Oi Pierre

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*Thanks to some advice, I have indeed revised some of it and now it should be good! Thanks guys! :wink:*


My fingers moved in harmony as I stared through my thin rimmed glasses at the laptop screen. It hadn't even occurred to me that I've spent over an hour in the little French cafe.

It has to be my imagination, I guessed. When I write stories, my mind tends to get lost with what's going on around me, that must include time. I stopped to read over my last, ending chapter and then quickly glanced at the analogue clock in the corner, reading the time: 1:23.

I closed my laptop after saving my now finished story, then looked up in front of me. There he was, again, for the fourth day in a row. The mysterious, handsome man leaning against the cafe's counter, sipping a not-too-warm mocha.

I was a writer of many things; romance, mystery, action, fiction. A talent I've gained is being able to read people easily from their actions and positions. But him, not even a simple detail could make anyone understand his ways. For instance, the first day I saw him. Just his looks inspired me to continue writing my half written piece, giving me courage. So, I thought he was a kind hearted, elegant man with many manners. But then the next day he entered the cafe, he was distraught. His moves were quick, and he was bumping into people left and right. That caught me off guard, for I thought he was elegant. Then, just yesterday he walked in very slowly, all in black. His very expensive, black shoes made a swift sound as he strode from one side of the cafe to the other. It amazed me. As my friend sat in front of me talking away, I could only stare at the beauty beheld in front of my eyes. I usually caught myself smiling, not even bothering to sip the latte of which my friend bought me. I just stared, bewildered by his perfection.

Today was yet again, different. Today, the mysterious man looked, well, mysterious. For once, his actions were not what was mysterious, but it was his looks and behavior.

I leaned back in the wooden chair, crossing my arms in front of my chest after removing my glasses. I could tell that my face was plastered with confusion, and I could tell he knew. Unfortunately, I didn't do any means to stop it. My white, quarter sleeved blouse was making me hot. I shook my head as soon as I felt a rising temperature in my chest. I leaned forward, kicking my feet a little past the beam supporting the small table. I took one last sip of my latte before getting up to throw it away.

I returned to the table so I could study a little more of this man. Well, for starters, he had dark ebony hair. It swept across his forehead, rounding his left eye. Oh, his eyes. How amazing they were: a light, crystal blue. With every blink, I swore they got even more beautiful. His eyes were deep, though. I'm not sure if it's his seductive eyebrows overshadowing them, giving them a darker tint, or, if it's the way he looked out with them. How with every look he made, he studied it intently as if it were his last. His rolled up sleeves of his dark black, button up shirt fitted his elbows magically. At the very top of his button up shirt, the top two buttons were left open, showing off a portion of his chest.

I crossed my legs, once again leaning back. I flickered my curly, ruby hair off my shoulder and placed my fingers to my lips, concentrating. 'What was he thinking about?' 'What was he looking at?' These questions stormed in and out of my mind as I continued to study the flawless man. But only one stayed into place, 'Who was he?' He looked out the window of the cafe at the empty streets of France. I looked out the window I was next to, trying to see if there was anything out there that captured this man's attention so much.

Even though I have been living here for a year, France was still breathtaking. But this man looked French. He moved in a French manner, sipped his mocha in a French style, positioned himself in a French way! So, if growing up in this country wasn't enough amazement, then what could make a boring street of France seem so mesmerizing?

Then I found it. I gaped a little, but at least I found it. Across the street from the little cafe was a beauty salon. And in the big, glass window was a mirror. And if I looked hard enough, the pathway of the reflection took my eye sight straight to the man. He smirked when I looked at him, probably making fun of my ajar-ed mouth.

He was looking at me!

I quickly turned my head, chin placed in palm as I leaned on the table. From the corner of my eyes, I looked at the man in the cafe. He was staring at me, but this time, not through a store's mirror. He was starring at me. I felt a hot blush infuse my face. Oh well this is natural, I'm blushing. I lent my head down, looking at the ground, as I pretended to itch a certain spot on my head. Then I did a quick glance and found that the man was starting towards me. Before he reached my table, I jumped off, grabbing my laptop, and headed out the door.

The next day, I was reluctant about coming in. I even stood at the door of the cafe, contemplating my decision until an old, grumpy woman started yelling at me in rapid French. Of course I didn't know what she was saying but I got the point that she wanted me to move. I stepped down the one step to the door, turning to leave, when I went crashing into someone. But of course it's never just someone, its that one someone you were meant to crash into like in stories.

My body froze and I tried so hard not to look like a freak, but it was too late. My arms stretched out to my waist, tight to my body. My eyes wide, and my legs locked. How could I not look like a freak?

I finally unfroze, then peered down below me. There he was on his hands and knees, picking up my papers that fell from my arm. I bent down to get them, but as soon as those crystal blue eyes made contact with my bright green ones, I got up and headed back to my flat.

The next day I decided not to do my usual 11:30 run to the cafe. Instead, I waited until two o'clock. That way, he would already be gone and I wouldn't have to face him and his seductive eyes again. But I was eventually going to have to talk to him, for he had my papers. I opened my laptop bag, rumaging through for a certain story that I printed out yesterday. I knew that the papers I had under my arm yesterday were two of my stories, but I was pretty sure that the only one I managed to grawas the one I finished two days ago. But when I found one of the two paper clipped stories, I realized I had grabbed the wrong one. The mysterious man had my only finished product.

To relieve my stress, I walked to the little cafe a little earlier than two o'clock. I got there around 1:46. I sat down at my usual table, with my usual latte. I scanned my surroundings, and as if planned, there was the mysterious man again. This time he was in a white button up shirt and nicely fitted jeans. Casual. I scowled at him and turned to face the outside scenery.

A few minutes passed before I heard the chair across from me pulled out from underneath the table. I looked over and he was there, smiling at me. I normally would have said something along the lines of, "Hello again, you're the one that I ran into yesterday." Or if I was feeling really stupid, I would have said something like, "Hello, you're the one I can never take my eyes off if." But instead, I starred back at him, my face blank of expression and my arms crossed. My long, curled red hair was at my mid back, behind my shoulders, and my glasses were indeed on. He was still smiling at me until a fatal, "Hmm." escaped his lips. I rose one of my eyebrows, confused by his actions. He continued anyway,
"See, I liked everything about this," He said, sliding my paper clipped story in front of me. I quickly grabbed it, embarrassed by the fact that some mysterious stranger that I have had a crush on read one of my stories. "But there's only one thing that I must point out for you to fix." He grinned.
My face still blank, I responded, "What?"

"My name's not 'Felipe', it's Pierre."
Last edited by day tripper on Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




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Hello, and welcome to YWS!! I'm Stella, I'll be your critique today.

I don't know why I'm first to review, I loved this. There are just a couple of small things I think should make it better.

-Only halfway through do we realise she's in France. The fact that she is in France is totally awesome, but I feel that you could put it in more. Even just in that first paragraph, you could say she's in a French café. Otherwise we get the impression she's in New York or somewhere.

Staying with the French theme:

an old, grumpy woman started yelling at my in French.


That should be "me" not "my". ;) Also, what other language is she going to speak in? Maybe you could add another word in to make it sound more natural "rapid French" or something. So you see what I mean?

elegant man with many manors


This is the first instance of this mistake. It's spelt "manners". When I first read it, I thought you meant he owned lots of big houses :D...

He looked out the window of the cafe at the blunt streets of France.


Okay, I'm sorry, my whole family are France-lovers, and this bugs me. Where in France? The winding cobblestones of Montmatre? The elegant boulevards of Central Paris? The narrow streets of a small market town in Provence? I'm sorry, this is just a thing on my own account, it probably wouldn't bother anyone else much, but France is such a big place, where in France? Is she in a seaside town in Brittany or a little village in the Dordogne? Even if you can't decide on the area, could you just say "the French countryside" or wherever you want to set it?

But apart from that, I really enjoyed it and I'm hoping to read more from you!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x

Sorry about that little ramble...
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Even though I have been living here for a year, France was still breath taking. But
this man looked French. He moved in a French manor, sipped his mocha in a French
style, positioned himself in a French way! So, if growing up in this country wasn't
enough amazement, then what could a boring street of France be so mesmerizing?


should be:

Even though I have been living here for a year, France was still breathtaking. But this man looked French. He moved in a French manner, sipped his mocha in a French style, positioned himself in a French way! So, if growing up in this country wasn't
enough amazement, then what could make a boring street of France seem?become? so mesmerizing?


" I felt a warm pulse radiate on my face. " is a bit choppy how about... "I felt a hot blush infuse my face" or something?

those are the only two places where I had issues with phrasing and words. Other than that, I loved it! With a capital "L"!


The whole story line is cute, and then the last line just killed me!

"My name's not 'Felipe', it's Pierre."


I can just see some smug, smirking attractive French guy saying that :D
My policy on life: you're wasting it by being sad and making others sad, so hug someone today! :D




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Oh I loved this!! I also viewed the sketch you made of Pierre. It went along with the description in your story quite well. Stella and Izzy pretty much pointed out all the mistakes that I saw so i won't repeat.
All in all good job!
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Thank you vury much(:
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




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fargh again... tooo many commas no more commas noooo noooooooooo!... i take it you like guys with ebony black hair.... and well i think this girl has horrible tastes,,, anywho, you have tense problemos in the first opening para to the last closing parararaa, again another sotory that could and would be better in third personn, she is not all knowing, how does she knwo when,,

The mysterious, handsome man leaning against the cafe's counter, sipping a not-too-warm mocha.
not to mention the all, too many commas, well i guess no there,, cause he is mysterious AND handsome, not THEE mysteriouse handsome man, although,, he IS THEE mysterious handsome man that stalks her, so then i move to delete the comma, all in flavor say I, I, ok back to wherei was, shes teling the story right, shes not some mysersous voice from the sky who knwos all, so then how does she know his cofffee thing (i dont like coffee shops so its al coffee to me) is not too warm, oh and what is-not-too-warm, is that a new flavor they have at starbucks? is or is that like, hot but not too hot, or not too cold, but like no its, warm, but its not hot,,, oh so its just like perfect, or other words, its warm... but not too warm so its cold? ok anyways, how does she know its not too warm, did he let her sip it, did he tell her, hey there, im speakign to you while my not too warm coffee here, you know? like did something happen and you didnt tell us so now she knows his cofee is not toooo warm!!... ok another one..


oday was yet again, different. Today, the mysterious man looked, well, mysterious. For once, his actions were not what was mysterious, but it was his looks and behavior.
first you say hes the mysterious man, proving me right from earlier, and if today, the mystery man is being mysterious, how is he being diffefrent? and now if its for once his mysterious actions wernt mysterious, but his mysterous behaviour and looks, whats the difference.. you know what does he do usually then.. like, whats behavior, actions, doesnt your actions dictate your behavior? like if i did an action of me slapping your cup of coffee on the floor, you could dsay my behavior was very rude right, or vice verses, so you can see how yurou thing is kinda confusing, if nhot a bit, mysterous, see what im saying...

and this guy, hmm, this guys names not filepe, its piere, id be like, oohhh its pierrree is it.. not fileepe? filepe not good enough huh, mr. piere from, foreign country? and then id mumble something like, douchebag or, chopdigglerrr, under my breath as i walked away... oh and when you described heis hair it sounded like you siad it covered his eye, and then she said his eyes were beautiuful but in reality, it should of been, his eye... am i right or am i right
purple bunnies hop at midnight




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Hey there Day! I'm feeling rather vicious today so don't take anything I say as an opinion of the story until I actually get there ^_^.

It has to be my imagination, I guessed. When I write stories, my mind tends to get lost with what's going on around me, that must include time


Five things about this sentence:

1) Stories about writers are usually interesting
2) Stories about writers are usually cliche too.
3) Writer characters are usually somehow based apon the writer itself.
4) Don't worry, I'm guilty of the same thing a lot of the time.
5) I love that sentence, very universal and very ture.


The mysterious, handsome man leaning against the cafe's counter, sipping a not-too-warm mocha.


Cliche intrigue, mysterious strangers usually are.

I usually caught myself smiling, not even bothering to sip the latte of which my friend bought me. I just stared, bewildered by his perfection.


Edward Cullen Alert!!!!!!!!!! Perfection is baddddddd, and the guy doesn't even sound perfect anyways. He just sounds interesting.

How amazing they were: a light, crystal blue. With every blink, I swore they got even more beautiful. His eyes were deep, though. I'm not sure if it's his seductive eyebrows overshadowing them, giving them a darker tint, or, if it's the way he looked out with them. How with every look he made, he studied it intently as if it were his last. His rolled up sleeves of his dark black, button up shirt fitted his elbows magically. At the very top of his button up shirt, the top two buttons were left open, showing off a portion of his chest


*fans self* what's this guys number?

Then I found it. I gaped a little, but at least I found it. Across the street from the little cafe was a beauty salon. And in the big, glass window was a mirror. And if I looked hard enough, the pathway of the reflection took my eye sight straight to the man. He smirked when I looked at him, probably making fun of my ajar-ed mouth.


He's clever, and he's got good eyesight.

But of course it's never just someone, its that one someone you were meant to crash into like in stories.


Ew cliche!

him, for he had


RAW (random access word.) OMIT "for"

one thing that I must point out for you to fix." He grinned.

My face still blank, I responded, "What?"


"My name's not 'Felipe', it's Pierre."


Oh thank god.

That ended wonderfully I think.

I don't really have much of an opinion on this story, it was cute, but a little too cutsie for my taste at the moment. It seems rather close to a book I just read, you may have read it as well Twilight? I think thats why I'm not incredibuly fond of that it reminded me of it somehow...

I hope thats not that too big a blow to your ego, having your story compared to a book like that. It makes me mad at me typing it XD.

But its a good story none-thel-ess.

Hope I helpped...though I didn't find much wrong with it (sorry bout that)

~Alice
I just lost the game.




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I envisioned a skinny Joe Jonas with undecided thin or think dark hue eyebrows.



-_-


I loved the last line though.


^^

CHASE
In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25




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Hey, i love the character in your stoory, very creative. And wow, noe errors that i saw. I hope that you keep writng!
Serena Shaw,
SDG




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Thank you.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




User avatar
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Points 890
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Hello! I'm glad I read this - it was exceedingly enjoyable, so thank you for that.
It was a tad cliché, as Alice pointed out, but nonetheless, it was cute, quirky and kept my interested.

Here, though, as ever, are some nit-picks:

When I write stories, my mind tends to get lost with what's going on around me, that must include time.


Fine, fine, but then later you write:
I was a writer of many things


So she is a writer, then she was a writer? See what I mean? Clarify, please.

He looked out the window of the cafe at the empty streets of France.


I highly doubt he saw all the streets of France! Please pick a town/city? How about the streets of Paris?

Even though I have been living here for a year, France was still breathtaking. But this man looked French. He moved in a French manner, sipped his mocha in a French style, positioned himself in a French way! So, if growing up in this country wasn't enough amazement, then what could make a boring street of France seem so mesmerizing?


Wow! Enough with the infatuation! It gets tedious.

Then I found it. I gaped a little, but at least I found it. Across the street from the little cafe was a beauty salon. And in the big, glass window was a mirror. And if I looked hard enough, the pathway of the reflection took my eye sight straight to the man. He smirked when I looked at him, probably making fun of my ajar-ed mouth.


A neat, original idea. I really felt for the protagonist.

"My name's not 'Felipe', it's Pierre."


Love this! Love this! I have officially fallen in lust - it's that Mr Rochester-like Fetish For Smug, Self-Assured men.

I would love to read more, if there is more. Do PM if there is.

Lauren x



When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides