The Swedish Effect, Chapter 1, Part 1

Okay! Unfortunately, the first chapter is very long, and I read the rules that I should try to post about 1500 words at the most, so I tried to find a good spot to cut the chapter, if you know what I mean. I know that it kind of just.. stops, but I'll try to get the other parts up ASAP. Also, know that the romance in the story is, for the most part, maleXmale, so if that's not your thing, don't waste your time reading it if you don't want (;

Does he ever stop talking? I was sitting in art with my head in my arms, trying to block out my obnoxious teacher's voice. This was a rather frivolous task, because he never. stops. talking. I don't really think he knows much about art himself. I mean, anyone can draw a cat; shouldn't we be learning about the basics, like, what the primary colors are? Whatever; what do I know? Apparently not enough, because I had a D in that class.

Eventually, I slid into my rather pleasant dreams which depicted a utopia; that of one which had no concept of 'school'. However, that dream contradicted itself, because if it were a utopia, I wouldn't be feeling such contempt for my art teacher. After what seemed like one second, although was really twenty minutes, my best friend Alister shook me awake. I wasn't complaining, however; anything to be touched by him, haha.

Let me tell you some things about Alister: He's the most eccentric guy that I have ever met, and probably the most eccentric person that I ever WILL meet. Also, he's from Greece, and he came here when he was five, so of course he has one of those beautiful accents. I'd tell you more, but that'd ruin the treat of you getting to get to know him, wouldn't it?

Anyway, he woke up me up with a nudge, and I jerked away; the utopia's dystopian counterpart had been waging war against us. "Chill out," he said. "The bell's about to ring." This woke me up quickly. You know what I love about Fridays? Guess. You're right! Friday signifies the start of a limbo, which lasts for exactly two whole days. Cheers! But this wasn't just any other Friday; no, this was the night of my friend Lily's party. Lily is my best female friend ever, and my "secret holder", you could say. Because she knows that I'm a flaming homo. Joking, I'm not flaming, but I am gay.

I would tell Alister, too, but there's a thing about him. No, he isn't homophobic; at least I don't think so. But he is one of the manliest guys I have ever met, and he might play the "you-threat-my-masculinity" card if he finds out, so I'll leave that be for now. Anyway, yeah, he's one of those popular, strong guys, but not buff, oddly enough. He could also be one of those closet cases that are in every high school, but I wasn't ever going to know.

He also dominates on the mat, meaning he's a great wrestle, although definitely not the best. All of these awesome athletic feats can be traced back to the fact that he's a total master of Aikido. Now, don't get me wrong; when I say master, I don't mean he's like Morihei Ueshiba or Takeda Sokaku, rather he's just really good at the sport. He's been training since he was about seven, and now we're both sixteen.

As the bell blasted through the school, Alister and I got up from our seats. "Are you ready for tonight?" he grinned, his stormy-grey eyes entrancing me. I had to think for a second about what he was talking about, but then I remembered; the party!

"Duh!" I grinned. "What time will y'all pick me up?" By 'y'all', I meant him and Matt. Matt is the exact opposite of your average, hormone enraged teen male. Well, sort of. He is rather short at 5'7, but he has a very solid body. Another thing is he is never angry; isn't that kind of scary in its own sense? Really though, he's never fought anyone (this excludes the playful messing around), and if someone talks bad about him, he just smiles and ignores them, despite the fact that if he punched them, they'd most likely die on the spot. He's also faster than the Flash.

"Well, I have to help teach the little ones, and Matt has soccer practice after school.. so probably around 6? The party starts at 8, so we'll have time to hang beforehand." That's another thing. Alister isn't only a hottie because of his physical appearance, no, he also is the best guy ever with kids. And as a black belt ("dan" is what it's called, as he has told me many times), he is required to help young kids learn alongside the instructor, although according to him, he doesn't mind one bit.

"That sounds great." I said as we approached three girls in front of the junior parking lot. These girls were actually our close friends, Alyson, Rachel, and of course, Lily. I guess you could say we are in the "popular" group, but I've never been a fan of labels.

"Hi!" they squealed excitedly.

"Y'all sound more anxious for the party than we do." Alister grinned, his braces glistening, despite the absence of the sun.

"Well duh! We get to party all night with hot guys EVERYWHERE!" Alyson giggled.

"In this town? You're kidding yourself." one of the other girls said. That was Rachel.

"Come on Rachel! Be more optimistic. I mean, nearly everyone in school is going!"

"I've known these guys since I was two; they're nothing new." Rachel was an awesome poet.

"Well who knows, maybe some of the guys will dress up all extra nice to put on a show. I know I will." Alister grinned.

"Don't kid yourself. Anyway, where's Matt? He's the only normal guy in this school."

"Don't be so mean, Lily, you know I'm more normal than any of these guys, including Matt!" I grinned.

"Go cry; I'm not mean!" Lily smirked. I knew she meant no harm.

"Boys don't cry." I stuck out my chest in defiance.

"Yeah!" Alister said.

"Well ANYWAY, we have places to go! Bye losers!" Lily giggled.

"Places to go?? You're hosting a party tonight!" I said.

"Uh, duh?! We have to buy stuff. Bye!"

"They are the biggest procrastinators in the world." Alister said.

"Says the one who still hasn't started studying for semester exams."

"No one has started studying, except for the nerds, cough."

"Hello! They're like, what, three weeks away?"

"I'll rely on my charm to ace them."

"You haven't got any charm."

"Psh, I've heard you in the showers. 'Ohhh Alister!'" he mocked.

"Pervert. Let's get going." While I may have beaten off to my fantasies of Alister, I never did it at school.

"Heyy! Wait!" We heard a loud, sing-song voice call out, which belonged to Matt. That's another thing about Matt; he's a Viking. Yep, a true Viking. Only kidding, it's not like he walks around with horned helms or furry trench coats. He is from Sweden, however. Quite an English name, though, Matt. Unlike Alister, who has a soft accent, Matt has a heavy one. It doesn't really hinder his speaking skills, it's just that he mirrors the tones that Swedish has, in English. So I guess you could say it sounds like he's singing when he's talking. It was pretty cute nonetheless.

"Why aren't you on the field?" I asked, boggled, as Matt ran towards us. This guy was fucking fast. Mental note: Don't try to outrun Matt.

"Soccer practice got canceled. They say it's going to rain." he half sang half said. Okay, seriously, it isn't THAT prominent, but it's still fun to listen to.

And it DID look like it was going to rain. Looking up, I could see nothing but thick, grey storm clouds. I actually love the rain, so this wasn't a problem, except for it may annihilate my hair, but that never mattered.

"Awesome! I love the rain!" Alister grinned like a little kid as we got in his car, a light blue mustang convertible. Some people may think that light blue is a girly color, but I beg to differ.

"Perfect! So hey, can't we just come along with you to the dojo?" Matt said. "It'll be so time consuming if you dropped us off at our houses; you'd have to get us later anyway."

"Well you could, I guess, if you really wanted to."

"Your instructor wouldn't mind?" I asked.

"No, he's nice. Not all teachers are sour, you know." he grinned.

"Sure then. Let me just call my dad." I said. My dad was never too good at answering the phone. Or maybe he just didn't like me. Haha, joking. My dad and I don't have the usual I-hate-you-I-hate-you-too relationships that most teenagers have with their parents. No, actually we're okay. We aren't like super close, but I know I can rely on him. As expected, he didn't answer; there goes my theory.

Elektrisk,

Hello! How are you on this lovely, lovely day? I trust that well (; Anyway, to your review:


Quote:
This was a rather frivolous task, because he never. stops. talking.
I don’t like those period. I just don’t. I mean, I get what you wanted to do with it, but it doesn’t look too well.


Quote:
shouldn't we be learning about the basics, like, what the primary colors are?
Last comma necessary?


Quote:
so probably around 6?
6:00 - same with next number.


Quote:
The party starts at 8, so we'll have time to hang beforehand
People say “beforehand”?


Quote:
Alister isn't only a hottie because of his physical appearance, no, he also is the best guy ever with kids.
Consider: “(…) appearance, no - he’s also the (…)” Even if you choose not to do the dash, then reverse order of words, okay? (looks odd now, that part of the sentence)


Quote:
"That sounds great." I said
"That sounds great," I said - dialogue punctuation.


Quote:
his braces glistening, despite the absence of the sun.
No comma.


Quote:
You're kidding yourself." one o
You're kidding yourself," one o


Quote:
"I've known these guys since I was two; they're nothing new." Rachel was an awesome poet.
That popped out of the blue (the Rachel part). What has that to do with anything? Just drifts around.


Quote:
"I'll rely on my charm to ace them."
"You haven't got any charm."
^^


Quote:
He is from Sweden, however.
Consider: “does come from Sweden”


Quote:
They say it's going to rain." he half sang half said.
They say it's going to rain," he half-sang, half-said.


Quote:
I actually love the rain, so this wasn't a problem, except for it may annihilate my hair, but that never mattered.
“except for it may annihilate my hair” - ?


Quote:
you know." he grinned.
Capitalize “he”


Quote:
Let me just call my dad." I said.
Let me just call my dad," I said.

***

Okay, that was the line-by-line part. Now let’s switch to more general stuff.

-> There’s this great block of dialogue, and it stands out. See, at first everything’s fine, there’s a balance between disruption and dialogue, but then that changes. And it shouldn’t. The ending’s fine, but the middle isn’t. Some of the tags (the Rachel-is-a-poet one, for example) just appear from nowhere, and more often, they just, well, talk talk talk. Could’ve been okay, but it’s not - stands out too much,

-> While at dialogue - dialogue punctuation. I’m horrid at explaining things and would just mess with your head if I tried, but there are a lot of article floating about on the subject, so - check them out.

-> Loads of semicolons, especially in the beginning. Cut them. Cut them! Don’t use them so much!


Anyway, as to the story itself - it flowed very well, its transitions were smooth. That dialogue part irritated me a bit, but will be improved, yes? All in all - interesting.

The MC and his crush seem good, but I thing that Lily could have been more fleshed out. The rest's ok.


Cheers,
Esme

This was a rather frivolous task, because he never. stops. talking.
I don’t like those period. I just don’t. I mean, I get what you wanted to do with it, but it doesn’t look too well.

I wanted to emphasize it. I can't really explain it, because it's generally something people would only do in real life, but think of it like this: Someone who despises a person a LOT may say "I--hate--him." and emphasize each word. I wanted to do this with "never--stops--talking", you see?

Quote:
shouldn't we be learning about the basics, like, what the primary colors are?
Last comma necessary?

Again, I wanted to express how he pauses mid-sentence. Think of the stereotypically annoying sentence "Like, oh my god!" Obviously this isn't the same context, but it pauses just the same.

Quote:
so probably around 6?
6:00 - same with next number.

But then people will assume that he is saying "six o'clock" when in reality he is saying just "six". Should I just write out the numerals to avoid this? I know that "six o'clock" is proper, but a lot of people colloquially just say "six" ect.

Quote:
The party starts at 8, so we'll have time to hang beforehand
People say “beforehand”?

Yes.

Quote:
Alister isn't only a hottie because of his physical appearance, no, he also is the best guy ever with kids.
Consider: “(…) appearance, no - he’s also the (…)” Even if you choose not to do the dash, then reverse order of words, okay? (looks odd now, that part of the sentence)

Thanks.

Quote:
"That sounds great." I said
"That sounds great," I said - dialogue punctuation.

Okay. I'll look up this comma/period thing. Thanks.


Quote:

"I've known these guys since I was two; they're nothing new." Rachel was an awesome poet.
That popped out of the blue (the Rachel part). What has that to do with anything? Just drifts around.

It was an attempt to be comical ;P I thought it was rather dumb, but decided to put it in anyway. Thanks.

Quote:
He is from Sweden, however.
Consider: “does come from Sweden”

Thanks.

Quote:
I actually love the rain, so this wasn't a problem, except for it may annihilate my hair, but that never mattered.
“except for it may annihilate my hair” - ?

Mess up his hair. You know how people say "it's killing my hair"? Perhaps you don't, but I've heard it and say it myself, so I wanted for the main character to convey that, but with another word. The first one that came to mind was "annihilate".


***

-> There’s this great block of dialogue, and it stands out. See, at first everything’s fine, there’s a balance between disruption and dialogue, but then that changes. And it shouldn’t. The ending’s fine, but the middle isn’t. Some of the tags (the Rachel-is-a-poet one, for example) just appear from nowhere, and more often, they just, well, talk talk talk. Could’ve been okay, but it’s not - stands out too much,

Are you referring to when the guys first meet the girls after school?

-> While at dialogue - dialogue punctuation. I’m horrid at explaining things and would just mess with your head if I tried, but there are a lot of article floating about on the subject, so - check them out.

I shall, thanks.

The MC and his crush seem good, but I thing that Lily could have been more fleshed out. The rest's ok.

For the record, Alister isn't his crush (:
Okay, I'll work on Lily then.

Thanks a lot for the review!