Forest People Pt. 3

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1212
Reviews 17
Nearly an hour had passed in the river. The dialogue was not so scarce over the course of this hour for I had learned his name. We both decided to sit for a while. We had all the time we could ever want. We chose a large redwood to sit beneath. He found a dry spot and sat with his long legs extended, his feet away from his body. I mimicked this and placed my arm against his side as he lifted his arm to wrap it around me. Our backs were against the tree and we faced away from the river, into the forest. I curled my legs up and rested my head on his chest. I felt him stir as he turned his head to look at me. He tucked a chunk of long chocolate hair behind his ear so he had a better view. All of this affection was harmless, but perhaps a little strange considering I had just met him today. I placed my hand a few inches from my face on his chest. I could feel him breathing. His heart was beating. So this amazing creature was human. It didn't seem like he could be.
He put his face in my hair and I felt his lips a few inches above my hairline. A sweet melody came from deep inside his chest. I did not recognize the song, but I was sure I'd heard it before. His humming this to me was as natural as the greenery of this forest. If I left this world right now I think I would be alright with it. My last few moments would be with perfection's arms wrapped around me and this song engraved in my soul. The song got softer, then suddenly silent. A smooth hand slowly slid up my jawline and cradled my face. I looked up to meet a gaze that was closer than I'd thought. The gaze was broken as my eyelids fell down over my blue lenses. Our lips were attached. Permanently it seemed. He was holding me so close to him that we were like one person. This kiss deserved an award. His lips gently retreated. I opened my eyes. His eyebrows were pushed together creating a look of confusion.
"What is is?" I asked.
"I don't understand," He said and I raised one brow to match his confusion. "What have I done to deserve this much? To deserve you?" I smiled, and he did the same. I ran two fingers along his hairline and down to his jaw. He seized my hand and pressed his lips to mine once more.
Last edited by running_with_the_devil on Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Trina.
Trina.
Trina.
TRINA!
XD




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1117
Reviews 80
Nearly and hour

"and" should be "an"

The dialogue was not so scarce over the course of this hour, for I had learned his name.


Remove the comma.

Him humming this to me was as natural as the greenery of this forest.


Change "Him" to "His." I know it's a weird rule, but the act of humming the song belongs to him (that's how my English teacher would explain it), lol.

If I left this world right now I think I would be alright with it.


Change "alright" to "all right". Technically, they mean the same thing, but using two words is more professional.

My last few moments with perfection's arms wrapped around me and this song engraved in my soul.


That's a fragment. Try "My last few moments would be with perfections'...." or add it to the previous sentence somehow.

"I don't understand," He said and I raised on brow to match his confusion.


Lowercase "He" and change "on" to "one".

I smiled and he did the same.


Comma after "smiled".

-------

Shorter than the others, but still great nonetheless :D Try expanding on your characters more though. Let us know more about them other than they're obsessed with each other :P




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1212
Reviews 17
Actually this one is the longest...
Trina.
Trina.
Trina.
TRINA!
XD



"Yesterday you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT."
— Shia Labeouf