Read My Heart

Hey, please tell me what you think of this, if it's any good. Sometimes it's hard to tell if a poem you wrote is really good or if it's just you wishing for something good. (':lol:') Thanks


If you could read
my heart.
There'd be every name,
on my family tree.
There'd be Charleston, West Virginia.
There lies every part,
of me.
If you could read my heart.
There'd be words of
love, of joy.
They'd extend to the end
of the ages.
My heart would fill
books galore.
If you could see
inside me.
I wonder what you'd find.
Because amidst the
jumbledness.
Lies my love for time.
if you could read my heart,
right now there'd be
many tears.
And such great, short
memories.
That fill my joyous
years.
But I can't put to words
my feelings.
And my heart stays
locked away.
Every family that I know,
I keep them there to stay.
I want you to read my heart.
Please tell me what it says.
Please help me never forget.
This feeling.

well done. I liked your word use, your phrases seemed to flow together very easily. Nice job ^_^

There'd be words of
love, of joy.
They'd extend to the end
of the ages.
My heart would fill
books galore.

I have no idea why, but this is my favorite part ^_^


I couldn't find any grammar or spelling errors (Unless it is back to start a sentense with 'And' in this case). I really like the way you wrote this.


BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello!

This was quite good. Just a couple of things I would try and improve on that would make your poems more accessible to people. Firstly, I'm not sure if this structure is really right for your subject. It makes it quite hard to read, and as a poet, you want to give your work every chance it can get to reach out to people. I would therefore suggest ordering it into a couple of stanzas like so:

1st:

If you could read my heart,

there'd be every name on my family tree.

There'd be Charleston, West Virginia,

there lies every part of me.

Now notice what I've done with this. Not only have I ordered it into a chunk of poetry that is much easier to digest on account of it's structure, I've also meddled a little with its form. I took out some unnecessary punctuation- such as commas. Over use of commas can be bothersome to read as, they, break, up, the, flow, of, reading. See? Just an example. Use sparingly and only if it is to aid the rhythm.

The rhyme scheme also let the piece down. Some times it rhymed beautifully, sometimes it didn't at all. If you only wish to put it in every now and again, make sure that there is some pattern to it so that the reader doesn't get annoyed. A subtle touch, but incredibly effective in the end.

I would have liked to see more imagery being used. This is because of that old chestnut- you told far too much. You needed to show us the love for family that the speaker has in a more open way. Make things too much about yourself personally, and you shut the reader out. They cannot emphasize with a fixed emotion specific to you. Try and convey these feelings into a stark image- a picture that is both original and simple. Easier said than done, I know, but time and practice will make this an achievable feat to reach.

In some places this was very good however. Loved the alliteration in this line:

Lies my love for time.

And the repetition of the title was well handled:

if you could read my heart,

right now there'd be

many tears.

The length could have been a little shorter. This will come in time, but as you develop as a poet you will find you are able to say a lot in a very small sentence. Practice, practice, practice and you will reap the benefits.

Hope this helps,

Eimear