Her.

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Her presence stole the room,
Heads turned,
Hearts filled with envy,
Eyes burned.

With every step she took,
Life engulfed us,
The atmosphere awakened,
As she chose a glass.
Last edited by parisanmilo on Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
teach my soul to soar




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Points 890
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Wow, that was really short! I didn't really get it, but I liked the language that you used.
One thing, though:

Her presence stole the room,
Heads turned.
Hearts filled with envy,
Eyes burned.


This seems a little stop-start to read. I think it'd be better to turn the full stop after 'Heads turned' into a comma.

Great poem, though.

Keep writing!
Let's Dance to Joy Division
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But we're so happy!




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 29
It was good! but a bit too short, I'll say..

It keeps the reader waiting. What happens after she chooses a glass??
We want to know more!

But all in all, I liked it, the language used.
You definitely have potential.

I liked the first paragraph.

Her presence stole the room,
Heads turned,
Hearts filled with envy,
Eyes burned.


So yeah, that pretty much it.
I think you should lengthen it...
Other than that, great job!!

All the best...



Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg