My Ex Girlfriend Called

My exgirlfriend (I hate referring to her as if she was only part of my past. To tell the truth, I still love the girl) she said her boyfriend had just broken up with her. I could almost feel her tears she was crying so hard. I had to talk for her because she didn't want to tell me what happened. I had to hold all the words I WANTED to say back in my throat. I had to choke out the words she NEEDED to hear.

Here's the conversation...


----****-----

"Everything is going to be alright."

"No it isn't. I'm sick of people saying that. No it isn't. He's not coming back this time. I can't be happy without him."

"You can't let your happiness depend on other people. You can't put off being happy with excuses saying 'when I move out, life will be great'. Hun, the truth is, you have to make your own happiness sometimes."

"Your not helping."

"You and him...well your relationship is like a flower. The first time you met him, a seed was planted, and for the longest time that seed stayed beneath the soil, until one day it seed decided it wanted to be something more. That was the day the little seed burst through the surface, into the light. So green, so new, so beautiful. That was the first day you two smiled at each other, and there was something more than just a laugh behind it.
And every day that little flower got bigger and bigger, it's roots spread farther out, and kids came from all around to look at it. It was so beautiful.
Then the first frost came, and the little flowers started to lose some petals. The petals gathered around the flower, and it started to wilt. The colors were leaving, it wilted more and more until it looked like a frown without a face.
Then the snow came and buried the flower down deep under mountains of cold.
But soon after that first frost, the sun started to shine longer and brighter. The snow melted away, and the flower was no where to be seen, until one day out of the ground a little green stem sprouts.
Only this time, that flower will be bigger and stronger. It has the roots from the year before, and it has the past experiences. It knows what it did wrong the last time, and this time, he's going to do it right."

I like the beginning.
Where she's upset, and you're comforting her.
I think that you should incorporate into your story this part of the intro:

My exgirlfriend (I hate referring to her as if she was only part of my past. To tell the truth, I still love the girl) she said her boyfriend had just broken up with her. I could almost feel her tears she was crying so hard. I had to talk for her because she didn't want to tell me what happened. I had to hold all the words I WANTED to say back in my throat. I had to choke out the words she NEEDED to hear.

I loved that. It was so real, so honest.
The parts where you guys are talking, I think it'd make the whole thing feel more personal if you added how the sob caught in her throat,
how you hesitated as you tried to tell her he'd come back, how her voice still held a special appeal to you.
(If it still does)
Just a thought.

You might want to break this part up a little bit:

"You and him...well your relationship is like a flower. The first time you met him, a seed was planted, and for the longest time that seed stayed beneath the soil, until one day it seed decided it wanted to be something more. That was the day the little seed burst through the surface, into the light. So green, so new, so beautiful. That was the first day you two smiled at each other, and there was something more than just a laugh behind it.
And every day that little flower got bigger and bigger, it's roots spread farther out, and kids came from all around to look at it. It was so beautiful.
Then the first frost came, and the little flowers started to lose some petals. The petals gathered around the flower, and it started to wilt. The colors were leaving, it wilted more and more until it looked like a frown without a face.
Then the snow came and buried the flower down deep under mountains of cold.
But soon after that first frost, the sun started to shine longer and brighter. The snow melted away, and the flower was no where to be seen, until one day out of the ground a little green stem sprouts.
Only this time, that flower will be bigger and stronger. It has the roots from the year before, and it has the past experiences. It knows what it did wrong the last time, and this time, he's going to do it right."

A flower.
This gets a little cheesy.
Did you really say all of that, or is that what you realized later?

It makes a nice image, and is a wonderful metaphor.
Love, indeed is like a flower.
But you kinda lost me halfway through. If you could shorten this a bit, or add how she stopped sniffling, I think that'd really help.

Its touching how you still care enough to stand by her and be her support, even though she hurt you.
I hope that you can move on.

I think this would be very good, with a little polishing.
And some shortening.

Yeah, I totally agree with listeningforthemuse. Great beginning, how you wanted to say something that would make her want you, but instead, you had to be that good friend and tell her how it was going to be ok. Very real and heartfelt. And sad.

I also agree with the flower part. It's a really good metaphor, but you probably wouldn't say that to a girl during a phone conversation.

But if you are going to keep it that way, you need to add quotes at the beginning of each new paragraph.

Error time!

My ex-girlfriend (I hate referring to her as if she was only part of my past. To tell the truth, I still love the girl)[s] she[/s] said her boyfriend had just broken up with her.

exgirlfriend needs to be hyphenated; the word "she" isn't needed. you already stated the subject before the parentheses

"You're not helping."

Your needs to be the conjuction of you and are: you're

Only this time, that flower will be bigger and stronger. It has the roots from the year before, and it has the past experiences. It knows what it did wrong the last time, and this time, he's going to do it right."

Not an error, but this was just my absolute favorite part. Gosh, I wish a guy would tell me this flower thing, no matter how cheesy it sounds. Totally sweet!

~Carleeeeeeeeeeee!

My exgirlfriend (I hate referring to her as if she was only part of my past. To tell the truth, I still love the girl) she said her boyfriend had just broken up with her. I could almost feel her tears she was crying so hard. I had to talk for her because she didn't want to tell me what happened. I had to hold all the words I WANTED to say back in my throat. I had to choke out the words she NEEDED to hear.

There should be a hyphen between "ex" and "girlfriend" (ex-girlfriend). "as if she was" should be "as if she were". You don't need the "she" after the closing parenthesis, ), because you already stated whom you were talking about before the opening parenthesis, (. You should probably reword the second sentence to make it sound more natural. Perhaps, "She was crying so hard that I could almost feel her tears." would sound better.

"what happened" should be "what had happened".
"all the words" - "all of the words"


"Your not helping."

'Your' should be "you're".

"You and him...well your relationship is like a flower. The first time you met him, a seed was planted, and for the longest time that seed stayed beneath the soil, until one day it seed decided it wanted to be something more. That was the day the little seed burst through the surface, into the light. So green, so new, so beautiful. That was the first day you two smiled at each other, and there was something more than just a laugh behind it.

"You and him" should be "He and you".
There should be a comma after "well".
There should be a comma after "time".
"until one day it seed" should be "until one day its seed".



And every day that little flower got bigger and bigger, it's roots spread farther out, and kids came from all around to look at it. It was so beautiful.

"It's" should be "its". The way I remember this is that there are other possessive pronouns that don't have apostrophes (e.g. their, her, ect), but all contractions need an apostrophe.


Then the first frost came, and the little flowers started to lose some petals. The petals gathered around the flower, and it started to wilt. The colors were leaving, it wilted more and more until it looked like a frown without a face.

I don't understand why you put "flowers" (more than one), because you had only mentioned one previously, and in the next sentence, you just said "flower". It was probably just a typo, though.
There should be an "and" after "leaving,".

Then the snow came and buried the flower down deep under mountains of cold.

I don't think "under mountains of cold" makes sense, since "cold" is an abstract noun. Try to find another word that conveys the frigidness that you are trying to imply.

But soon after that first frost, the sun started to shine longer and brighter. The snow melted away, and the flower was no where to be seen, until one day out of the ground a little green stem sprouts.


"sprouts" should be "sprouted".

Only this time, that flower will be bigger and stronger. It has the roots from the year before, and it has the past experiences. It knows what it did wrong the last time, and this time, he's going to do it right."

"that flower will be bigger and stronger" - "that flower was bigger and stronger".
"it has the roots" - "it had the roots"
"it has the past experiences" - "it had the past experiences"
"it knows what it did wrong the last time" - "it knew what it did wrong the time before"
"and this time, he's going to do it right" - "so then he decided to do it right" or something of the like.

Your sudden tense change threw me off.

Anyway, I think that it was sweet, but the flower thing was kind of cheesy >.< Also it was rather long for just one explanation.

Good job either way.