:
the out line of his mouth.
Outline.


Quote:
Carla understood what Janet meant he did look creepy
Carla understood what Janet meant - he did look creepy


Quote:
Mrs Grim said. “Enough!!” he said in a low but dangerous voice, Mrs Grim studied him formidably,
Period, not comma. And would he really say that to a teacher?


Quote:
ISN’T HE COOL, Carla read glancing at Janet who smiled and to the boy who still had his head on the table, it looked like he had ear phones on?
Comma before :who”. Last comma - period. Why the question mark? Looks odd. (rephrase).



***

So, as Olivia said, that first paragraph needs to be cleaned up. There are other examples of this, but you can get rid of them easily. Remember, when a new person starts speaking, he/she gets an extra enter. When someone doesn’t do that, the reader gets mixed up easily. Like here:

Quote:
“As you say, Miss.” He said driving away. “Hi,” Paris said smiling as her blond hair blew in the wind. “Where’s Janet?” Carla asked as they as they walked across the noisy lawn. “I haven’t seen her, who care’s anyway?” Paris answered. “Come on Paris, she needs us.”


Dialogue punctuation. Watch out for that. It can be tricky at first, but after you get used to it it gets easy. There are loads of articles on the Internet, just floating about - check those out. Y’can always PM me if you have any question. (After a bit I stopped quoting the dialogue, so you have to reread and correct by yourself).

Also, “said, blah blah blah” - comma after “said”, if you have an action after that.

Apart from the above - comma spree. Too much commas, too little periods. The result is a lot of run on and unclear sentences. On that you need to work a bit.

New person situation (his intro) - hilarious. I actually smiled (; Points and points for that. Also, I think you did a very good job portraying the MC’s (and that of her friends) character.


Cheers!

I totally agree with everyone. it sounds like a good story but since it is dialogue every speaker's suppose to start a new sentence. maybe you could re type it again and make sure you seperate each speaker!! that is ver important.

You can read other stories to see how the quotation marks are laid out.
Thank you.

Wow!! Anyway i appreciate your comments and reviews a lot. I'll try to re-write it.
The thing was it happened to be a first draft which accidentally got submitted but I will learn from your comments.

PRACRICE MAKES MAN PERFECT.

Hey try again.